Hair

I follow a very precise cycle with my hair.

Cycle 1: The Cut
I go to a salon and have it cut as short as possible. I pick a salon with a hip name, like Lipstick and Razorblades, or Crazy Mullet. Sometimes, when I am broke, I go to the Brown Aveda school, and get off on the whole "broke artist" feel. I sit in the chair and tell Kym/Kim/Jennifer/Myrna to cut it like a boy in the back, and with choppy bangs in the front. Depending on the bravery of the stylist, I either end up with a pixie cut, or a Hot Topic circa 1998 "needs gel in the back" look, which I promptly butcher myself when I get home. I consistently tell them "I don't use product", and they insist on putting product in my hair. I then go home and shower, because I can't stand the smell of it.

The next day, everyone tells me how much they like it.

Cycle 2: The Shag
About a month later, my hair has gotten really shaggy. Which means my bangs are perfect, but the back of my head is a little poofy. I have lost that sleek Vulcan look. I start to wear headbands. I still consider it "very indie looking".

Cycle 3: The Home Cut
Three months in, the back of my head resembles the birth of a mullet. My bangs are hanging over my eyes. 12 yr old boys are laughing at my lack of haircut. I beg everyone I know, boyfriend, mother, sister, gay friend, to trim the back of my hair. But no one will. They are afraid of my haircut wrath.

Finally, I get drunk one night, and trim it myself. My hair now looks like more of a Velma bob. I cut my bangs crazy and crooked on purpose, because I am a crazy artistic type. I am, for at least a week, very proud of myself.

Cycle 4: The Pin Up
Now my hair is so long, it has started to poof out at my neck. Because my scalp is all screwed up, and while it is very straight and thin on top, by my nape the hairs get thick and curly. It accentuates my female pattern baldness, and gets greasy and old lady looking.

Because I cannot stand things on or around my neck, I start to bobby pin my hair to my nape. At first it is hard, because there is not much hair. But this becomes easier and easier as the weeks go by. This also marks the beginning of the bobby pin invasion. There are bobby pins everywhere, in my pockets, purses, bathroom counter, bathroom floor, other people's houses, car console, work desk. I seed them this way on purpose, because I never know when one bobby pin will become overused and gapped, no longer tight. That one bobby pin can bring the whole hairdo down. So I must have them everywhere, to maintain control. I also think maybe bobby pins are capable of creating more bobby pins, if you keep them in a dark safe environment.

Other people like this stage a lot. I hear from co-workers every day "hey, did you cut your hair? No? Oh it's so cute pinned up that way!" The effect is VERY indie girl.

Cycle 5: The Pigtail
I know I have reached this phase (about five months in) because I can no longer find any bobby pins in my house. I really like having pigtails, but I feel very juvenile at work, which leads to insecurity in my work performance. I also find myself wearing slippers outside the house, not wearing makeup, drinking more, and being much more gleeful. Pigtails are the ultimate regressor. I briefly consider growing my hair long, but realize that the top of my head looks so emaciated next to the bottom, I will never be able to just wear it down. I buy a few more headbands, but cannot wear them with any regularity, because my head is misshapen and the bands hurt behind my ears.

I eventually admit to myself that a 29 yr old woman cannot wear pigtails everywhere. But this takes at least a month or two. Which is also about the time I run out of little colored rubber bands.

And then REPEAT.