Top Chef - Are eggs, in fact, the hardest food?

I don't usually get really interested in Top Chef until we're down to about 7 people. The chaff needs to be properly separated and burned before I can actually enjoy it, because before that, the stupidity makes me want to subsist on cornflakes for the rest of my life. Last night's episode was no exception. Speaking of cornflakes...cornflake coated squash blossom stuffed with hash? Might not have been so revolting, until we learned the cornflakes were sweetened? I hate people who eat sweetened cornflakes. HATE. Cornflakes should be bland and rough.

Anyway, the first challenge was a breakfast amuse bouche. I paid not as much attention to this as I should, because I was busy stuffing my face with chili. Really really good chili. At least Top Chef night gives us an excuse to cook.

So they had to riff on breakfast, preferably with bacon, since Rocco said he loves the fried pork fat. As anyone knows who has watched this show for a few seasons, an amuse bouche is ONE BITE. In fact, the judges TELL them this at the beginning of the challenge. For years they have told them this, and for years the contestants go ahead, ignore them, and make actual dishes.

So the girl who actually makes a one bite egg BLT wins, over the girl who made a two bite egg BLT, and then Fabio the Reprehensible European has the funniest quote of the night when he whines about how he didn't win because he didn't make "toast with bullshit eggs on top"

Let's just review the list of THINGS YOU DON'T DO ON TOP CHEF

1. Make an amuse bouche that is over two bites.

2. Use premade sausage. Ever.

3. Make something fried during a catering challenge.

4. Make anything "al dente".

5. Talk back to Tom.

So far, these morons have violated every rule and we're not even halfway through the season. You'd think you would WATCH the show you were going to be competing on. It's not like Bravo doesn't rerun every episode ever, all the time, in between "Must Love Dogs" and Housewives.

Anyway, on to the next lame ass challenge. This time, the chefs (though really some of them are just cooks) have to do a 2 minute cooking demo, in the hopes of being on the Today show. Peter Petrelli's mother, ie New Jersey cougar, FLIPS THE FUCK OUT. Because of course she watches the Today show. Of course she does. Anyway, this is a dumb challenge that reminds me of why I never could get into "The Next Food Network Star" show. I hate watching people try to be personable for a mass audience.

So they have to decide on a dish, and then make it in under 2 minutes while Padma, Tom, Gayle, and Rocco all hover around them being extremely judgemental. I think that this season even the judges are fed up with the incompetence. Last weeks episode with the Foo Fighters was the most snarky and condescending I've ever seen them, but this week was pretty close. Gayle especially is just at the end of her rope. And her taste in clothes is suffering for it.

Blah Blah Blah, Mrs. Petrelli makes a watermelon salad with her MIND, and then there's some shit about actually going on the Today show, and she sprays the set down with her vaginal juices, going into instant menopausal shock. Kathy Lee spits out the weird rollie things that He-Man/Guy who looks like the blonde guy on House made, and he's mortified. And Fabio the Unrepentant European says something about "ladies with unrefined palates". And then Fran Drescher's Mother wins and all of New Jersey retreats from the chaos and bakes casaba cakes.

And the Last of the Gays made a lot of angry faces, during which we realized she actually draws her tattoo sleeves on every morning with crayola markers.

*Sigh* I MISS Marcel. And Hung. And god, even Casey. *spits*.