Top Chef Recap - Can You Say Spooge on TV?

Tonight, Top Chef is a narrative about redemption and love. Or maybe its about how when you're fucked once, you're always fucked, cause your mother was right and your unholy ass will never win at anything. Or maybe its about how wearing loud prints will get you a ring.

We start off the episode with a touching insight by MethHead McBangsies, who ponders what she calls her "awakening". "This is a huge wake up call," she says, while staring soulfully from under her unkempt mop. A wake up call she will fail to hear, much like (one supposes) the time her boyfriend broke up with her for doing too much coke off that Korean pop star's balls.

Speaking of balls, we then learn that European Cock 2 (The Great White Balls) has a crush on the Last of the Gays, and makes her creepy little gifts, like pants for her stuffed animals. Perhaps implying that all her little friends are actually male, and therefore she must like males, and therefore she must kiss him. This leads to lots of "hey, do you know what LESBIAN means?" comments, and laughing at White Balls behind his back. It's what he gets for wearing that damn California flag t-shirt all the time, which reminds me of that horrible album cover by that horrible band that I hate.

But enough soul-searching....on to the Quickfire. Padma dresses up as Heidi, and ushers the contestants through a palate test, brandishing bisques and curries in which they must identify ingredients or climb the Alps. We learn, surprisingly, that some of the chefs (okay, one) believe Danny has brains. But no, Danny has no brains, he loses. He-Man has crabs on the brain, and his wink becomes a full on nervous tic. He loses. The Withered Vagina somehow manages to induce angry yelling in all of us watching, I don't even know why she loses, we hate her so much. And the battle comes down to the baldies versus the Monster from Fraggle Rock (henceforth known in this post as The Muppet). The White Balls are castrated as Hosannah wins mightily, and then receives his victory hump from Leah Who Has No Nickname Cause She's Boring. The White Balls are angry, and pronounce that they "don't give a shit about any of these people". Oh White Balls, neither do we, neither do we.

In sweeps breezy Gayle, looking young, refreshed, happy? Oh, she's getting married! S. suggests the groom is perhaps a Giant Twinkie. But love and sex agree with Gayle, and the elimination challenge is to cater to her wedding shower, populated by 45 of her closest "strong, beautiful women" friends. All of whom presumably either went to high school with her, or are interns at Food and Wine and want to parlay this invitation into a Bravo Reality Show of their own, since print is dead. They divide the sacrificial lambs, ie chefs, into 4 teams. Listen to how witty! Something Borrowed, Something Blue, Something Old, and Something New! Cute, Gayle, very cute. Now we're just humiliating them for fun.

On Something Borrowed, the Last of the Gays forces Sally from Nightmare Before Christmas to play the good Indian and make her some damn yogurt sauce. The Withered Vagina is made kitchen wench again, and her only task is to cook the lamb. Turn that spit Bitch. Sally also shows off her creepy Indian mental skills, and hypnotizes everyone into working on their plate assembly line, a skill she obviously learned from the Nike factory.

Something Blue ignores any kind of creativity at all, and makes sea bass with denture friendly corn. S. remarks that it looks like a rock on a bed of cat vomit.

Something Old is He-Man, White Balls, and Hosanna, so they whip together some heirloom tomato crap and then spend the rest of the time comparing the translucency of their skin.

But its Something New that really rots the fish here, with something called a deconstructed cooked sushi roll? The Latin King makes bad rice and serves it anyway! Top Chef Cardinal Rule #10 Motherfucker. Danny of Questionable Facial Hair garnishes the sauces on the plate and says "a little spooge here, a little spooge there" or something to the spooge effect. He definitely said spooge, people. The entire room I'm in goes silent out of shock and also, maybe, just a little, respect. And we learn that when the Muppet is separated from her Doozer, they have a "call and response" they use to find it each other.

Muppet: "Hoody?"
Doozer: "Hoo!"

So Deconstructed Mexican Sushi is a bust, and curses Gayle to an unhappy marriage, and she cries and cries and cries because her entire shower is ruined and her life is ruined and Jeremy will totally leave her in twenty years for a food blogger.

While introducing his dish, Fabio the Stinky European tells all the 45 "strong beautiful" achingly single Bryn Mawr graduates that they are beautiful, and they all blush. Which prompts C. to tell a story about how one time she went a shower and the girls there started shit over the fucking stripper, cause he kissed them all on the cheeks and gave them all his cards. Lesson? Girls can be dumb. M. shows us a phone forward he got showcasing a girl with three tits, and order is somewhat restored.

Meanwhile, in the background, Hosannah is making Leah his Mary Magda, to the sure dismay of their poor signifs back home. Their children will have horrible overbites.

So Withered Vagina wins AGAIN, just for making meat. Like, the simplest meat in the world. And Daniel of the Unfortunate Run In with a Beard Clipper Wielding Maniac goes home.

One more down, oh god, only one more down. Even Tom says "If I could send three of you home at once, I would". Please do it Tom. Just Do It.