The best part was where the kangaroo got shot

So my nose is stuffed full of yellow runny cotton again, for the third week in a row. And today it was finally cold, bitingly cold and icy. Plus I was supposed to go out tonight, but opted instead to spend the (very spare) drinking money on a spicy Kafta roll from Aladdins for lunch, thinking it was perhaps the only thing I might actually be able to taste. So no open mike for me, but its for the best, since I'm sick and also have to wake up super early tomorrow to have my innards prodded with specula before work. What a fun couple of days, right?

I saw a good movie last night, Boy A. I saw a good movie on Saturday, the Yokai Wars. I highly recommend both these movies, and also they are both On Demand right now, so you don't even need to put on non-fuzzy clothes or makeup or shower or clean off the car. Which is precisely the effort I made on Sunday, when I went to see Australia.



What exactly do I say about this movie? I was very excited about it. Nicole Kidman is my Barbie, and Baz Luhrmann is my Ken (I like to rub them together and pretend they're making babies), and Australia is one of those few places that hasn't been made lame in modern media and therefore is where the cool kids live. And yet here I sit, unable to formulate anything besides indignant exclamation points and snarky question marks. What happened in those 2 1/2! hours! to kill my love of cinema and also my will to live?

1. Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman should be ashamed of themselves. Both of them are horrible in this. Nicole has the acting ability of a plastic donkey, and Hugh seems to think his next best career choice will be replacing Fabio on book covers. Also, there's this annoying little kid, who starts off the whole movie with this revolting voice over that makes you want to tear your ears off. He's got some horrible half Australian, half cockney accent and walks around in dusty dirty clothes with a tragic expression the whole movie... except when he's making jazz hands to summon people to him. He's Crazy Aboriginal Pippin. Not Cool.

See that smug look on Nicole's face? That is the movie.

2. I guess this is a book, because it has the pace of a book. A bad epic book. The kind where nothing happens in the first half except the characters all "get to know" each other, and the bad guys do something to make it obvious they are bad. Then all of a sudden in the 2nd half the world enters and fucks some shit up. And everything happens really fast and with very little explanation, because you don't need more character development, do ya? Do ya? I don't really like books like that. I think they're crap.

3. I have never seen Aboriginal magic look so uncool.

4. Spoilers: I sincerely doubt the British government ever made decisions on military cattle contracts by seeing who could race 250 head of cattle down a wharf faster. And while I don't necessarily believe Japanese soldiers can see in the dark (necessarily), I do think it's a little far fetched that they can be standing on the beach with search lights and they don't see the boat a few yards away, and the fifteen small children swimming towards it.



5. Nicole and Hugh are the worst kissers ever. Like, the close ups of them making out are disgusting and uncomfortable. With noise. I know, I know, it doesn't make any sense. But it's unfortunately true. I have never been so turned off by a romance movie. I actually wanted to not be touched.




In conclusion: terrible script, terrible cinematography, terrible acting, a bad score of all things, and bad catch phrases that make no sense ("pride isn't power" what the fuck?). I should have spent that money on alcohol. Or tampons. Or garbage bags. Also, I suspect this movie is the reason I'm sick. I can't prove anything, but if you see it? Maybe wear a mask?