Excerpts from my Fantasy Debate

MCCAIN: As president of the United States, people are going to be held accountable in my administration. And I promise you that that will happen.

LEHRER: Do you have something directly to say, Senator Obama, to Senator McCain about what he just said?

FANTASY OBAMA: Well, I think Senator McCain's absolutely right that we need more responsibility, but we need it not just when there's a crisis, asshole. I mean, we've had years in which the reigning economic ideology has been what's good for Wall Street, but not what's good for Main Street.
And there are folks out there who've been struggling before this crisis took place. And that's why it's so important, as we solve this short-term problem, that we look at some of the underlying issues that have led to wages and incomes for ordinary Americans to go down, the -- a health care system that is broken, energy policies that are not working, because, you know, 10 days ago, John said that the fundamentals of the economy are sound. John is a lying piece of senile shit, who is so completely cocooned in his gilded cage, his eyes have gone white like a cavefish. No seriously, those are contacts.

LEHRER: Say it directly to him.

F. OBAMA: He knows they’re contacts, that’s one of the many reasons he won’t release his medical records to the public. Also he’s a mummy. Every other word that comes out of his ancient Egyptian wunder-dentures is a fucking lie.

LEHRER: Say it directly to him.

F. OBAMA: Well, the -- John, 10 days ago, you said that the fundamentals of the economy are sound. And I think you should are either a) psychotically delusional, or b) a fucking liar and a real piece of work.

MCCAIN: Are you afraid I couldn't hear him?

AUDIENCE: (LAUGHTER)

LEHRER: I'm just determined to get you all to talk to each other. I'm going to try.

A few hours later....

MCCAIN: No one from Arizona is against solar. And Senator Obama says he's for nuclear, but he's against reprocessing and he's against storing. So...

F. OBAMA: That's just not true, John. John, I'm sorry, but that's not true.

MCCAIN: ... it's hard to get there from here. And off-shore drilling is also something that is very important and it is a bridge.
And we know that, if we drill off-shore and exploit a lot of these reserves, it will help, at temporarily, relieve our energy requirements. And it will have, I think, an important effect on the price of a barrel of oil.

F. OBAMA: How’s it going to affect it when the oil companies have been raping us for years? Is giving them more oil suddenly going to make them say “Hey, RAPING the American people is kind of mean, and look at all this crude we’ve got now, I think we should give it away for Christmas”?

MCCAIN: So I want to say that, with the Nunn-Lugar thing...

LEHRER: Excuse me, Senator.

F. OBAMA: Hey, old man, I was talking to you.

MCCAIN: ... I supported Nunn-Lugar back in the early 1990s when a lot of my colleagues didn't. That was the key legislation at the time and put us on the road to eliminating this issue of nuclear waste and the nuclear fuel that has to be taken care of.

F. OBAMA: Will you look at this old white guy, just ignoring me like I’m the elevator boy?
And, Senator McCain, he talks about Arizona. Everyone knows Arizona is full of meth-heads and cactus. They’ve been sucking this country’s water supplies for decades, all cause those hippies think its spiritually uplifting to live in the desert! The desert! It’s like asking for hurricane insurance when you live on a sand dune off the coast of Louisiana.

LEHRER: All right.

F. OBAMA: I've got to make this point, Jim. I think people should live where there are resources for them, so they don’t have to steal other peoples, like John has been sucking dry the fresh water of the Great Lakes, risking the futures of all the Midwest in the coming age of droughts and warming, an age that he has been actively working for. With all the effort he has put forth to bringing our country right to the brink of destruction, is it any wonder that the only words out of this troll’s mouth are “nuclear energy”? Yeah, 143 new nuclear power plants will be awesome!

LEHRER: OK.

F. OBAMA: That was sarcasm.

MCCAIN: I have voted for alternate fuel all of my time...

F. OBAMA: What the fuck.

(CROSSTALK)

LEHRER: One at a time, please.

F. OBAMA: He objected...

LEHRER: One at a time.

MCCAIN: No one can be opposed to alternate energy.

F. OBAMA: All right, fair enough. Even though you have been feeding the petro-monsters for years on nice juicy tax breaks you steal from the peasants, you’re right. No one with any kind of heart or actual Terra born DNA can be opposed to alternative energy. Next question please.

(MCCAIN HAS STROKE, PALIN TRIES TO DISTRACT AUDIENCE BY TAKING OFF HER SHIRT)