It's Hard to Be a Monster in the Summertime

I don't know what it is about 100% humidity and glaring torturous sun, but it makes the Vanquishers antsy. The sun burnt bottom-feeders come from all over, dragging their mules and bottles of whiskey from god knows what evil corner of Nebraska, with the dream to hunt us down, stuff us full of lead, then cram our mouths with styrofoam, and hang our mutilated corpses on a VFW wall. It's hard enough being a monster with this heat. Contrary to popular opinion, monsters prefer temperate climates, with fresh running water and newly mown grass. Summer is awful if you're covered in cartilage plates, and I won't even begin to talk about the armpit sores. The last thing you need is some Spaniard saying Catholic dogma over your head while he's butchering your kneecaps with a stiletto.

The best way to avoid Vanquishers is to blend in with the general population, but with the unfortunate publication of the Ex Boyfriend's Guide To Monsters, and the revelation that Anthony Bourdain feeds on the blood of injured Mexicans, it's becoming more difficult to evade the motherfuckers.

My advice? If you meet someone you suspect might be a Vanquisher, agree with them about everything. Yes, even border control. Vanquishers like to be around items that compliment their naturally obscene egos, and they are more inclined to want to shoot something that isn't serving that purpose. The best thing you can do is make a Vanquisher laugh at another Vanquisher's expense, then they'll waste all their time venting to you about how that Vanquisher really doesn't know his rod from his reel, and the only reason they even got this job was their mustard factory in Beloit went belly up and their wife played WoW with the manager's cousin. All Vanquisher wives are Warcraft FREAKS.

The only thing we ask is that you not throw another Monster under the bus, just to save your own scaly ass. Real Monsters don't do that kind of evil knievel sort of shit. Stay true to our Monster Values! Integrity! Excellence! Golden Rule! Objectives! Profit!

You nonMonsters might be wondering what the hell "Objectives" is doing there, seeing as it's not really a standard, or even a adjective. That's on a need to know basis, so let it go y'all.