Everyone was surprised last week when Lisa, angry can't-cook-shrimp Lisa, made it into the Top Three. It was the peanut butter mashed potatoes that put her through. And I think everyone is betting money that she goes home tonight. It's almost not worth watching the episode tonight. I personally can't believe she made it this far. But regardless, this is going to be a contest between Stephanie and Richard. Richard is probably more talented, but Stephanie is consistent and sincere. I don't know why sincerity is so important to these judges, since I don't recall sincerity having any sort of taste. She's definitely won way more challenges than Richard, but his dishes have always been so much more interesting. Oh and I forgot Antonia is in this too. I forget about her a lot. Just thank god I don't have to see Spike's stupid hats anymore. Douche.
10:00pm Everyone's going to Puerto Rico. It's not a state, but hey, Bravo loves ya. This is the best part of the show because everyone went home for six months and got to get their shit together, as well as get haircuts, which was pretty crucial for some of them. So the dishes usually get a lot more complex and awesome here. Stephanie went to Thailand. Antonia opened a restaurant. Richard's faux hawk got even weirder. Wow, even Richard said that no one expected Lisa to be here. Lisa cut her hair and gained a bunch of weight, so I bet she moved in with her girlfriend.
10:03 Puerto Rican cuisine huh? Padma is wearing a parachute as a shirt. Let's make fritters out of plantains! I love plantains. Raw, they're like working with damp cardboard. How much you wanna bet someone fucks up and uses raw plantains?
10:06 Quick fire. Stephanie makes a pork and shrimp fritter, and does it well. Antonio does crispy oysters with no plantains. Oops. Lisa makes duck, with mango papaya salsa, and chorizo fritters. Hard to tell by their faces how that went over. Richard makes pork meatballs with plantain sauce. He made a raw plantain salsa? Oh Richard, not you.That sounds nasty. Antonia loses and oh, surprise, Stephanie wins. I think the editing is starting to hint that she's the one, but you never know. The Bravo editors are the best in the world at fucking with you, better even than E!
10:11pm Padma shows off her skills at whirling her skirts around, while old wrinkled guys shuffle their feet in some approximation of a street party. Lisa is wearing a t-shirt that says “Kosher”. God do I need to put my air conditioner in here. I miss Andrew.
10:15pm So the challenge today is a garden party where they have to make two dishes using a whole pig. And Andrew's back! They bring back four guys to be sous chefs. Stephanie assigns them all and she picks Dale. Lisa gets Andrew (bitch). Richard gets Spike (poor guy), and Antonia get Nikki (crack whore face). It's butchering time! Someone should bury it and cook it in a pit.
10:19pm Richard thinks its a bad idea to do Puerto Rican food in Puerto Rico. Is he right? Antonia is so screwed. The pigs have no eyes. What if someone wanted to make eye pudding?
10:22 Andrew is so awesome. Pigeon Wars!
10:23 Lisa is “a gray cloud in the kitchen”. I'd say she's an Indigo Girls Thunderstorm.
10:24 Dale left the pork belly out over night! Wow, that sucks. Hopefully Steph's good enough to make up for it. I think she'll be fine, since Dale is easily one of the best cooks on the whole show, and also they've already slated her to win.
10:26 Nikki fucked up the rice, and she's blaming Antonia for it. She's like evil incarnate.
10:33 I can't believe Stephanie made a blini again. She almost got sent home for the last one, like 7 shows ago. What was she thinking?
There's a First Lady of Puerto Rico?
10:35 Well the pancakes seemed to go well. I think she's safe. They look like charred bits of play-doh, but whatever.
Richard talks to much. Everything is an homage. Each dish is part of a “painting”. He's one of those people who seems kinda cool but just is so LAME sometimes. He's like, 35 lame.
Lisa and Antonia get nothing except Antonia's peas seem dry.
I just realized the new Toyota Corolla commercials feature a royal crest with the inscription “Corolla the Tenth”. But it's a commercial for the 2009?
10:43 Judgment! Lisa and Antonia are totally on the chopping block here. They're not even bothering to hide it like they normally do. Lisa makes a face like she swallowed some sour cum.
That, by the way, is what comes up when I search for "sour cum" images with my filter on.
They call in Richard and Steph as the favorites, love all around, blah blah blah.
Yay Richard wins the challenge! He gets a car! He's all like “what? What?” He wins a Corolla. Gee whiz.
Antonia and Lisa go in. Lisa needs to learn to not fold her arms constantly. But at least she's learned to smile. Maybe she saw some earlier episodes where she was glaring like an oversexed ogre.
Antonia's peas fucked it all up. If Lisa makes it to the top three, I will fucking throw my cellphone against the TV. There is no such thing as al dente peas. I bet it's Nikki's fault.
10:55 Decision?
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Someone needs to buy me a new cellphone.
Lisa is all like “I know you guys think the wrong person went home, but a congratulations would be nice.” and Richard is all like “Yay, congratulations, you won a bronze medal, what do you want?”
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