The word monster does not lose its flavor no matter how many times you chew it

I am a monster. This is about my life as a monster.


Item #1 Where Do Monsters Come From?

Monsters come from many different places. Some monsters were created at the beginning of time. There are not many of these ancient monsters left. Or they may all be left. There is no way to tell, because these monsters live by themselves in deep dank places, and have learned to stay away from harm.

Some monsters are born from a mistake. Usually they have human parents who have done something really, really wrong. Some unnatural act, like fucking an animal, breeding things that are enemies, or eating another human. Don’t monsters eat humans too? Yes, but we are not human ourselves. So it’s okay.

The last kind of monster is an accident. This kind of monster is created randomly, through no one else’s fault or mistake. They are just there one day.

This is the kind that gets killed the most.


Item #2 Where Do Monsters Live?

I live in an apartment in Cleveland. Lots of other monsters, I suspect, do too. But sometimes, if a monster is really successful at hiding its nature, it can save up and buy a house. Or eat the person that owns the house, and live there.

The really lucky monster lives in a cave far away from other people and things. But there are not a lot of uninhabited caves left, and travel is expensive.

Item #3 What Makes You A Monster?

Monsters come in many shapes and sizes, but they all have a few traits in common. First, a monster usually has to do something considered evil to survive. Some monsters have to eat virgins. Some have to sell insurance. People would argue that these monsters have a choice of other things to do to live, but then, they are people, and wouldn’t understand.

Second, no monster has the ability to be happy. In movies and stories, monsters are often portrayed as being happy to gobble and smash things. This is a lie. Monsters who gobble and smash may think they are happy, but they are just satisfied. Satisfaction is not the same as happiness. A true monster is never happy because they know they are a monster, and they will always be lonely. Monsters have no friends because they have either eaten them, or driven them away so they won’t eat them later. Monsters are not stupid (to be discussed further on), and they recognize their personality flaws. Also, you cannot convert a monster. There have been occasions in which monsters have been domesticated or housebroken. This is lie. These monsters are merely acting according to what provides them the best meal, and will turn on their “owners” in a moment if the opportunity seems better. I AM NOT A TAME MONSTER.

Lastly, all monsters are ugly. They all have disfiguring qualities, like spots, warts, scales, or scary oversized teeth. I personally am covered in lovely purple lesions, that camouflage me in the forest, like a leopard or a giraffe. If you see someone you suspect is a monster, but who seems too pretty, look very closely at them when it begins to get dark or right at sunrise. Be prepared to run away.

Item #4 What Do Monsters Eat?

Monsters will eat lots of different things. Some monsters will only eat seafood. Others are allergic to wheat. Usually monsters can only eat things raw or else fried very hard.

I am a dairy monster.

Item #5 Why Do Monsters Hate Us?

Monsters do not have the capability to hate anything. In order to do that, you have to be capable of loving something, and monsters cannot be happy so they do not understand love. Most monsters understand that the world is just the way it was made, and hate and love have very little to do with what happens in it. Nothing at all, in fact. This is why monsters have survived all these years, because they just keep doing what they were born to do, despite the best efforts of princes and peasants. A monster doesn’t care if you hate it. It shrugs, and thinks “well, there you have it.”

Monsters are realistic creatures.
They don’t believe in God, or government, or Hallmark.

Item #6 What Should I Do If A Monster Catches Me?

A monster will usually first off kidnap you and confine you in a very small space, or in chains. At this point you have about 24 hours to live, if they intend to eat you. The monster will talk to you about how it will eat you. Monsters are lonely, so they enjoy feedback. DO NOT TRY TO RELATE TO THE MONSTER. You cannot possibly understand how a monster thinks. This is why it’s a monster and not a human being. If you convince the monster to open up to you, it will simply get so worked up that it will end up eating you sooner as comfort food.

Instead, attempt to distract the monster with flattery. If that fails, which is likely, next try to point its attention to something more tasty, like the fat little neighbor boy. Or tell it about a girl you are in love with. Monsters will immediately want to devour anything you love, just to see how you react.

If there is nothing you love either, then shut the hell up and be thankful for the easy out.