Tuesday, May 18, 2010

What the hell am I going to do now?

So here is my own personal post-modern contemporary womanly dilemma...

All of my TV is ending.

Not really true. TV has always, and will always exist. TV is like a mythical smoke monster that came out of a giant glowing island vagina, and can never die, or leave, or have sex with the crazy blonde girl he's been keeping alive for no apparent reason.


Specifically, America's Next Top Model is over, which was my favorite writing exercise every week. Now I'm going to have to find some other mid-week topic that involves little to no thought. But nothing is going to replace Tyra's special brand of fantasy crazy. Luckily, I will soon have the first novel in her three book deal, MODELLAND, to hold me over till the next Cycle starts. I will totally be liveblogging that shit. I mean, this is from her website guys:

"The story happens in a make-believe place called Modelland - every girl in the world wants to go there because it’s where “Intoxibellas” are trained. Intoxibellas are drop-dead beautiful, kick-butt fierce and, yeah, maybe they have some powers too... The story follows a teen girl and her friends who find themselves magically transported to Modelland, even though they’re really not supposed to be there. (Okay, now, that’s ALL I’m saying!) "

There's nothing more that needs to be said, Tyra.

That picture above reminds me of a lot of the reasons I love ANTM so much. The dirty mattress. The open door. The zebra stripe pattern and random bright pink paintball splatter. And the radioactive slime. I think "Intoxibellas" must be birthed here from a Queen, and then gain their special powers from the ooze before they are mentored into fierceness by a giant talking rat.

So no more models for a while. I guess I could go back to liveblogging Top Chef, which starts in June, but that's never as much fun, because I generally actually care who wins that show. And I feel bad making fun of people with so much more talent than me. Also there is less opportunity to mention dragons and androids.

Lost is over on Sunday, which is scaring me, because I don't think there is any way for them to resolve this satisfactorily, unless someone ascends into space all Mother Mary style, and unless that someone is Desmond, and also he absorbs all the electro magnetic mojo of the island and then blows up, scattering it across the universe creating thousands more islands where everyone can go live and be cured of cancer and have Dharma smoothies.

America: The History of Us just covered the industrial revolution, so that's probably got only what? 2 episodes left? I really hope the last episode is the one where Bank of America reveals it's super secret Grand Plan for America. I hope that plan involves algae food factories and Group Think.

I'm always so optimistic when it comes to programming.

I would seriously contemplate regular Mad Men parties, but I don't have the funds to be investing in those duds, and I am terrible at cleaning my house because I have a job and a social life, so take that 1970s!

This blog is going to get SO boring.


  1. right now, i love lucy and the first season as the world turns are broadcasting for the first time some 20 - 30 light years away.

  2. This is the best counterpoint anyone could make here.

  3. Watch Avatar: The Last Airbender.

  4. My favorite mindless mid week tv is the real housewives of new york... and new jersey... I still have no idea why I watch that crap... but thats my reccommendation

  5. I am sad and scared about all the same things. Sigh.

    Well, almost, since that Modelland/Intoxibella thing sounds nightmarishly soul-sucking. I can handle (and even secretly like) ANTM (though I like your recaps way more than the show itself), but Tyra's warped mind being unleashed and uncensored is a prospect I don't want to consider. Shudder.

    At least True Blood starts soon...

  6. The best thing about True Blood is the opening theme song.

    I think I maybe need to start painting my nails. It wouldn't be good to read Tyra's book with bad nails.


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