Friday, May 28, 2010

More Realistic Animal Spirit Guides

The human urge to connect with the natural world around us, to search below the trappings of society to find something pure and primitive in our souls, is completely understandable. Many people choose to identify one animal who they feel is most aligned with their natural personality, as a spiritual guide to their journey in life. However, with the thousands and thousands of species available to show you the path, it seems a select few have been getting most the souls. Not only is this vastly unfair to the rest of the animal kingdom, I think it also speaks to a certain ignorance of our inner beings. So here are some alternative suggestions.

If You Think Your Spirit Animal is a Wolf...

You Might Want to Consider A Marmoset.

The most popular spirit animal out there is the wolf. The wolf is highly territorial, a skilled strategist, a vicious fighter, and a family protector. Also it's very pretty, which I suspect is why many people who are not very smart and couldn't fight their way out of a plastic grocery bag think this is their special animal. Add to that the stereotype of "loner with the world against it, wandering the woods in moonlight, fighting vampires" and its a black velvet dreamcatcher in the making. Wolves are pack animals dude. If you were at a bar with a bunch of wolves, they would be the cool kids ignoring you. Since you like the night so much, may I suggest you look instead to the humble marmoset? Marmosets are easily domesticated, which is a quality that will help you get a girlfriend. They're cute but harmless, likable, and get a lot of medical research jobs, which would help you move out of your mom's basement and make friends.

If You Think Your Spirit Animal is a Jaguar...

May I Suggest the Rusty Spotted Cat?

Let's face it dude. You don't kill large prey, or scare natives. You probably aren't one of the strongest or most agile animals on the planet. However, I understand you may identify with a wild cat's natural freedom, so here is a compromise. The Rusty Spotted Cat is the smallest wild cat in the world. It too hangs out in trees. But instead of taking down large deer, this cat goes after mostly chickens. Look how pretty it is too, with those big blue eyes. You could do worse.

If You Think Your Spirit Animal is a Bear...

Perhaps You Should Look Into Groundhogs?

The bear is a symbol of strength and introspection - I guess because they are by themselves a lot? I don't know, I've never thought of bears as particularly thoughtful but whatever. Bears gorge themselves all summer then sleep all winter. So do groundhogs. In fact, groundhogs are like miniature bears. They live besides highways a lot, which you know, so do you. And they are kind of introspective looking, standing on their little squirrel legs eating, watching the cars go by to far away places while they are fated to stay within the same territory they were born. Sound familiar?

If You Feel a Kindred Spirit with Dolphins...

The Large Mouth Bass Might Be a Better Fit.

Seriously. That bass is eating a fish that's practically the same size as itself, WHOLE. It's like that time your friend dared you to eat those three pickled eggs from the bar, at once.

If You Think You are a Unicorn...

Then Perhaps You are Really a Quagga.

Because the unicorn is a fictional creature. Get it? UNICORNS AREN'T REAL. Quaggas were real, until they were extinct. Which is what will probably happen to you if you don't stop believing in mythical virgin detectors.

If You Think Your Spiritual Guide is a Dragon...

Then You Are For Sure a Pink Fairy Armadillo.

You are probably a very scared little person inside. So you should have an armored plate, and the ability to bury yourself in the ground in seconds. You probably already have both those things. Once again, I can't stress this enough, dragons aren't real. Armadillos are quite real. And this one is one the endangered species list, so maybe you could stop letting your life revolve around your weekly D&D game, and take up a cause instead? There's nothing wrong with your weekly game, it's just that there are 6 other days in the week as well. Also, stop being such a homophobe.


  1. Yes, make this a real feature, weekly. Except, having your life revolve around your game is SMART.

  2. I think the spirit animal for the head of BP should be a Pelican.

    I'm pretty sure mine is a goldfish.

  3. I think anyone who chooses a spirit animal at all is already a few feathers short of a full dreamcatcher.

  4. M- you want me to talk about spirit animals weekly? Or just make fun of new age stuff weekly?

    Ells - BP's spirit animal is an albatross. A dead one. Hanging around their necks.

    Libby- Hey now, I happen to be VERY close in spirit to my cat. However, that may be the result of her sucking out my soul every night while I'm asleep.


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