Monday, May 31, 2010

The Prehistoric Forest Wants Your Childhood, To Fuel Its Spacecraft

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?

A: To rip your fucking head off, duh. With cunning.

Q: What is a dinosaur's favorite thing to eat?

A: Laser Beams.

Q: Why are lady dinosaurs afraid of mirrors?

A: Because they are afraid the sweetness and light reflecting back at them will blind their magic-sensitive eyes.

Q: Where there really giant prehistoric snakes?

A: No. That's an actual snake.

Q: Did the hunter, lost in the monsoon, ever find his sloth village again, and bring food back to his starving sloth children?

A: There are no more giant sloths for a reason.

Q: Am I safe?

A: I am not sure.

Q: No really, should I run?

A: I mean, it's not the worst idea. If you are wrong, the park attendants will just assume you are shrooming, and if you are right, you will still be alive with a generally intact soul. Though it will never be as shiny as it once was.

Q: Shit, is that a giant bug?

A: That is the Prophet of the Praying Mantis, the founder and saint of the grass green hordes, who taught all daughters the techniques of the blood sacrifice, and protects young girls from cowardice.

Q: Don't you totally get the same feeling from this *triceratops* that you get when you read about talking badgers in young adult novels?

A: I've often thought that reading talking animal adventure novels is as addicting as porn. And dangerous. Badgers are nasty little creatures really, and very unlikely to offer you a cup of tea and a ham sandwich. Though I wouldn't put it past them to slaughter pigs and cure their meat.

Q: Wait, isn't that me?

A: Yes, that's you.

Q: Why did mother dinosaurs guard their nests so well, when they knew they were going extinct, when they felt it in the ashy winds and blood soaked sunsets?

A: ...

Q: Is it going to ask me a question?

A: Since giant cobras obviously never existed, I can only believe that one of the sculptors was a secret worshipper of the Cult of the Cobra, a group of women in Lamia who transformed into the deadly snakes and devoured men. Can a woman's beauty be changed into a thing of terror? There's your question.

Q: Is the mammoth really there?

A: The mammoth is always there.

More photos here.


  1. Oh my god, I am so jealous you went there. I am pretty much dying to go. And I have to go this year because it's closing, I guess.

    Oh, dinosaurs, how I love thee.

    ps. That stegosaurus is a triceratops.

  2. Ditto Lindsay. Horns of three, let it be!

  3. I don't know what's wrong with me tonight! I'm so ashamed!

  4. The weird gravity house that gives everyone a seizure, that's right by there no?

  5. It's the same park and it's actually THAT weird. It made me sick.

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  7. Yeah, that's one of those things. I fell down a lot there but the fragile people I took with me had migraine episodes and one convulsed!

    I definitely should go back some time.

  8. I knew the mammoth is always there!
    I knew it!

    they eat laser beams but can they recycle said laser beams and shoot them at you through their mouths and possibly butts?

  9. holy hell do i ever wanna go to the prehistoric forest! and for the record, i'm not UNconvinced that the snake isn't really really real bc that, my friend, is TERR-I-FYING.

  10. What the hell! I feel like I just did a bong rip. Where is this?!

  11. CP: No.

    Steff: It was totally real. Though I find the crouching black thing WAY more terrifying.

    Hippity Hoppity: Ohio is a strange and marvelous place.

  12. OMG I seriously jumped here on my desk at work when I first saw the very 1st pic. It scared the SH*T out of me! Where is this?! I LOVESSSSSSSSSSSS

  13. Hey Annah, thanks for visiting. This park is in the middle of vacation wasteland coastal Ohio. You need a taste for bad wine and at least a passing interest in indoor waterparks to get in.

  14. If you keep going down 163 a couple of miles I recommend Cheese Haven is just lovely Port Clinton. They have an almost incomparable selection of processed cheeses. And pink Catawba wine. Cause they go so well together.

  15. Oh, my god...I've always loved this place, and now will never recollect it without your commentary.

    Somehow, that's a good thing.


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