Sunday, May 23, 2010

Several Ways Lost Could End and Should End, But Probably Isn't Going To

1) Locke corners Jack in the temple. They talk for an unreasonably long time before Locke tries to crush Jack's skull against the wall, not realizing that Jack is now the island's protector and he can't kill him. Jack then uses his new island powers to call down a thousand doves, which beat their wings and get all frantic, and swish Smokey away. Locke tries to rally, with lightning and stuff, but Jack forces his essence into a glass jar, where he is trapped. Sawyer will realize that in order to be a god, you have to have a god complex. Years later, stranded on another island when his spacecraft malfunctions, an astronaut will find the bottle, washed up on a beach. In return for his release, Smokey will grant him three wishes, one of which is an infinite number of wishes, and in frustration at being caught by such an obvious cliche trick, Smokey will decapitate him. Because djinns can do that. Freed from his glass hell, Locke will take over the world, and the Federation is born. Credits roll as Jay Z's Lucifer plays.

2) Walt arrives back on the island, and time freezes as he confronts Desmond. The two are actually electromagnetic opposites, and as they sit on the beach playing backgammon, the air crinkles with waves of power. Walt beats Desmond easily, since he is actually a Junior National Backgammon Champion in New York, and Desmond is melted away by Walt's laser eyes. Vincent then runs out of the jungle, miraculously preserved beyond his natural dog years, and is reunited with Walt. The two of them round up all the survivors, including a powerless against Walt smoke monster, and force them to play a human game of backgammon, where everyone dies horrible deaths when they get captured. Like, Kate gets eaten by a dinosaur, Sawyer is forced to eat jello made from his own blood, ect. Most of the episode is people being killed in new and fantastical ways. Walt is the only one who lives happily ever after. Credits roll while Stand By Me plays, and Walt and Vincent frolic in the waves, using Ben's head as a beach ball.

3) Sawyer kills Jack because he's never forgiven him for killing Juliet, and he really doesn't give a shit about these fucking people or this fucking island. Smokey flies off the island, never to be seen again, cause he just wanted to get off the island dudes. Everyone is still stuck there, but now they age and die, because the island's power is gone. All grown up, Walt will later return to the island, married to Desmond's son, on their honeymoon, and be completely shocked to find out that Vincent's progeny have started a race of talking dogs, which now rule the island with an iron paw, and all the elderly humans are forced to work in the fields as farm slaves. Credits roll while the theme song from Diamonds are Forever plays.

4) The island is a spaceship. This helps no one. Everything blows up. No one knows why.

5) While Locke is busy hunting down the survivors in the jungle, we flash forward to the future, where Aaron Littleton, Charlie Hume, and Kwon Ji Yeon all end up attending the same liberal arts college. They all take the same anthropology course, where Walt is a young professor. Later Charlie will recruit them all to form a secret society of people who can do crazy things with their minds. They call this the Dharma Initiative. Walt will eventually get drunk on a trip to the Amazon with Ji Yeon, and tell her about an island he thinks he's remembers, but he's not sure anymore. Ji Yeon will use Dharma's database to search through Walt's file, and find out all about their parents. This will start a lifelong obsession with finding the island for all 4 of them. Charlie confronts an elderly Penny, who denies everything in an attempt to protect her son from his fathers fate. But eventually she is forced to admit what she knows, which leads to the foursome
tracking down Eloise, who helps them build a time machine to find the island with, since she only knows where its been in the past and not where it is in the present. They find the island, but not in the right century, so the Dharma Initiative devotes itself to discovering the secrets of the island, in an attempt to guide it into the timeframe where their parents exist in a purgatorial state of being severely mutilated and beaten by Smokey, who can't kill them.

No music plays as credits roll because you are all blown away by how awesome this idea is.

6) Lost turns out to be completely based on the lyrics to Monkey Gone to Heaven by the Pixies.

There was a guy
An underwater guy who controlled the sea
Got killed by ten million pounds of sludge from New York and New Jersey

The guy is Poseidon, who is the father of Jacob and Smokey, which is why their mother was saved from drowning. And the ten million pounds of sludge is what's actually causing that radioactive glow from inside the island, which turned Smokey into Smokey in the first place. The Island is in fact a filter for the sea, to try and save it from humanity's toxic solution, which is why the island moves around. And Jacob was the protector of the filter, and Smokey became like, an intelligent pollution monster, which is why he can't escape.

The creature in the sky
Got sucked in a hole, now there's a hole in the sky
And the ground's not cold
And if the ground's not cold, everything is going to burn
We'll all take turns
I'll get mine too

This refers to the pan-dimensional rip in the sky Oceanic Flight 815 created when they crashed, brought down by a malfunctioning island battery. Now, the forcefield of the island is unstable, allowing for small holes in the time space continuum. Which is how Smokey hopes to get out. The ground is not cold anymore, because the filter is losing control of the waste, it burns with poison that will destroys the worlds oceans which is gaining power from the actual sunshine that sneaks in through the broken forcefield.

If man is five, if man is five, if man is five
Then the devil is six, then the devil is six, then the devil is six
And if the devil is six, then God is seven, God is seven, God is seven.

This refers to the big showdown between Smokey and Poseidon's army of kraken that will result in everyone being killed, like, right away, except Hurley, and then there will be an hour of pollution monsters versus giant squid. Captain Planet will show up, turn out to be Charlie Hume, and save the day with his planeteers. Ji Keon is Heart. Walt is Earth. Aaron is Fire. Hurley uses his powers to gather up an army of the dead, who rise from the earth and join the fight. It is a massive showdown, but Poseidon wins. He makes Hurley the new caretaker of Hades.

Suffice it to say, if Walt and Aaron aren't mentioned tonight, I'm going to be so disappointed.


  1. Yeah.. that was a pretty amazing post.

  2. I don't watch "Lost" (I know, I know), but I desperately want it all to be a spaceship.

  3. Hip Hop - I feel like if they don't make it a spaceship, or someone's dream they wake up from, then everyone will be very confused.

  4. Voting #1 or just know they're gonna fuck with your head somehow again for the ending and considering how much they love the flashbacks #5 seems most likely.

  5. You like I Dream of Jeannie starring Smokey huh? Me too.

    All I want is some solid and wonderful reason for all the children. and I want them to take over the world.

  6. I want it to end with Bob Newhart waking up in bed with Suzanne Pleshette and realizing it was all a dream, just like "Newheart." Except Suzanne Pleshette is dead.

  7. So you want the end of Lost to be Bob Newhart being eaten by a zombie Suzanne, as a metaphor for the evolution of feminism?

  8. I was hoping they all woke up in Bob NewHart's bed.

  9. I just saw this post. All of these scenarios are waaaayyyy better than what actually happened. You should have been a writer on that show. Seriously.

  10. I may just start sending this out as my resume.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?