Wednesday, May 5, 2010

ANTM Cycle 14: "Amoebas don't make motorcycles and atomic bombs! "

Kaneda: This has GOT to be a trap.
Kei: Then go back.
Kaneda: No. I just have to find how MUCH of it is a trap.

This is how it works. Miss Jay will make some extra money, shilling for a travel site, and you won't mind as much as you thought you would. Because the power of tv is such that even watching an episode on DVR, you still stop to watch the AT&T commercial because really why hasn't someone draped the St. Louis Arch in satin? It needs to be done. It screams to be done.

This is how it works. Angelea is actually scrapbooking. Since the rise of the upstart Krista, Angelea has become more and more likable, as if in direct proportion to the decaying of her weave. A little humbleness has done wonders for her poise, and the villain here is really fickle Alex now, stripey side kicking Alex who feeds off the energy coming from Krista's new found bitchdom.

And this is how it works now bitches, Krista will win everything. Amazed by her recent string of wins, Krista's head has expanded like a nitrous balloon, slightly squeaky, cold to the touch, and liable to pop. 28th in a line of cheekbones, the praise has sunk into her skin and bloomed, an iridescent bloom of fame fungus. It leaves her with the shakes. She is literally withdrawing the moment the camera leaves her stone cut face. Outside Hobbiton (I'm not touching that, one geek reference a post, we must have continuity people, a theme, the STRUCTURE is everything), waiting for the winner, her frame trembles with every word. She sees the end coming, she doesn't know when, but she's determined to expand, and she is terrified of the ceiling coming close down upon her. Of running out of room to win. When her name is called, it's as if a fuse is fixed and all the appliances come back on at once. Krista is growing her soft exoskeleton slowly, it will harden with time, she is a Top Model Ninja. She goes on set and, grrr, she eats them all.

Tyra is the Shadow. But she is the Shadow in broad daylight. And she is the shadow in broad daylight with a secret. She slinks into the brightly lit, glaring even, vineyard in a denim jumpsuit and have you ever noticed that the universal hand gesture for "fierce" bears eerie resemblance to the universal gesture for removing a brain sucking parasite from your face?

So give Tyra your secrets my lovelies. Alex, tell her about the bag of halloween candy under your bed. Jessica, tell her you know the reason she keeps asking you about your family is because she knows you're going home and why doesn't she just tell you? Angelea, tell her your fake hair is telling you to do things, at night, when everyone's asleep. Tell her it scares you and you don't know how much longer you can hold it in. And Krista. Krista, tell her about the hunger in the pit of your abdomen,, and about the fear you see when you look in the mirror. The stranger with the hateful eyes that looks back at you. Raina, tell her why you chose "Oh MyLanta" as the catchphrase you want to be remembered by a nation for?

Tyra wields a camera, and the results are as follows. Alex is actually Diane Lane in Under The Tuscan Sun. Raina is a ghost pirate. Angelea is waiting for the Spartans to rape and pillage her. Jessica is Bambi's little sister. And Krista is a Cheetah with a Secret.

She follows Jessica back, after elimination, to the penthouse. She swallows her whole, and then slowly chews on the camera crew. The footage is later found and pieced back together, at the end of the world. Which apparently we have to look forward to.


  1. I don't normally watch this show but I caught the end last night and Tyra was up to showing off again. I started cracking up when she was demonstrating looking at an object close to her and then one far away.

  2. "Smizing is actually what you do when you don't have your contacts in, or you are too drunk to focus, or you can't tell if you know someone across the room, or if you have a nervous twitch...."


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