Sunday, March 28, 2010

America's Next Top Model: What the Fuck Tyra?

I know firing squads aren't allowed in America, but isn't the CW based in the Phillipines? Or a dimension where international law doesn't apply? Why are they in Barbie's Malibu condo?

So I mentioned my DVR drama last week. Apparently the magic box has magically worked itself out, so lucky me, I was able to watch ANTM's last episode. Remember how I was all set to cancel my cable? Well then Breaking Bad started again, and this new show Justified with Timothy Old Elephant. So yeah, I'm not getting rid of it. Nobody thought for a moment I really would right? That would be like France admitting Muslims have rights. That Justified show is kick ass by the way. But after watching this ANTM episode, I can safely say I fear for my sanity. Cause I voluntary watched this show for years. Like, two years. Countless hours spent trying to come up with pithy comments and comedic insults. Only to be rewarded, once my ANTM skills were tuned and humming, to this disaster of a season.

It's like Tyra thought "hey, Bridget's not watching, let's kick everyone off that is mildly attractive at all!"

My favorites have been decimated. The after school tragedy of Gabrielle. The CBS mystery of Naduah. And now the whiny embarrassment that is R.E.N. "I just want my mom to like me! Even though I apparently hate her! But yet I'm only doing this for her! She didn't buy me clothes!" I'm sure they all deserved to be sol...sent home.

Now we're left with 8 weird girls they grabbed from malls, who all have kids and desperation in spades. Abasia, Abattoir, Achene, Algolagnia, Anile, Apostrophe, Arguria and Allolalia. The Eight Reasons to send your teenage daughter to an all girls school. I hate them all. I hate the one who DOES look like Miranda from SIC. I hate the trashy one from Georgia who is going to be the worst old lady ever. I hate the pageant queen who doesn't know how to pose and wears weird purple things to panel. I sort of hate the skinny boney one who functions as a black hole, sucking in all interest and leaving us with nothing but the Approaching Void... but not as much as the others. I want to take the one who is obviously Skipper's black friend and ship her to Bryn Mawr and leave her there until she learns how to tell the difference between clothing and bathing suits.

And then there's Raina. I don't particularly like her as a model, but whatever. She and the Void are the only ones with a shot here. Let's just put them in a cage and let them battle it to the death, then we'll really be able to tell who Wants It More.

Tyra, you have spent 9 years whipping your viewing public into model judging shape. You have to raise your standards accordingly. Or maybe the show has successfully gone through all the pretty girls in America who give a shit about Cover Girl?

This Leon Talley thing? Is it there to eat the losers? Kill it.

There may or may not be another recap next week. I may have run off to Wyoming by then, and boarded myself up in an abandoned coal mine.


  1. "Or maybe the show has successfully gone through all the pretty girls in America who give a shit about Cover Girl?"

    Yup, that.

    Team Raina, to hell with the rest of them.

  2. I sort of want to be on Team Skipper's Black Friend. But that's how I get hurt.


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