Tuesday, March 16, 2010

What To Do In Cleveland for St. Patricks Day If You are Really Irish and Not A Poser

I finally, after 5 years of having to work St. Patricks Day, got it off this year. That's 5 years of being named Bridget Callahan and not wearing the color green on 3/17 at work. 5 years of the same conversation over and over again. "Bridget Callahan. You're Irish, aren't you? Why aren't you out drinking? Why aren't you wearing green Bridget? Where's your Irish spirit Bridget?"

My Irish spirit is telling me to quit this job, mister. See, most of the time, we don't listen to our Irish spirit, because it tells us to get degenerate drunk and have unprotected sex.

Alright, seriously, my name is Bridget. Callahan. Who the hell doesn't know that's Irish? That's like saying you don't know Maria DiRienzo isn't Italian. Or Olga Napistroika isn't Russian. Napistroika is not a real last name, I don't think, but I sorta wish it was.

Last year I wrote about "stupid rich snots and their Irish Pubs."
2008 it was How Living in Cleveland is Just Like Being Irish
And 2007, R.E.M. was the official band of St. Patricks .
So this year, let's talk about...

What I Will Be Doing Tomorrow Since I Am Actually Sort of Irish (even though we are all technically Americans, which is fine because I would probably make no money, have 12 children, and believe in leprechauns if my forefathers hadn't had the sense to skedaddle.)

1) Going to Church with My Mum.
Alright. This part of the plan is not concrete yet. After all, I'm a hardcore atheist. But my mom is Catholic, and always has to go to church by herself now that my brother's in Columbus. So it would make her happy. Also, I was in church choir for a long time (and every other minor position of power I could insinuate myself into), so there's a nostalgia factor for me. It involves waking up pretty early. But they will have bagpipes.

Point is, you have to go church first, because it's a church holiday, and THEN you go to the bar. DO IT RIGHT PEOPLE OR GOD WILL PUNISH YOU.

2) Eating Corned Beef with My Mum, and Drinking
We'll ( Mom and her friends and me), be going to the ABC Tavern tomorrow morning, so if you wanna come say hi, I'll be the one making fun of my mom for being drunk. My mother is hilariously exactly like me when drunk. Or I'm exactly like her? I like the first way of saying it better.

3) Chasing down short men in green hats, and demanding they give me money.
To be fair, I do this all year round.

4) Voting Democrat.
I know there isn't an election tomorrow, but that's never stopped us before. I figure I can just rig one up in the girls' bathroom. Figure out some way to make it a pyramid scheme. Maybe also have some under the table betting. Kiss some babies. Just symbolically of course, babies are germ infested booger bombs. My ancestors didn't run from the peat bogs just to have some baby spit all over them.

5) Fail At Something Miserably.
Then I will forget I was the one that failed, and blame everyone else. Because I'm awesome at everything I do, so it certainly isn't my fault.
Trust me, this is quintessentially Irish.

6)Overspend on Booze.
See absolutely everything I said above.

7)Apologize to my significant other for being wasted and therefore no good in bed.

So everyone have lots of fun tomorrow, and for gods sakes, use condoms!


  1. If you were so Irish you would be calling her Mam. Therefore despite your Irisher name I am more Irish than you. Let's fight. I'm sharpening my fists now.

  2. I'm not doing any of those. Which makes me sad-ish. Except the last three. Which makes me happy, even though I'm pretty sure God is already punishing me

  3. Christine - unless you are secretly a fairy, you are too tiny and I will start to fight you and it will end up being you and me crying over our spiked coffees which is HOW EVERY IRISH FIGHT ENDS.

    Jason - the last three are the only really important ones.

  4. Yesss. I am going to celebrate being half Irish and Scots-Irish by going to work, not eating corned beef, not drinking, and going to bed early. Because you know, this country was built on the backs of my people. Or something.

  5. You are completely underestimating the modern Irish americans contribution to the malt, hops, and corn industries.

    You are failing your economy.

  6. I to will be starting the day in Church with my mom. It is THE High Holy Day of an Irish girl's year, I will avoid th parade at all costs because I value my life and I have almost been killed downtown on this day at various corners by rapant drunkerds. We will end the day again at church because as good catholic's we have discovered this is a great day to drink and raise money and listed to bagpipers!

  7. I guess that I'll get pretty spry tomorrow too, downtownish? Look me up? I won't hold your hair back, but also, I won't laugh at you.

  8. Ohio was built on the backs of our people! I am going to spend today writing angry letters about how we let the Ohio & Erie Canal fall into disuse too soon. Bring back the canals! Erin go Bragh!

    Also I'm secretly one of the Tuatha Dé Danann. Therefore I would win in a fight.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?