The 5 Most Appropriate Ways for Gossip Girl to End

Listen, if you don't know what Gossip Girl is, I can't help you. I don't know why or how, but this season is either the last or second to last one. I think it's the baby/wedding story arc that's throwing it into the final maneuvers. When you start marrying main characters off to the Prince of Monaco, what else is left really? Well, here's what I suggest.

1) I've argued for a while that what's going on in Gossip Girl is that Leighton Meester's character is actually stuck in a sensory dep tank deep within occupied territory, where the rebels are forcing her to live through manufactured nightmares in which she thinks she is Blair Waldorf. I don't know why they are doing this - maybe she is a new hybrid being and they are mining her adrenalin and tears for the recreational drugs of the new Manhattan's Elite.

2) Blair is actually a planted sleeper agent for an unknown dark force trying to assassinate the Prince of Monaco. On their wedding night, she plants a biological weapon in their suite, and flies out of the country as zombie apocalypse breaks out. Later, in the spin off, she redeems herself as a hostile but warmhearted leader of the Survivors.

3) In this season, Nate (who for no good reason just became the editor of a paper, at like 22) decided to start a war with Veronica Mars/Gossip Girl (I just learned today that Kristen Bell is the voiceover, XOXO wrongdoers), but then got immediately manipulated back into place by her. So obviously the next step is that  with Gossip Girl is under attack, she turns out to be a serial killer and starts quietly killing off all the main characters, episode by episode, as Blair and Chuck race to stop her before their numbers are up. Nate should be first, and it should involve a sex scandal with Drake (erotic asphyxiation I think) This would be great especially because nobody knows more about these dolls than the person who's been stalking them for 10 years. Maybe they could bring in the Mentalist to help catch her, thus giving me such a trash tv orgasm, I can never ever watch tv again.

4) Serena is a killer robot, planted by Cylons to infiltrate Earth's defense systems. No, not really. But she does become a tennis superstar, and then gets accidentally sold into the Ukrainian sex slave market. The end. Everybody hates Serena and when she's gone, they all live happily ever after. Last episode, we see the show end from the perspective of a small teen blonde girl in Louisana who is just crying and crying and crying in her shabby small bedroom plastered with posters of the cast members. She has 12 hairbows in her hair.

5) Jenny comes permanently back to town after being banished by Blair to Hudson (that actually happened), and becomes a reality show star. She spends every episode walking in some point in the middle of the show and randomly cursing or fighting or freaking out with whoever is available. These temper tantrums should have nothing to do with the actual show, it will be like a recurring joke we're all in on. But then at the season finale, she commits suicide, and everyone else has a revelation about the wanton wastefulness of their own lives. We then get an epilogue where we find out that each character has gone off to do something really awesome - like building schools in Africa, or studying global warming. Blair becomes a Doctor of Feminism, and writes a best selling book that changes how the country sees preteen girls. Chuck moves to Cleveland revitalizes the Slavic Village neighborhood. Serena gets fat and joins a knitting circle, where she finally finds happiness with a bearded bikester. The entire last episode is soundtracked by Fleet Foxes.

Update - #6 Jenny is often referred to as Raccoon Eyes, because of her generous use of eyeliner. In the last episode, she is played by an actual raccoon. Nobody notices. Turns out she's been a real raccoon this whole time. Plus, urban wildlife awareness!

America's Next Top Model: What the Fuck Tyra?

I know firing squads aren't allowed in America, but isn't the CW based in the Phillipines? Or a dimension where international law doesn't apply? Why are they in Barbie's Malibu condo?

So I mentioned my DVR drama last week. Apparently the magic box has magically worked itself out, so lucky me, I was able to watch ANTM's last episode. Remember how I was all set to cancel my cable? Well then Breaking Bad started again, and this new show Justified with Timothy Old Elephant. So yeah, I'm not getting rid of it. Nobody thought for a moment I really would right? That would be like France admitting Muslims have rights. That Justified show is kick ass by the way. But after watching this ANTM episode, I can safely say I fear for my sanity. Cause I voluntary watched this show for years. Like, two years. Countless hours spent trying to come up with pithy comments and comedic insults. Only to be rewarded, once my ANTM skills were tuned and humming, to this disaster of a season.

It's like Tyra thought "hey, Bridget's not watching, let's kick everyone off that is mildly attractive at all!"

My favorites have been decimated. The after school tragedy of Gabrielle. The CBS mystery of Naduah. And now the whiny embarrassment that is R.E.N. "I just want my mom to like me! Even though I apparently hate her! But yet I'm only doing this for her! She didn't buy me clothes!" I'm sure they all deserved to be sol...sent home.

Now we're left with 8 weird girls they grabbed from malls, who all have kids and desperation in spades. Abasia, Abattoir, Achene, Algolagnia, Anile, Apostrophe, Arguria and Allolalia. The Eight Reasons to send your teenage daughter to an all girls school. I hate them all. I hate the one who DOES look like Miranda from SIC. I hate the trashy one from Georgia who is going to be the worst old lady ever. I hate the pageant queen who doesn't know how to pose and wears weird purple things to panel. I sort of hate the skinny boney one who functions as a black hole, sucking in all interest and leaving us with nothing but the Approaching Void... but not as much as the others. I want to take the one who is obviously Skipper's black friend and ship her to Bryn Mawr and leave her there until she learns how to tell the difference between clothing and bathing suits.

And then there's Raina. I don't particularly like her as a model, but whatever. She and the Void are the only ones with a shot here. Let's just put them in a cage and let them battle it to the death, then we'll really be able to tell who Wants It More.

Tyra, you have spent 9 years whipping your viewing public into model judging shape. You have to raise your standards accordingly. Or maybe the show has successfully gone through all the pretty girls in America who give a shit about Cover Girl?

This Leon Talley thing? Is it there to eat the losers? Kill it.

There may or may not be another recap next week. I may have run off to Wyoming by then, and boarded myself up in an abandoned coal mine.

ANTM Cycle 14: Briefly Briefly We Fly Into the Light

TEAM R.E.N.

I'm not going to dwell long on what was obviously such a momentous night in my household. We were there, we all saw it together. Suffice it to say, Tyra's long cherished dream of designing, engineering, and making over the perfect fake tv model has been realized. The moment R.E.N. stepped into the spotlight and over Perez Hilton's prostrate body, boldly staring down her organic competitors while her Creator glowed proudly above her, the the television/gossip blog world was changed forever, as well as several hotly debated areas of physics and molecular biology. Also she's vegan.

This will be a Cycle to remember for generations.



Now, how the hell do I get Top Model Canada and Top Model Germany on my TV? Are they on Netflix? Will The Boy allow me to use his Netflix to watch Heidi Klum in Tyra's role if I explain what a massive hole Project Runway has left in my psyche?

Exile in Snowsville

So everyone has been in an uproar over this Forbes article that claims Cleveland has the worst winters in the country. They should have kept their mouths closed, because they pissed off the Lake Monster, and now it's snow snow snowing. I'm all snug and cozy in my house, so no complaints, except that I have to do laundry yet have no motivation to leave the house to do this. Yay no underwear days.

A text exchange with the Boy yesterday:

B: Snowpocalypse! Snowapalooza. Snowmageddon. nightmare in snowsville.
S: World War Snow
B: Snow of the worlds
S: Saving Private Snow
B: The Snow Also Rises
S: Snow on 34th St. Dances with Snow. Snow White and the Snow
B: The Seven Snows, duh.
B: War and Snow
S: Aqua Teen Hunger Snow
S: The Grinch that stole Snow
B: I think we're done
S: No!
S: What about "A Few Good Snowmen"


I watched so much TV last night, I kinda don't want to watch anymore ever. At least till next Tuesday. It was one of those locked down marathon sessions, where you catch up on all your DVR stuff, then there's LOST, and more DVR stuff. At the end of the night, I think I was convinced that Nathan Fillion was an international spy sent to kill zombie Iraqis, who recently found out he was the father of a blonde Abercrombie & Fitch model. A model who's dating Mac from Always Sunny.

Speaking of Life, Unexpected (I hate that comma so goddamn much. I don't even think there IS a comma there, but it sounds like there's a comma there, so I put a comma and curse my life every time.) Anyway, speaking of, I got stuck before bed last night trying to predict every single episode summary they will have on that show. I feel like if maybe I put them all down here, and then they all come true, someone at CW will note my prescience and hire me. So here we go:

Probable Upcoming Episodes for Life, Unexpected:

1) Parent teacher conferences. Baze (the irresponsible Dad/bar owner) does something irresponsible, which leads Kate (the uptight and self-righteous mother) to believe he won't show up. But then he does. And the teacher, witnessing their inability to get along, tells them all of Lux's problems are their fault. Which is true. Then they both gang up on the teacher, and feel better about themselves. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

2) Ryan (Kate's fiancee) finds out Kate and Baze slept together the one night they were broken up. He threatens to leave. Kate appeals to his pity for her (I can't be a single mom, blah blah blah) and he stays. Baze is depressed about this, since he figures out he loves Kate. He drinks some more. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

3) Ryan and Kate, being recently outed as a couple in their professional careers, have to discuss their upcoming nuptials on their radio show, which leads to Kate having some cold feet. So she makes out with Baze. Ryan leaves her. Everyone is happy his completely unnecessary character is gone. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

4) Lux makes some new misfit friends at her ultra preppy high school, and then her old preppy friends who hated her now hate her more and she becomes the target of some really lame jokes. She is miserable, and wishes she was back on the streets with her heroin dealer boyfriend Bug. Then she runs away for a night to Bug's apartment, and Kate flips out, and they have a discussion about boundaries. Bug once again tries to convince her to run away with him to Tijuana to start that pony show they always talked about. She says she can't leave with him, even though it will mean two holes in her heart (she had heart surgery as a kid). Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

5) Since Bug and Lux are on the outs, totally predictable because now she's all rich and fancy, Lux meets a new preppy boy at school, and totally crushes on him. Bug finds out and beats New Guys face into a bloody pulp by the bicycle racks. Lux tells Bug to run, and doesn't turn him into the cops, but is forever known as Bloody Mary at school. She cries in her room all the time and won't eat. Kate gets a large pitbull/boxer mix for protection. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

6) Lux's paternal grandfather takes her out to lunch, to get to know her. They discuss his true feelings about his son Baze, which are basically a combination of homophobia and disappointment. Lux bonds with her grandfather over these mutual feelings, and Baze gets very unhappy about this. Then Kate's mom wants in on the action, but no one pays attention to her, cause she's an alcoholic, which is secretly why Kate gave up Lux in the first place. Lux gets really sick with another hole in heart, and goes to the hospital for emergency surgery, which makes everyone realize they love her and should put up with all the other bullshit in order to make her life better. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

7)Lux's grandfather takes her on a camping trip, because she's probably never seen a fish, even though she lives in Seattle. But actually he's testing her reflexes and cognitive abilities, because as it turns out, he had a daughter that died at her age, and then he created an avatar of her and planted that in a giant robot body. Which is why no one wanted her when she was little. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else. Also robots.

8) Lux somehow managed to skip three grades of high school, and has to pick a college. Kate gets all freaked out that she'll leave them, which Lux would do, only she's bound by the poison her grandfather has been administering her every day and has to get the antidote from him every week or she'll die. So she stays local, and gets an apartment with one of her misfit friends. Then Bug shows up and tries to get some crack money from her. When she won't let him in, he rapes her roommate and then gets the blame placed on Baze. Who it turns out has a record. He beats the crap out of Kate's alcoholic mother, and holds a hasty wedding with Kate before running for the border. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.


See? They should just give this show to me now.

I Finally WatchedThe Vampire Diaries A LOT, which should be spelled Vampyr. Really. They're Not Trying Hard Enough.

I have this friend who has been working on a trio of paintings for like, a year. Each one is a city landscape, and he just keeps painting over things, taking buildings down, taking signs down, repainting the signs, changing the skies so it goes from hurricane to mild rain, some sunshine, weird lighting. He was telling me about the newest part over the phone, and I was suddenly really sad that I hadn't been taking pictures of the paintings ever time I went over there. It would show them in every manifestation, and it would be like that movie Smoke, where the guy takes a picture of the same street corner, every day at the same time, for like fifty years. I think the photo journal accompaniment would be cool to have, it would make the triptych into a comment on urban development. Also then he could make an animation of it. MISSED OPPORTUNITY.



Yesterday instead of cleaning I watched like ten episodes of the Vampire Diaries in a row. I don't know why I put it on the recording schedule. CW was doing like a marathon of the entire first season last week, and I must have thought what the hell. I wish very much that at that exact moment, one of you had kicked me in the head. It's one of those shows where everyone sucks, except for one character, which gets all the sarcastic lines, so he's like a walking Writers inside joke. And that's the character played by my boyfriend from Rules of Attraction. This show might have worked way better if Edward (I mean Stefan) was played by Dawson. And Bella (I mean Elena) was played by Susan Sossamon. And there were no vampires. And the vampires didn't have rings that let them walk around in the sun. If we took those rings away, it would cut in half the amount of 90210 drama. Still leaving it with more than 90210 itself. Also, there are no werewolves, yet. What is the point of vampires if you don't have werewolves?

When I was younger, I used to read Anne Rice and Poppy Z Brite. While I would never be tempted to read them again (because frankly I'd rather reread The Babysitters Club), it does seem like I had a better quality of trashy vampire sex novel back then. I think Stephanie Meyers is lowering people's expectation at how hard an author should work to hide that she's writing porn.

When you watch ten hours of something, anything, you are going to start to feel high on it. My emotional take away from this event was that it's totally true, every new person you date is going to be a compilation of traits from previous people you dated, so I can totally forgive this crappy storyline where Elena looks exactly like some vampire Civil War Belle that Stefan used to be in love with. Because even though its incredibly creepy to have some guy with that kind of hair be stalking you for 145 years in various incarnations, and also quite sad to think that even though you keep being reborn, you will somehow always be stuck in this small town, it's kind of reflective of how everyone's relationships are. Right?

Those rings are seriously lame.

Last night I saw some old friends, and I got extremely drunk at ABC. Then, at home, I was walking to the bathroom from my bedroom, and fell head first down the stairs. Even worse, afterwards, I couldn't get unstuck from between the stairs and the front door, which I hit hard. It took me forever to get up. I think it's actually a good thing I was that drunk, I think the alcohol probably made it better, because when I woke up this morning it wasn't that bad and I didn't even have a bruise yet. It has however been developing on several spots on my body, like a bloody fungi under my skin. Up above? That's my lower back. Also on my knee, and a giant bump on my head. It reminded me of the last time I hurt myself that badly, which was back in Kent when I drank an entire bottle of Southern Comfort, and walked across town with friends to go to a club. I was totally fine the whole way there, until we got to the door and I tripped and fell flat on my face. Hard. Also, there was the time when Marty lived in this house, actually the first time I met him, he had a party and I fell down the basement steps, all the way down. In retrospect, I think this house is actively trying to kill me.



I've noticed that I seem to get the most comments on posts I write that are all serious and shit, and never the funny ones. It's like you guys don't think I'm funny or something. I mean, I'm not the funny one in my family, that's my sister. But I think I'm up there on the ladder, somewhere around "not not funny". So since it can't be my writing, I have to assume it is your fault. You guys are way too obsessed with love and beauty and shit like that, like you think it's IMPORTANT or something. How did I get such serious readers?

Anyway, my brother showed me The Bloggess, and she's become my favorite funny blog. She's one of those ones that is SO good, you want to leave her comments on everything, but there's already 214 comments on each post, so what's the point?