The Blood Sucking Jesus Lizard God is Displeased.

I have this co-worker. For the sake of anonymity, we'll call her Critter. Critter is like 5 years younger than me and lazy. How do I bridge the generation gap? I've found yelling and sneering at her is a good start but need more ideas.

Alright, so first of all, not to point out the obvious, but let's start with the fact that you nicknamed her Critter, instead of Caroline, or Jackie. This naturally leads me to assume you are working on a farm, and your co-worker is the mule that pulls your grindstone. I can see how in a high pressure industry, like barley farming?(I don't know, millet?) That you would resent a co-worker not pulling her own weight. But I think you need to look at this from Critter's perspective. She must be an old mule, if she's only five years younger than you, and mules don't live that long. Like you, she's watched the best years of her long eared life be pulverized by the same daily grindstone that haunts your own dreams. She only wants to stay in her nice warm stable, munching some feed, chatting with the cart horses. She figures she's put in her time. But there's no retirement for mules, they work until they drop dead in the leads. She knows this, and deep down you know it to, which manifests in your obvious superiority complex towards this poor creature. Yelling? Sneering? Hardly professional, and really, mules can't read facial expressions like we do, so you're wasting your time on that last part and probably giving yourself wrinkles on top of it. Do you really want to be seen as the mean old mule driver with wrinkles?

Buy Critter some carrots and have a little sympathy. Not everyone has thumbs.

Which supernatural creature or monster should be the next big thing, now that vampires and zombies are kind of overplayed?

This is like practically begging to have your blood drained or your brains eaten, so I hope you took the proper precautions before writing this question. I promise no protection to my readers. If some zombie comes banging on my door looking for your IP address, do not think for one second I am taking one for the team.

Moving on.
Mermaids.
I would prefer giants or fox spirits with nine tails, but the first one has no sex appeal and the latter smacks of Pokemon. Mermaids though are sirens and shape shifters, and can be used to get across an environmental message. Also, they ride killer whales, which is trendy right now. At least, my mermaids ride killer whales. They also use crabs to brush their hair, and molt their scales by scratching them against the coral. They're warlike, but slightly hapless, what with the no legs thing. They have socialized medicine, but a fanatical political party within their parliament is urging an agenda of xenophobia and offensive raids on unsuspecting coastal towns. Their princess wishes she was a real girl. They harvest the livers of drowned sailors and use the gin fumes to power Atlantis on completely clean energy. They've been at physical and spiritual war with the unicorns ever since the Red Bull drove them into ocean and forced them to evict a whole village of mermen, to make room for their Unicorn Romping Grounds/Refugee Camp.

I mean, this shit just writes itself. Plus, think of the merchandising. You can't market bath products for vampires, what's your tagline then? "Smell like the hot undead?" Mermaid happy meals could encourage kids to eat fish. Mermaid vodka. Mermaid target practice nerf spears. Mermaid change purses and mace holders. Mermaid makeup- providing young girls with another legitimate reason to wear glitter. Really, any monster that does that wins.

what is your opinion of Goodnight Moon?

Goodnight Moon is a wonderful childrens book. Not only is it a memorable,simple ritual, but it introduces a basic mental game to little kids as they try to spot the differences between each illustration of the room. It also allows kids to imagine inner lives for inanimate objects, one of the most important traits of a healthy imagination. Seriously, SO IMPORTANT to be able to visualize everything mundane around you being alive.

Also, the more your child identifies with bunnies, the more he's gonna get his mind blown when he finally reads Watership Down. Though, the Velveteen Rabbit phase before that might be a bit hard. And he might grow up hating cats. But in all fairness, that could have happened anyway, it's not necessarily my fault.

Do you believe in life after death?

Short answer: no. I've had a few people I loved die, and I'm completely comfortable with the idea that they ceased to exist, and their molecules disintegrated, and that's that. I don't talk to them. I don't pray to them. They were around, and now they're not, and that's what happens to all life forms eventually.

And the long answer is, you want to know how this affects my morality and ambition. After all, if nothing happens afterwards, then whats the point right? Why not just kill myself then right? Or kill other people. Or do the bare minimum until I die.

The point is, I could do any of those things. It wouldn't matter to me after I died. But thankfully, nature has programmed me with these awesome electrical impulses that make me want to eat, fuck, sleep, and not die. If I were to kill other people, or sit in my own filth watching Soap Network until I passed out, neither of those things is going to advance my aforementioned biological imperatives. Also, there's this really cool thing that happens in my skull when I learn something, or formulate a question I hadn't thought of before. It's great. It's like, the greatest thing ever. Endlessly entertaining and thoroughly meaningless, so you're guaranteed success with it, because you can't fail.

Morality is in fact a survival skill. Community and government and laws, these are all based in the idea that we have boundaries for the greater good and happiness. You don't need fear of hell or a carrot on a stick to see the sense in that.

OK- as a follow up- tell me more about Stephanie Meyers as a repressed mormon. I am fascinated. (And aware this isn't really a question.)

Oh, nice segue from Morality and Death. Great. Just great.

Stephanie Meyer does not drink, does not smoke. Because of religion, not health. Graduated from Brigham Young University, a place named after a horrible man who killed a lot of people and controlled a whole population with the authority of a exacting and cruel made-up god. Coincidentally the only time she lived outside of Arizona was her time in Utah, which is when they sent her secretly to South America for the alien virgin rites. She also refers to herself as a "straitlaced" Mormon, which is good cause I've known so many relaxed Mormons and it's hard to tell sometimes. It means she had all her organs removed and donated to the Church Elders, so she's laced up in the back, which is how she's getting to heaven. Heaven doesn't allow people in without properly laced straits. She married at 21, only worked once briefly as a receptionist, and then stayed at home with her three children all the time.

Then she had a sex dream one night where a vampire was love with her, but also thirsted for her blood. Unfortunately, she knew she wasn't good enough to write a story about Jesus, so instead she named him Edward, and the rest is history. Yes, that's right. Twilight is the story of the Mormon Jesus Blood Sucking Lizard God Who Has Sex With Babies. The Baby is you. It's a metaphor.

Also, look at her website. It looks likes it was designed for people who are scared of websites.

Dear Mormons reading this: it's not that I dislike your religion more than most, it's just that yours came after the Age of Reason. And only gained legitimacy cause you bred like bunnies in the most isolated barren wasteland you could find. Totally the traditional way to turn crazy rapist cult into a tax break, so good for you. But we're not friends.

Really, how bad does twilight suck

Oh clever, a little pun. Aren't you proud of yourself? Why don't you go write a book now? Maybe it will make you millions.

Twilight sucks THIS much.

Ask me anything