Conversations in My Head

Conversation 1:

(Note: I have no idea how Mr. O’Reilly feels about companies having to provide health care, specifically. I just know he’s a douche. I apologize in advance if in fact he actually believes all companies owe it to their employees to provide health care and should be forced to by the government. I’m just pretty sure he doesn’t.)

Edit: apparently Mr. O'Reilly listened to me? We have some telepathic connection? Or he's decided to let Beck carry on the torch.

Me: So you don’t think health care should be something that companies are forced to give their employees, right?

Bill O’Reilly: Absolutely not. Socialism blah blah blah….

Me: And do you believe everyone deserves health care?

Bill O’Reilly: Blah blah blah self-determination blah hard work blah blah

Me: So people should only choose to get jobs where they get health care?

Bill O’Reilly: Corporate rights, the market place, blah blah blah

Me: So what we’re saying here is that Wal-Mart is a bad place to work, because no one would work someplace without health care if they had a choice. Right?

(Here Mr. O’Reilly’s head slowly starts to inflate and turn yellow)

Me: Of course, I’m assuming that all human beings believe everyone deserves to have an option for health care, if they are hard working and taxpayers. I mean, I believe EVERYONE should have health care, but at the very least your constituents should have it. I mean, here’s the ironic thing. Probably most of the people who watch your program DON’T have health care, if they’re so working class and blue collar and redneck and American ect. You don’t get health care by being a roofer, construction worker, gas station attendant, ect. But they’ve been raised to feel like unless they earn it by being some successful stockbroker, lawyer, or demagogue, they don’t deserve it. You are telling your listeners that unless they are rich, they are not entitled to expect anything of their government, that in fact the fight of their life is to stop the government from interfering with money they have not made, nor can realistically expect to ever make. And you’re telling them that if they are stupid enough to work at Wal-Mart, screw them.

(Completing its transformation, O’Reilly’s daffodil yellow smiling round face rotates in a circle, like a trapped balloon. It slowly starts to float in my direction, opening its black slash of a mouth to reveal great white shining teeth)


Conversation 2: (this happened to a friend of mine, and while it did not end this way, it should have.)

Abortion protester: Evil! EVAAAL! Take a picture of the sinner!

Me: But they don’t even do abortions here. I’m getting birth control.

Abortion protester: EVIL!

Me: Wait, you don’t believe in birth control either?

Abortion protester: All methods of stopping God’s holy swimmers are the work of the Devil.

Me: Is it more evil for me to prevent getting pregnant, or to get pregnant and have an abortion?

Abortion protester: It is evil to have sex outside the holy covenant of marriage.

Me: Who said I wasn’t married? How do you know? (I’m not)

Abortion protester: People who get married don’t use birth control.

Me: Listen, you’re obviously not a logical person, but try to understand this. You think I’m evil, and a bad person. So why would you want me to have kids? Why wouldn’t you want everyone who believes such bad sinful stuff to stop having children, so your kind can overpopulate the planet and have a chance at the general election?

Abortion protester: Your children are innocent, and should be raised by good Christian families.

Me: So you want me to have the child, and then give it to you?

Abortion protester: Yes, the baby deserves a chance to know God’s love.

Me: I can guarantee you that raising a bastard child who’s told not to become his sinful mother every time he does something wrong, who can’t even know his own bloodline because they were evil, is not the way to propagate your ideas. Also, Veggie Tales are secretly gay subversive.
Like you.