Heavy is the Head That Wears the Crown: the 2011 Oscars, Sort of

8:03 James Franco is doing an interview in the Green Room, and he's got this look on his face like he just realized that he has bitten off more than he can chew. Like, all this publicity and weirdness and now hosting this show has just landed on him like a big old freight train of despairing nervousness. He doesn't even say anything odd. He's totally caught. Everyone is going to see him for the fraud he is, you can see it in his eyes.

Now Tim Gunn is talking to Justin Timberlake, who just outed the red carpet for being fuschia and is obviously on drugs. The Social Network was great by the way, and Justin is who I want to hang out with when I'm dead, naked. Tim is way more excited than Justin.

I forgot how cute Nicole Kidman is when she talks, with her little accent. But christ I hate Keith for using the word eclectic. Really, the minute you use the word eclectic, I want to walk away from you and forget your existence. Also, her Dior gown makes me want to write a screen play for an aging She Ra, who has to adjust to life as a past prime defender of the universe, and cast her in it.

Why are we letting Gwenyth Paltrow get this far? Seriously? Though I really do want to see her do a duet with Jay Z. I want them to cover Islands in the Stream.

Does Christian Bale really have that accent, or is he faking it for some reason? It really takes away some of my desire to lick him.

8:22pm Seriously, we needed an inset countdown to the Oscars on the screen? Also, Halle Berry? I can think of several better places you could be to honor Lena Horne. SEVERAL.

8:31pm I totally wasn't paying attention and this intro started, and I thought it was actually a trailer for another completely different upcoming film, I was all like, who has the audacity to buy an ad for their movie during the Oscars? But no, just an intro. A really really good intro. The music montage. Not this awful host introduction.

Ann's dress is all sorts of awesome though. Like a tiara exploded on her waist. Now they are introducing their mom and grandmom. Which is cute.

I feel like being a set designer for the Oscars is like, the biggest thing ever, for set designers.
And who's going to see Gone with the Wind with me at the Capitol? I fucking love that movie. But I may never forgive Tom Hanks for reminding me Titanic the movie exists. I had almost managed to forget it completely. It was a better time, 2 minutes ago, I had a better life.

I really have to see True Grit. It's awfully dumb I haven't yet.


8:51pm Do you see that lighting effect they are doing behind Kirk Douglas's grandfather? Where you have those really oversized light reflections? I want that on my walls all the time.

Remind me to watch Animal Kingdom.

8:58pm Melissa Leo is genuinely overwhelmed. Oh geez, man, this shit gets me every time. She's going to watch that tape back and realize she just flirted with Kirk Douglas's mummy. And swore in front of national television. But mostly hit on a mummy. Looking at her cast mates' faces, it seems like maybe they didn't like her all that much, like maybe she's this dramatic when she's ordering a coffee too, and they are just about done with this shit.

Yes Anne, that is exactly the sound I make when I say Timberlake's name too. And the sound I'm making now. Oh Southland Tales, Oh Justin.
They should have had Justin and Mila host the Oscars. Then Justin and Mila should be sent into space to populate some distant planet with their offspring.

9:07pm I bet Pixar is in fact the best place on the planet period. Like, you probably walk in the door and they feed you cocaine cotton candy and monkeys rub your head all the time, and unicorns walk around with donuts on their horns.

Seriously Sorkin, you are going to name drop during your acceptance speech? I bet you're just a blast at parties, aren't you? I do like how he's just ignoring the music.

9:19pm This writer guy who won for screenplay is awesome and I want to live next to him and shovel his driveway for him, and then sit in his living room smoking weed and listening to all his stories about being broke. Maybe I should start drinking in bars next to retirement homes in Hollywood. That doesn't really strike me as a bad life direction.

Is Anne going to sing? Her shoes are amazing. I bet anyone would sound good in those shoes. She's like an actual live Disney princess. With magic shoes. That her fairy drag queen gave her.
Oh, speaking of drag queens..."she's a dame, he recently married one" is like, the best line so far.

I wish Russell Brand would cut his hair and get a divorce, and disappear into...

OH I WANTED TO SEE DOGTOOTH. No one would go with me when it came here, because you all suck. SEE maybe you'll believe me now that it looks awesome.

It must be weird to be a foreign actor and win an Oscar. I wonder how the rest of the world sees that.

I take it back. I don't think it's the accent that's killing Christian Bale for me, I think it's the beard. It doesn't look good on him. I did see a really good beard on Thursday night, and then the same guy again on Saturday, and I even went up to him and told him we had been admiring his beard. He appreciated it.

Oh, and it turns out the answer to who has the audacity to run a trailer for their movie during the Oscars is Spielberg. Big surprise.

9:40pm
The Social Network score should totally win.
And look! They did. It's nice when sometimes tv admits I'm right.
I wish I knew more geniuses. I know some, I'm pretty sure, but more would fun. I wonder how you go about tracking down geniuses.

Scarlett Johansson looks like she ordered her dress from a Victoria's Secret catalog.

9:50 Man, I had almost managed to wipe Burton's Alice from my head as well, and now these fuckers are just going to remind me. Fuck you Costume Design.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH GO AWAY CELINE DION GO AWAY! Goddamnit. The Oscars is SCREWING me.



That young girl engineer in that pan shot of the nerds is my hero.
Cate Blanchett is also sort of my hero. And I love that every time she goes anywhere they play the Lord of the Rings music. She's wearing a dress made of bubble tea.

What was Barney's Version? That goes on the list too. Maybe. I'm always up in the air about that guy. But I like the word Version a lot.

Also on the list? I Am Love and The Tempest. Man, I really didn't see any movies this year, what happened?

I always really like the Movie Song category. It's how I found Triplets of Belleville. And thank god for that, right? I mean, Marty would have shown it to me eventually anyway, but still.
8 Mile is also my favorite movie song too, Random Dude.
Oh jesus, Obama, really? REALLY?



Really?



Kevin Spacey should be married to me.

I feel like no Hollywood experience is complete without Mandy Moore.
WAIT WHAT? HE was the other voice in Tangles? CHUCK?
That's Chuck.
Singing with Mandy Moore.
The world is so very strange. So very very very weird. It's like we're all just randomly colliding into nonconsecutive pockets of alternate universes.
I do always get him mixed up with the guy from Scrubs.

List: God of Love

10:20 The Oscars enlisted Prozzac to write a musical montage. Okay.

10:22 Oprah is coming on the Oscars to announce her galactic space fleet is ready to launch, and that all world leaders are ordered to report to her secret Artic fortress immediately for reassignment.

10:30 Is Billy Crystal really such a big deal that everyone has to give him a standing ovation? I mean, I like him too. But he's not dead or recovering from cancer or something. Or is he? Is Billy Crystal dead?

Did Bob Hope die and I just forgot?

10:33 I don't usually say shit like this, but Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law together is about as hot as it gets.
Unless it's just Clive Owen. Alone. In a suit. Angry.
Hey, someone who knows these things, tell me why I love Jude's accent but hate Christian Bale's? Am I some sort of London accent snob?


This show is never going to end.


Also I'm really not into Florence and the Machine.

10:46pm Gwenyth Paltrow is finally going through with the live performance that everyone has been talking about for a fucking year, so I guess I should be glad it's over, but jesus, that girl needs to stop. Someone needs to tell her to stop. This is the worst performance. No really, it's bad. It's a bad song. She can't sing. She looks tired. That was terrible.

Jennifer Hudson also looks like she can't quite catch her breath.

Randy Newman is like...a county sheriff.

me: so I just googled Randy Newman and apparently he's like a born again and speaks out against gay marriage

which is funny, cause I was googling to see if he was gay

Sarah: hm i thought he was gay

me: right? NO

but you know, probably

Sarah: oh yeah

those types always are

and by "those types" i mean people who irrationally hate gay marriage

not composers

Edit: I looked it up again today, and maybe it's another Randy Newman in fact, some Christian author. So, sorry original Randy Newman. But I still don't like your music.

10:56pm Fuckin Celine Dion.
The List of People I Probably Read About At The Time But Have Since Completely Forgotten Died This Year: Tony Curtis SALLY MENKE (when did that happen? What?) Leslie Nielsen Pete Lynn Redgrave Anne Francis Dennis Hopper and Lena Horne.

It turns out that after having to see it several times, I heavily resent JP Morgan Chase for using that Cat Stevens song in their horrible evil commercial.

11:09pm The Kings Speech Director just won for best acceptance speech of the night.

Man, I thought for a moment that Francis Ford Coppola died! That's what I get for not paying attention.

I think James Franco wants to kill Anne Hathaway. Kill her a lot.

Best Actress: Natalie. Alright, we all knew that right? I can't bring myself to see that film because Jere said there was "nail" stuff in it, and nails are like the back of the knees to me, it's the worst.
Natalie Portman has had a manager for 18 years. Geez.

Best Actor: Javier Bardem. How could anyone who woke up every day to Javier Bardem's face not be incredibly happy? But he didn't win. Colin Firth did.
I wonder what it's like if you're dating a movie star, and they win, and then in the acceptance speech they thank you, but they call you their "friend"?

On the Waterfront. I wanna watch that right now.

The montages this year have been particularly engaging for me.

Best Picture: The movie I haven't seen yet.

I'm done. I may in fact be a completely different person from this moment on, and not in the best way. Goodnight. Someone send me the video of Michelle Williams later.