Oh Rapturous Day!

This is how well Jeremiah knows me. He knows that if the world doesn't end today, if things don't boil and bubble and break into small unrepairable pieces and there are no dragons waking up from the bowels of the earth or giant spaceships or glowing magical women with swords, I'm secretly going to be a little disappointed. How many of the rest of you know that about me? How many of you saw that? No really, who knew? I need to know who you are so I can kill you.

Jere would give you a run down on the historical significance of raptures. History, though I love it, isn't my thing. My thing is thinking about how the presence of this history in our daily lives affects the immediate moment. What it is now. How we feel about it now. I'm lazy and time is arbitrary.


Tara understands the importance of water. When I tell her all the cities on my short list to move to are there because of their large bodies of water, and that the rivers in Pittsburgh frankly don't cut it, she understands exactly why. Lake people, that's what we are. We like the caves and the hills and the deserts, but in our eyes, there's Lake water. In my eyes, it overflows. Unless there is a Lake around, I don't really feel safe. Like, when the end of the world comes, I want access to most fresh drinking water. And to not be anywhere near tsunamis from the asteroid crashing into the ocean floor.


Once again, I turn to the internet to be amazed at humanity, because it shows me that we are so bored as a species that a) we still come up with Raptures, and b) when some crazy preacher guy organizes some buses to drive through downtowns with flashy crazy cellphone photo worthy advertising, and tells us all the Rapture is coming, we seize upon the opportunity immediately to have a new kind of party. That's the history of humanity - Where the fuck is the new party? What is my excuse for getting drunk now? I love you humanity. I'm in it for the long haul with you. But also I long for your destruction just to see.


When you say Rapture seventeen times fast, you sound like you are hissing, or whistling, or talking about your jail time.

Why do we identify the most with velociraptors? Similarity of the words aside, since that's the trend this minute Rapture = Raptor, I think we wish we didn't come from dirty clumsy jack off monkeys, but from sleek unbeatable lizard birds. Velociraptors are our aspirational ancestry.

Oh the people come and go, like water in and out of your cavernous Lake eyes. They are there for a minute, they seem oh so important for a month, a year, a week, a day. But the thing that lasts is the Lake and the Train and the Green. Growing old means not caring anymore when someone's time is up, because frankly you're more into inanimate objects these days, things bigger than you, and beyond that, older you starts to see what would happen if you were completely alone. No, not just single, but completely alone. Like, never to speak with another human being again. You start to see what that would mean to you as an individual, no longer theory but an actual thing that might happen if you run away to the mountains or the Lake islands, which becomes a stronger possibility with every work day. It means recognizing how very separate your life is, how it keeps going no matter what, whether happily or unhappily.


Dear Rapture: If you really wanted to punish the wicked, you would take away everything in the world except us. You would leave an empty black void filled with nothing but people. No need to eat or drink, no bodily functions to relieve. Just us. And we would have to look at ourselves for eternity, with no sun or moon or water or wind or dogs or skyscrapers or bridges or spaceships or printed words to keep us sane. Just other people, the only things left out of all of creation. We would talk and fuck and fight at first, though probably we would just text. Eventually though, we would all fall silent and still, standing there shoulder to shoulder with other humans, quiet, forever. We would forget the way the world used to look like, and maybe lose our eyesight and hearing and taste because there would be nothing to use them on except the faces and shadows of necks and elbows we already spent a century memorizing. A factory of humans in hibernation mode, functioning but dead. Returned defective and left in storage.


There will be karaoke tonight, I think surviving the manufactured apocalypse pairs well with karaoke, and I'm drinking with some guy I don't know at all who's like 7 years younger than me, and I'm wearing the sequins, and I'm forcing my friend to do something she's highly uncomfortable with just because I like to do that to people. And I wake up every day wishing to be rescued, but I can't pin down what I want rescuing from. I just want to be lifted up and taken away into something new. I don't sleep anymore, I nervously twiddle my thumbs and toes, waiting for the next thing to happen. I rush towards any breath of fresh air. I use it all up and then wait in the asphyxiation for the next new thing. And new, anything everything new, is rapturous because of the hope it provides, that there may keep being new things forever if I keep trying.

Some fucking pictures of some fucking ice

My mother hates when I use the word fuck. Sorry Mom.



One of the things that can happen to you in a medium sized city is that you see the same people over and over again. Some people are quality, some are not. That's not what I'm going to talk about. That's just a fact in any community. That's just a fact about people.



And you begin to see that everyone new you meet also know the same people.



And when people start to begin to know you, you feel self conscious, and start to try to be a better person in the eyes of the world. And maybe you feel like you should be smarter, or wittier, or more charming. That totally happens, no matter who you are or how confident you are. It's the disease of being too social. You are supposed to fight it, especially girls my age, because we were raised with the constant cry of "be yourself". When our mothers were our age, and still remembered the sunrise of feminism. I don't know, obviously not every girl had that. But I think most of my friends' mothers. So we know how we are supposed to be, but sometimes we don't even realize the infection is in us until there are visible symptoms. The stress of trying too hard takes a little bit of time to show itself.



The point, I guess, is this. This week we had an ice storm and honestly, this is one of my favorite parts of winter, when the ice hits. I went out and took a bunch of photos the first day, because seriously, it's awesome. But then this guy I follow on twitter said something like "oh hey, I can't wait to see everyone's pictures of ice #sarcasm" and I actually felt bad. I was like, oh, I'm one of those people *sad face*.



And that's exactly the opposite of the reaction I should have had, which should have been to immediately post as many goddamn pictures of the ice as I wanted.

Exile in Snowsville

So everyone has been in an uproar over this Forbes article that claims Cleveland has the worst winters in the country. They should have kept their mouths closed, because they pissed off the Lake Monster, and now it's snow snow snowing. I'm all snug and cozy in my house, so no complaints, except that I have to do laundry yet have no motivation to leave the house to do this. Yay no underwear days.

A text exchange with the Boy yesterday:

B: Snowpocalypse! Snowapalooza. Snowmageddon. nightmare in snowsville.
S: World War Snow
B: Snow of the worlds
S: Saving Private Snow
B: The Snow Also Rises
S: Snow on 34th St. Dances with Snow. Snow White and the Snow
B: The Seven Snows, duh.
B: War and Snow
S: Aqua Teen Hunger Snow
S: The Grinch that stole Snow
B: I think we're done
S: No!
S: What about "A Few Good Snowmen"


I watched so much TV last night, I kinda don't want to watch anymore ever. At least till next Tuesday. It was one of those locked down marathon sessions, where you catch up on all your DVR stuff, then there's LOST, and more DVR stuff. At the end of the night, I think I was convinced that Nathan Fillion was an international spy sent to kill zombie Iraqis, who recently found out he was the father of a blonde Abercrombie & Fitch model. A model who's dating Mac from Always Sunny.

Speaking of Life, Unexpected (I hate that comma so goddamn much. I don't even think there IS a comma there, but it sounds like there's a comma there, so I put a comma and curse my life every time.) Anyway, speaking of, I got stuck before bed last night trying to predict every single episode summary they will have on that show. I feel like if maybe I put them all down here, and then they all come true, someone at CW will note my prescience and hire me. So here we go:

Probable Upcoming Episodes for Life, Unexpected:

1) Parent teacher conferences. Baze (the irresponsible Dad/bar owner) does something irresponsible, which leads Kate (the uptight and self-righteous mother) to believe he won't show up. But then he does. And the teacher, witnessing their inability to get along, tells them all of Lux's problems are their fault. Which is true. Then they both gang up on the teacher, and feel better about themselves. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

2) Ryan (Kate's fiancee) finds out Kate and Baze slept together the one night they were broken up. He threatens to leave. Kate appeals to his pity for her (I can't be a single mom, blah blah blah) and he stays. Baze is depressed about this, since he figures out he loves Kate. He drinks some more. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

3) Ryan and Kate, being recently outed as a couple in their professional careers, have to discuss their upcoming nuptials on their radio show, which leads to Kate having some cold feet. So she makes out with Baze. Ryan leaves her. Everyone is happy his completely unnecessary character is gone. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

4) Lux makes some new misfit friends at her ultra preppy high school, and then her old preppy friends who hated her now hate her more and she becomes the target of some really lame jokes. She is miserable, and wishes she was back on the streets with her heroin dealer boyfriend Bug. Then she runs away for a night to Bug's apartment, and Kate flips out, and they have a discussion about boundaries. Bug once again tries to convince her to run away with him to Tijuana to start that pony show they always talked about. She says she can't leave with him, even though it will mean two holes in her heart (she had heart surgery as a kid). Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

5) Since Bug and Lux are on the outs, totally predictable because now she's all rich and fancy, Lux meets a new preppy boy at school, and totally crushes on him. Bug finds out and beats New Guys face into a bloody pulp by the bicycle racks. Lux tells Bug to run, and doesn't turn him into the cops, but is forever known as Bloody Mary at school. She cries in her room all the time and won't eat. Kate gets a large pitbull/boxer mix for protection. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

6) Lux's paternal grandfather takes her out to lunch, to get to know her. They discuss his true feelings about his son Baze, which are basically a combination of homophobia and disappointment. Lux bonds with her grandfather over these mutual feelings, and Baze gets very unhappy about this. Then Kate's mom wants in on the action, but no one pays attention to her, cause she's an alcoholic, which is secretly why Kate gave up Lux in the first place. Lux gets really sick with another hole in heart, and goes to the hospital for emergency surgery, which makes everyone realize they love her and should put up with all the other bullshit in order to make her life better. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

7)Lux's grandfather takes her on a camping trip, because she's probably never seen a fish, even though she lives in Seattle. But actually he's testing her reflexes and cognitive abilities, because as it turns out, he had a daughter that died at her age, and then he created an avatar of her and planted that in a giant robot body. Which is why no one wanted her when she was little. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else. Also robots.

8) Lux somehow managed to skip three grades of high school, and has to pick a college. Kate gets all freaked out that she'll leave them, which Lux would do, only she's bound by the poison her grandfather has been administering her every day and has to get the antidote from him every week or she'll die. So she stays local, and gets an apartment with one of her misfit friends. Then Bug shows up and tries to get some crack money from her. When she won't let him in, he rapes her roommate and then gets the blame placed on Baze. Who it turns out has a record. He beats the crap out of Kate's alcoholic mother, and holds a hasty wedding with Kate before running for the border. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.


See? They should just give this show to me now.

Invading the Wasteland: The Hugo Boss building

This is what I've been affectionately calling the Read More building. When I was a little girl, this used to be the Hugo Boss factory. We would drive past on the way home from church or school, and I wanted to live there. That is until anything resembling industry fled the Near West Side for Brookpark. Afterwards, some development company was trying to make condos out of it, and you can see how that turned out by the state of their torn apart by jackals sign. For years now it's been sitting empty, windows cracked out and graffiti growing faster than mold. This is where those people you see begging for change on the 41st/44th St exits probably live. I am a little jealous. No, I know, it's sad. But still, maybe just a little....

So J and I took a trip. I've tried to provide a taste of our experience here. Just go roll around in the dirt and get drunk on mojitos beforehand, for the full experience. And later, bite yourself in several small spots, to simulate the invisible insect bites you will not remember getting later.

Below is the first spot I wanted to try breaking in. Thank god J. promptly wisely patiently nixed that idea, because even if we hadn't disturbed some poor drunken psychotic, we would have entered in the basement. You'll see why that would have been a immensely horrible idea later.


So we walked around the sunny, very non-threatening outside until we found a nice hole in the wall that someone had very thoughtfully punched through. Which made it technically not breaking and entering, just entering.

At first, we were in a staircase, and every doorway was sunny and well decorated. Well decorated in lot of things designed to make us scared. Fuck that shit. I can draw on walls too, and also? I can spell.

Where we entered was actually the 2nd floor, which was nice sunny warehouse. See people used to have jobs here. Jobs that involved strange suspicious wires hanging from the ceiling. Ostensibly for garment bags maybe? Maybe. It's strange to think this building has only been abandoned for what? 20 years?


3rd floor: slightly darker, but still open. This would be the drug use with friends/raping dates room. This is where Jenny McKinney cut her boyfriend's older brother when he tried to take off her shirt, even though he'd already paid for it.

Then the 4th floor, which I dubbed the happy plant growing, gang initiating, campfires, slightly soggy floor room. I like the blue. It makes it seem like there should be community center dance-offs here. Only they would fall through the floor.

Finally the roof. Obviously the site of a violent standoff between the forces of good and evil.

I'm not sure if the skull means evil won or lost.

J. suggested we go down the staircase on the other side of the building. The one covered with ivy. Which meant it was much darker. Definitely the ambush staircase.

Which took us down to the actual first floor. The Abestos Floor. Where people go to hide.

And...the basement.
This is one area J had to take me by the hand and lead me in like a fucking mute sacrifice. The floor was pitted with canals, and pipes and large completely brilliantly black alleyways between gigantic machinery. I'm not sure if flashlights would have made this more or less scary. But it was mechanical monster cool. Maybe the dye works? Probably just the furnace.

That may or may not be a dead dog in the corner, or a plastic bag. It was hard to tell since all this light was coming from the camera flash. I don't know, sort of looks like some species of giant black beetle, doesn't it?

Here is J giving himself tetanus by climbing a rusty ladder to the rusty trap door that was filled with flesh eating spiders or murderous mutant rats, or treasure. I could not get a clear shot because I could hear the zombie dogs coming. I am not sure if he is giving himself a victory shout or maybe trying to shake a spider off his sleeve before it implants eggs in his forearm.

And thankfully gratefully, a little regretfully we made it back out to the now very welcoming, sunny, beautiful, childlike stairway. Even the PBR cans took on a new shade of innocence. The shotgun shell J picked up to give me as a souvenir seemed like a lucky penny, or at least a powerful potential totem object/cat toy/ evidence.



Lots more harrowing tales can be found here. Or just more pictures of things that may or may not be dead. That is a metaphor.