Saturday, October 30, 2010

Friday's Questions Totally Overslept Today


This is not a question. Also its misspelled. Also it's not a question.

If there was a meteor ready to obliterate the planet, Chicxulub style, in about one week, what would you do with your remaining seven days?

I would just start driving, and I would probably head West, since the border would be chaos. So I would head towards Yellowstone, or really anywhere in Wyoming. And I would pick up people and convince them to come with me, or some random guy to come with so at least I could have a lot of sex while thinking about death and destruction. And once I got to a mountain top, somewhere beautiful and high, I would stay there and drink, get fucked up, wait, talk about waiting, think about waiting. And then we would die. Cause we were going to die anyway.

Oh, OR I would drive to the ocean. But only if it was going to land in the Atlantic, because I don't think I would make it to the Pacific in time. I mean, this question really depends on where the thing is going to crash. Cause I don't want to be boiled to death. I would so much rather suffocate. I think. I don't know, that's a tough one.

What is the best way to disengage a silicone marital aid from a thick mass of long human hair?

How tangled are we talking? I think just running it under the shower should do the trick, unless it's all up in the mechanisms. I am of course assuming the hair is still attached to someone's skull, because if not? Ew gross shut up.

Why do they call them marital aids still? That's like naming your puppy Ethel. Which has it's charm, but really.

Shit, now I've just gone and named my future dog Ethel. And it was totally going to be Oliver. Cause Oliver is the most popular name right now for kids, so I think it would be great to have a dog with the same name as most of the 4 yr olds on the block.

Who is the best urbex photographer in Cleveland?

This is tough, and I'm not going to answer it, because I think it's hard to pick one you like most when you talk to them. What if someone gets offended and won't share locations with me? Although it's a stupid thing to get offended by, cause basically you're admitting you think you are the best, which is obnoxious. No one should be caught doing that.

I mean, I like mine the best, is all. But that's cause they're both pretty and sentimental to me.

If I said "DS is the best in the business," what would you say?

P.S. We got dicks like Jesus

What is the best Mickey Avalon song?

I mean, obviously Stickey Mickey, because, hello, Ke$ha.

Have you ever done cocaine with David Blaine?

Look, it's not like I know every lyric. But the fact that you, in your blue collared shirt and nice shoes, know all these lyrics is fucking great. I think. I'm actually not sure.

Have you ever fucked a falcon?

No. And thanks ever so much for showing me these lyrics. That was fantastic. I hope you get roofied tonight.

No, no I don't. I take it back. I hope nobody gets roofied tonight, anywhere.

I like this girl but she died a long time ago. What should I do?

You should probably spend all your available time at her grave site, to show your loyalty and love.Don't talk to or even look at other girls, cause that would be cheating. And when the nights get really cold and lonely, maybe you should dig up her dead body and cuddle with it, watch a movie, go on a road trip. No one's judging you. It's Halloween. Also, this is America.

And if you're serious, then I'm really sorry, but there's probably nothing you can do except change your attitude about death.

Who slit the sheet?

I did, I'm sorry. It's really cold.

Summer or winter? (None of that preferable fall or spring, please.)

Yeah well, Fall and Spring are my favorite seasons, so fuck off. They are the best ones.
Whatever, fine. Summer. Just cause I like being able to drive without fearing for my life.
But I also really like wearing sweaters. And icicles. And summer is always when I get into fucked up shit, whereas winter is generally cool for me, socially speaking. Oh, and I really love hot cider and fires and hot tubs and how it gets really quiet.

I guess the answer is as long as everything is pretty stable in my heart, then I like all the seasons, cause what's not to like? I'm pretty happy when I'm not miserable.

Summer wins. I really hate driving in the fucking cold. Oh god, that shit is coming.

Ask Me Anything


  1. "I'm pretty happy when I'm not miserable."


  2. I think from now on if someone asks "have any questions?" I'll respond with. "Sammiches."


  3. I don't like to talk about the winter that is fast approaching. I smell it. Then again, I just roasted brussels sprouts so maybe that's what that smell is.

  4. Question:Sammitch got me thinking...

    Hamburg? or Hamburger?

  5. Hamburg the city. Of course.

    PS I only learned to not hate brussel sprouts this year, and I still don't like them very much. Except when toasted with bacon. At which point, I might as well just eat bacon.


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