Friday's Questions Totally Overslept Today

Sammitches.

This is not a question. Also its misspelled. Also it's not a question.



If there was a meteor ready to obliterate the planet, Chicxulub style, in about one week, what would you do with your remaining seven days?

I would just start driving, and I would probably head West, since the border would be chaos. So I would head towards Yellowstone, or really anywhere in Wyoming. And I would pick up people and convince them to come with me, or some random guy to come with so at least I could have a lot of sex while thinking about death and destruction. And once I got to a mountain top, somewhere beautiful and high, I would stay there and drink, get fucked up, wait, talk about waiting, think about waiting. And then we would die. Cause we were going to die anyway.

Oh, OR I would drive to the ocean. But only if it was going to land in the Atlantic, because I don't think I would make it to the Pacific in time. I mean, this question really depends on where the thing is going to crash. Cause I don't want to be boiled to death. I would so much rather suffocate. I think. I don't know, that's a tough one.



What is the best way to disengage a silicone marital aid from a thick mass of long human hair?

How tangled are we talking? I think just running it under the shower should do the trick, unless it's all up in the mechanisms. I am of course assuming the hair is still attached to someone's skull, because if not? Ew gross shut up.

Why do they call them marital aids still? That's like naming your puppy Ethel. Which has it's charm, but really.

Shit, now I've just gone and named my future dog Ethel. And it was totally going to be Oliver. Cause Oliver is the most popular name right now for kids, so I think it would be great to have a dog with the same name as most of the 4 yr olds on the block.



Who is the best urbex photographer in Cleveland?

This is tough, and I'm not going to answer it, because I think it's hard to pick one you like most when you talk to them. What if someone gets offended and won't share locations with me? Although it's a stupid thing to get offended by, cause basically you're admitting you think you are the best, which is obnoxious. No one should be caught doing that.

I mean, I like mine the best, is all. But that's cause they're both pretty and sentimental to me.



If I said "DS is the best in the business," what would you say?

P.S. We got dicks like Jesus

What is the best Mickey Avalon song?

I mean, obviously Stickey Mickey, because, hello, Ke$ha.

Have you ever done cocaine with David Blaine?

Look, it's not like I know every lyric. But the fact that you, in your blue collared shirt and nice shoes, know all these lyrics is fucking great. I think. I'm actually not sure.

Have you ever fucked a falcon?

No. And thanks ever so much for showing me these lyrics. That was fantastic. I hope you get roofied tonight.

No, no I don't. I take it back. I hope nobody gets roofied tonight, anywhere.





I like this girl but she died a long time ago. What should I do?

You should probably spend all your available time at her grave site, to show your loyalty and love.Don't talk to or even look at other girls, cause that would be cheating. And when the nights get really cold and lonely, maybe you should dig up her dead body and cuddle with it, watch a movie, go on a road trip. No one's judging you. It's Halloween. Also, this is America.

And if you're serious, then I'm really sorry, but there's probably nothing you can do except change your attitude about death.



Who slit the sheet?

I did, I'm sorry. It's really cold.



Summer or winter? (None of that preferable fall or spring, please.)

Yeah well, Fall and Spring are my favorite seasons, so fuck off. They are the best ones.
Whatever, fine. Summer. Just cause I like being able to drive without fearing for my life.
But I also really like wearing sweaters. And icicles. And summer is always when I get into fucked up shit, whereas winter is generally cool for me, socially speaking. Oh, and I really love hot cider and fires and hot tubs and how it gets really quiet.

I guess the answer is as long as everything is pretty stable in my heart, then I like all the seasons, cause what's not to like? I'm pretty happy when I'm not miserable.

Summer wins. I really hate driving in the fucking cold. Oh god, that shit is coming.

Ask Me Anything

It's All In Code at the Apple Farm

Please Press Play First. Do It. I'll be mad at you if you don't because you have no idea how long it took me to figure out how to embed this.



Looks Like: a picture of pumpkins for sale
Hidden Message: You are a jerk for not carving pumpkins with your parents still, even though you are over 30 and your parents may say that they are glad to not have all the mess anymore, or the danger of Daddy cutting himself, or having to clean up the porch after the neighborhood kids smash the damn thing, because really they are longing for you to sit at their counter drinking cider and bitching about how hard it is to cut the teeth. Also, you're not even carving pumpkins with your friends? What kind of person are you? (answer, the type of person who doesn't like cleaning up squash)


Looks Like: weird gourds
Hidden Message: Playing with Barbie brainwashed you into thinking everything thin and white is pretty. No, not really. Actually, there's a lesson about how every gourd is pretty even if they don't fit in with the other warty gourds. Or its about how ugly misshapen things are all beautiful when you ask money for them. Or it's about Mandelbrot's infinite coastline. No, I'm sticking with the first one.

Looks Like: a kid climbing on some hay
Hidden Message: God, do you know how hard it is to take pictures at something like an apple farm, without it looking like you are taking pictures of other people's kids, especially with a point and click? Thank god I am a woman, cause this would be ten times creepier if I was a man.

PS I totally just noticed that cloud looks like a skull. Which means that kid is probably a Death Eater, right?

Looks Like: an orchard in the sun
Hidden Message: There is no such thing as a bad picture of an orchard in the Fall, or frankly, any other time of the year. Trees in rows are awesome. There is however something known as the Orchard Money Shot. If you are riding on a tractor, it is a little hard to get, but just like the brave polar bear will wait on the ice for days to get that damn seal when it comes up to breathe, you can get the money shot. You just need to take about 100 pictures of trees. I would like to see an olive grove some day. There is a girl somewhere out there who lives by olive groves and is thinking the same thing about an apple orchard. There should be an exchange program for this. We could get the Orange girls and Banana girls in on it too.

Looks Like: a cornfield
Hidden Message: We don't get enough chances in our life to jump out and scare someone. I need to work on that.

Looks Like: more corn
Hidden Message: Get a box of cornflakes, and take out a few flakes in the palm of your hand. Look at them. Then look at the picture. Then the flakes again. THIS IS HOW THE WORLD WORKS.

Looks Like: A field of dying sunflowers
Hidden Message: Did you know dead sunflower paddles can be used to kill a man? Or at least knock him unconscious, those motherfuckers are solid. Also, you should really learn to go to the apple farm earlier in the year, so you can see them when they are pretty, instead of dead and looking very much like a field of people up for execution. I mean, it's still pretty, but in a way that requires you to feel mean for taking pictures of them.

Looks Like: fall foliage
Hidden Message: Dude, trees are like the most honest things ever.

Looks Like: a guy on a tractor
Hidden Message: use this as a litmus test. Anyone you meet who doesn't want to be this guy for at least five minutes is an asshole.