Friday, April 30, 2010

The Only Post You Will Need to Get Thru The Weekend

Coffee or tea?

Tea is for people who don't care to feel alive anymore. Sick people. Weak people. People scared of their own power. Tea is for people who don't want to run faster, think smarter, enunciate words properly, have sex before bed. You know what they grow in secret on tea plantations? Marijuana. You know what they grow in secret on coffee plantations? Cocaine.

Drinking coffee is saying to the universe daily "fine. kill me. See if that fucking stops me."

Where did the time go?

You are going to have to clarify what particular unit of time you're talking about, and in whose construct? If it's my construct, then it leaked out slowly between episodes of Bones and a new obsession with Jello salads. If it's yours, it was probably decimated by the endless hours playing Mass Effect 2 OR watching Yacht Rock videos on YouTube. You should go mow the lawn. And I should do my dishes. But we're not gonna, and that's just how it goes.

What kinds of monsters live under Lake Erie?

Let's see. Giant sturgeon. Giant catfish. Parasitic zebra mussels. Bone stripping Corn Obsessed carp. Sheephead, otherwise known as the slightly annoying unicorns of Ohio's waterways. The nasty, barely educated, sexually offensive ghosts of lots of 19th century sailors. The slightly less offensive but patently passive aggressive ghosts of draft dodgers. Aliens made of oil locked in ship holds. The secret lair of the mutant seagulls, and the steroid pumped evil blind water otter that protects their stronghold. Oh, and snakes. Lots of snakes.

What do you make of these? Octopus Chandeliers. Would you put one in your house? Which color? What room? If no, why not?

This is the best thing I have ever seen today. I want them all. In particular I want the green one, for my bedroom. So I can fall asleep every night protected by my guardian octopus, and have safe squiddliscious dreams. I want the pink one for my car.

You should get one for me just for making up the word squiddliscious, right now.

Which Winnie the Pooh character are you, and why?

I am a Heffalump. You can't catch me, I will eat all your honey, and I don't actually exist.

What do you think of obvious sorority girls who wear pink North Face jackets? Why do you judge them so much?

I don't actually judge them that much. I appreciate having a warm jacket. When I was little, my mom always bought us those Lands Ends winter coats, that were short and in bright colors. I hate them visually, but those things were fucking warm. And they lasted forever. Someday I will get old enough to not care about the kind of coat I am wearing, and buy myself one of those again. So hey, you can afford a North Face jacket? Good for you for dressing reasonably according to the weather.

The girls I judge are the ones wearing high heels in January in Cleveland. What the fuck? Is there some surgery you can get to turn off all feeling below your knees that I'm not aware of? Is your plan just to expose your skin to biting winds and freezing ice and rock salt so often, your nerve endings just die? Do your toes even work anymore?

Who is on your "blocked call" list and why?

I fucking wish I could figure out how to work a blocked call list. I don't think I even have that option, cause I have cheapie cell service. But do we seriously even have that anymore? I mean, you can see who's calling, and just not pick up?

If you were going to eat one thing for the rest of your life, and it wasn't bone marrow, what would it be?

Freezee Pops.

What's your favorite sport to play? To watch? To watch while playing another sport? To play while watching another sport? To watch sorority girls in pink North Face jackets play?

I like horse racing and bowling. Basketball is okay to watch even though I don't understand the nuances because at least it moves fast. Football is fun when I get to curse other teams out in some sort of fantasy that I belong to an actual fan base. Ann Arbors A Whore! I imagine the only sport where you see girls in pink jackets playing is skiing, and that shit is boring after the first couple runs. Why are you so obsessed with pink North Face jackets? Please tell me.

What are five things you tried and will never do again? Why?

1. White Castle burgers
2. ***censored***
3. ***censored***
4. raw deer
5. ***censored***

Ask Me Anything


  1. White Castle!? We can't be friends anymore! Jello Salads are all well and good but you somehow want to malign, publicly malign White Castle?!

    Sinner! You have a demon, and your demon is named Polowa.

    Actually I like the nonsense capcha words as a way of making up demon-names. Polowa, get out of her, let her enjoy White Castle!

  2. I think White Castle is demon meat. It certainly smells like it anyway.

  3. The Ruin

    “Well-wrought this wall: the Weirds broke it
    The stronghold burst…

    The work of giants crumbles…”
    -The Ruin
    -Anonymous Anglo-Saxon poet

    Saplings have grown
    to the size of a man’s leg,
    piercing the sun-bleached,
    checkered asphalt of the parking lot
    like spears through a breastplate.
    The morning glories have breached
    the rusting cyclone fence.
    Razor wire still flashes –
    swords abandoned in the sun –
    the garrison’s long gone.

    The furnaces have cooled
    where Vulcan forged his iron,
    his axe and tongs fallen silent
    as the blackened chimneys –
    obelisks of another epoch.
    Where the runes were tossed
    and the weirds told the hands,
    though scarred and tough,
    wrapping around their fate
    exactly what thirty years
    of a man’s life were really worth.

    ©2003 Barney F. McClelland
    From “Casual Cruelties”

  4. Are there lifetime White Castle employees do you think?

  5. Thanks for censoring those. In how many was I an offending party?

    Pierce Brosnan

  6. Luckily for me, the partners in my mishaps have been varied, and also easily forgotten.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?