Dear Internet

Dear Internet:

Here is a list of things I used to care about a lot, but can no longer stomach, because they have been incessantly pounded into my brain by you, oh neuromaniacal popularity piston you. While some crazy people might say "why don't you just stay off the internet Bridget", I say "why don't I just clean out my eye sockets with a mentholated melon baller while I'm at it". This is your fault.

1) Vaginas
2) Flowers
3) Cupcakes
4) Tsunamis
5) Children
6) Babies (not the same)
7) Cheese
8) silhouettes of birds on telephone wires
9) the US government
10) music videos
11) cats making funny faces
12) meeting new people
13) food
14) drinking
15) my friends

On the opposite side of my Digital Divide, here is a list of things I now really care about because you made me, even though I know it's morally reprehensible.

1) Gawker
2) sitemeter
3) someone defriending me on facebook
4) movie trailers
5) my hair
6) my dishware pattern
7) being entertaining
8) being not too entertaining
9) scientology
10) teabagger spelling
11) walnut oil
12) 140 character limits
13) making fun of people
14) the state of my fingernails
15) drinking things no one has ever heard of

These are not acceptable substitutions.