Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Dear Internet

Dear Internet:

Here is a list of things I used to care about a lot, but can no longer stomach, because they have been incessantly pounded into my brain by you, oh neuromaniacal popularity piston you. While some crazy people might say "why don't you just stay off the internet Bridget", I say "why don't I just clean out my eye sockets with a mentholated melon baller while I'm at it". This is your fault.

1) Vaginas
2) Flowers
3) Cupcakes
4) Tsunamis
5) Children
6) Babies (not the same)
7) Cheese
8) silhouettes of birds on telephone wires
9) the US government
10) music videos
11) cats making funny faces
12) meeting new people
13) food
14) drinking
15) my friends

On the opposite side of my Digital Divide, here is a list of things I now really care about because you made me, even though I know it's morally reprehensible.

1) Gawker
2) sitemeter
3) someone defriending me on facebook
4) movie trailers
5) my hair
6) my dishware pattern
7) being entertaining
8) being not too entertaining
9) scientology
10) teabagger spelling
11) walnut oil
12) 140 character limits
13) making fun of people
14) the state of my fingernails
15) drinking things no one has ever heard of

These are not acceptable substitutions.


  1. You love your friends and drinking. You can't fool me about this.

  2. I love no one!

    I mean, things! I love only things!

  3. I'm so sorry to hear about your broken spirit... but really, cheese is out?

  4. I mean, velveeta is cool I guess. Actually, coming tomorrow! a post about cheese!

  5. I'm here to re-invigorate your love of the vagina.

    I know, I thought that sounded weird too.

    Perhaps I'll just make you laugh.

    But really, I just wanted to comment and scream VAGINA.


  6. I'm not tired of my vagina. I'm just tired of other people's vaginas.

    Also, my vagina is not a tag wall.

  7. I would add bacon to the first list, right up there with cupcakes. Although I wouldn't say no to either right now.

  8. I see bacon as more of an uneasy equal, and therefore I can't criticize it to much. Also, I'm afraid of the bacon lobby, cause they kill things. People who make cupcakes are not killers.

  9. People who make cupcakes are not killers.

    Now who's being naive?

    I don't blame you for fearing Big Bacon. But people have to stand up. (OK, the bacon thing probably peaked last year, or even earlier, but still.)

    For a little while, Serious Eats seemed to be trying to make oatmeal into the new (online) bacon. I can't read their website since the redesign, but I hope they stopped. Oatmeal don't need that.

  10. Damn. My vagina is saddened by this news.

  11. JL - Poor oatmeal. It just wants to help.

    Elly - I'm sorry. I just...I just...I have no excuse. It's like listening to that Outkast Bombs over Baghdad song. It's an awesome song, but if you have to hear 20 times a day, you can't help but wish someone would throw them in a well.

  12. I also care more about someone defriending me on facebook more than vaginas! This bonds us on some cosmic level, no?

    Perhaps you can start a facebook page about not caring about vaginas (and/or cheese) and I can be a fan.

    Think about it.


  13. Lorraine - I will run it by the editors. I promise to cut you in on the royalties, should they appear magically.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?