Bridget Callahan is Your Best Friend

I'm doing a little experiment, called "why do girls do all this stuff?"

HaHa, whatever, experiment my ass. In fact, I'm just bored and looking to feel a little different.

So I've been going tanning, something I am patently against. Just want to see what I would look like as something other than an albino. The answer is...a burned albino. Or rather, a burned girl with albino legs. But I like the feeling of burned skin, all slick and oily with lotion. I think I like tanning just for the masochistic angle, standing there chanting "kill kill kill" to my cells while they burn away into charred little microscopic bits. And I like the way my face looks, as if I do something other than sit in front of a computer all day. It makes my lips look super pink and cute. I bought lip gloss. But not flavored lip gloss. I couldn't go that far.

Then this morning I went and got a pedicure and manicure. My toenails are dipped in blood, and I have french tips on my fingernails. I'm gonna be honest, I like the fingernails. They're shiny and smooth, and my hands no longer look like the chubby grubby baby hands they are.

All week I've been dosing my skin with regenerative creams, acne creams, bleach for dark spots. No real noticeable difference there yet, except in certain spots where I should have been doing it a while ago. But the face creams are nice. I'm obsessed with the skin on my face, I cringe at every little wrinkle that appears. I have nice skin, and nice eyes, and not much else, so you know. I honestly don't care if the rest of my body goes to pot, but my face should never change. I firmly believe I can control this. If the acids stop working, its on to the baby blood.

Finally, bleaching the teeth. A lost cause, since sitting around doing all this other stuff just makes me want to smoke more.

Conclusion: all of this costs way too much money, and I think I've got it out of my system. I should have bought weed instead.

But it was a wonderful distraction from politics, an area of my life that has reached the saturation point. I've started exhibiting the signs of an addict for whom the regular dose is no longer enough. I seek out republicans to argue with, then flirt with. I debate the debate formats. I actually read my Move On emails. I need to check myself into rehab, folks. December needs to fucking get here.