Sneaky bastards

1. I swear to god my bank is trying to fake me out. I had some overdraft charges last week, and since then they've been putting all my authorizations for things through right away, which is kinda unheard of. You know, the "gas dollar" you see waiting there all the time? It's going through like the next day. So either the processors at the bank have suddenly become Starbucks fans, or I've been entered in some database of risky customers who they are fucking with now. Like, they know if they keep trying, I'll screw up somehow and they'll get some more money out of me. For example...I have an Old Navy purchase from last week that's been pending for a while now, but all of sudden now its not there. I've been caught by this trick before. The bank tells me that when they're putting a transaction through, it gets non-pended for a day before it clears. I don't believe them, but whatever, I'll pretend I buy it. However this particular 53.00 is just not anywhere to be found, for the last three days. I don't care if I have to eat socks all weekend, I am not touching my bank account until that damn thing clears. They are not gonna trap me.

2. I've noticed that my period makes me slightly paranoid. I get all self-conscious around other people, and I see the tics I have in this whole different light, like I go from being a cool person in my head to being the weirdest awkwardest slightly mentally handicapped old lady. It's an awful combination of emotions, cause my period also makes me preternaturally sensitive to any male pheromones, so I'm socially inept and shivering like a cat in heat all at the same time. But I don't care, cause I can crave pickles and yet be completely confident I'm not pregnant. Any pain on earth is worth that glory once a month. Or in my case, every two months. It's not really painful anyway, its kinda relaxing and relieving, like a really good puke when you know you drank too much/ Messy and smelly, and the physical sensation of bleeding for days leaves me lightheaded and throbbing, like someone punched me in the gut. I think I'm the only girl on the planet who truly enjoys her period... and being punched in the gut.

3. At the beginning of summer, I was all freaked out over gas. Like I would break myself trying to fill up when I thought it was the cheapest. Now I'm passing 3.48 everywhere, and I'm not even sweating it. Cause the election ain't till November. I'd like to point out that RUSSIA invaded a neighboring country and gas went down.

4. This whole houses versus patriotic arugula thing is the funniest shit ever. Is half of the country really that much smarter than the other half? Really? Are they going to be publishing books 500 years from now that attribute our elections and resulting decimation on the synapse suppressing affects of a lethal Tylenol/corn syrup lifestyle? Wait, maybe God is entering his "satire" phase.
Sometimes lately I wonder if I'm just a secondary narrator in a book, and Condoleezza Rice is the main character, and we're trapped in the plot of an Oscar contender wannabe that's borrowing heavily from Tom Clancy and Upton Sinclair.

5. Last night's episode made me understand why Project Runway is moving to Lifetime. Oh god, wouldn't it be awful if McCain chose Condi as a running mate? Condi vs. Michelle in the tabloids. See, I believe this stuff can happen because I thought of it, so therefore someone else has thought of it too. Anyway, what the hell Project Runway, why did you not get rid of Keith? I HATE Keith. Was it just because you couldn't take Daniel anymore? I understand. It was a hard choice. Just don't fuck up next week.