Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Success Stories!

Today I successfully made blueberry coconut ice cream!

Today I successfully drove to and from work! And I didn't lock myself out of my car! Again!

Yesterday I successfully mixed hard liquor and The. O. C.!

An hour ago I successfully watched a movie where Kevin Bacon seduced Jennifer Aniston! Successfully!

Last week I successfully decoded the Satanic verses in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn!

"Those were the Rommely women: Mary, the mother, Evy, Sissy, and Katie, her daughters, and Francie, who would grow up to be a Rommely woman even though her name was Nolan. They were all slender, frail creatures with wondering eyes and soft fluttery voices."

It's all true! Mary is the despoiled virgin, Evy is Anne the poisoner, Sissy is the whore of Babylon, and Francie is the beast! Slumping towards Manhattan! Slender frail creatures who will puncture your jugular and drain your blood to feed to their captured men, to keep them comatose and silly! They steal babies from young immigrant girls and eat them! That's the whole point of the book! And Neely knows, but the curse stops him from speaking, and he can only desperately cling to the small things in his life, like spats! to keep himself from jumping off the tenement roof! Oh, and I left out Katie! Katie is Martha. Dumb dumb Martha.

Ten minutes ago I successfully made the realization that I do things in private with the constant sense that someone, somehow, is watching me and I should always be embarrassed! Like when I use the empty wine bottle as an ashtray because I'm too lazy to get the ashtray from downstairs and also there's a scene coming up where Jay Mohr doesn't make out with Jennifer Aniston, again. Or when I balance a paintbrush on my nose for ten minutes while sprawled out on the couch like a dead llama. Or when I use the same spoon for ice cream for like two weeks.

I'm a dynamo!

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