The Decision

Faced with imminent doom, or rather slow creeping trickling doom, I've come to two very solid conclusions.

1)I only require more money because I go out to see people and need money for alcohol, gas, food, ect. I spend way too much on these activities.

2)I will only ever be more financially solid if I stop going out to see people and start working on my writing seriously. Like, every night. Like a professional. Like someone who wants it.

Thus, I am henceforth resolved to not go out anymore or spend any money on anything except bills. This means you may not see me. Actually, this means you will for sure not see me unless you invite me to your house and don't expect anything from me, or you're paying. Even then I may refuse.

I am sick of being broke, and I am sick of having nothing to show creatively, and I am not going to succumb to "social responsibilities" anymore. I will refuse to feel guilty about not seeing you. I will refuse to be shamed into buying birthday present and going away presents and the ilk.

Let the record show I was this resolved on the 11th of February, 2010. For whatever use that may be in the future, when I'm sure I'll be feeling slightly less resolved. 6 months! At least!

Also let the record show that I got this entry right without a single misspelled word, which is a minor miracle because I thought for sure I got imminent wrong or succumb. See what a purifier resolve is!

Exile in Snowsville

So everyone has been in an uproar over this Forbes article that claims Cleveland has the worst winters in the country. They should have kept their mouths closed, because they pissed off the Lake Monster, and now it's snow snow snowing. I'm all snug and cozy in my house, so no complaints, except that I have to do laundry yet have no motivation to leave the house to do this. Yay no underwear days.

A text exchange with the Boy yesterday:

B: Snowpocalypse! Snowapalooza. Snowmageddon. nightmare in snowsville.
S: World War Snow
B: Snow of the worlds
S: Saving Private Snow
B: The Snow Also Rises
S: Snow on 34th St. Dances with Snow. Snow White and the Snow
B: The Seven Snows, duh.
B: War and Snow
S: Aqua Teen Hunger Snow
S: The Grinch that stole Snow
B: I think we're done
S: No!
S: What about "A Few Good Snowmen"


I watched so much TV last night, I kinda don't want to watch anymore ever. At least till next Tuesday. It was one of those locked down marathon sessions, where you catch up on all your DVR stuff, then there's LOST, and more DVR stuff. At the end of the night, I think I was convinced that Nathan Fillion was an international spy sent to kill zombie Iraqis, who recently found out he was the father of a blonde Abercrombie & Fitch model. A model who's dating Mac from Always Sunny.

Speaking of Life, Unexpected (I hate that comma so goddamn much. I don't even think there IS a comma there, but it sounds like there's a comma there, so I put a comma and curse my life every time.) Anyway, speaking of, I got stuck before bed last night trying to predict every single episode summary they will have on that show. I feel like if maybe I put them all down here, and then they all come true, someone at CW will note my prescience and hire me. So here we go:

Probable Upcoming Episodes for Life, Unexpected:

1) Parent teacher conferences. Baze (the irresponsible Dad/bar owner) does something irresponsible, which leads Kate (the uptight and self-righteous mother) to believe he won't show up. But then he does. And the teacher, witnessing their inability to get along, tells them all of Lux's problems are their fault. Which is true. Then they both gang up on the teacher, and feel better about themselves. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

2) Ryan (Kate's fiancee) finds out Kate and Baze slept together the one night they were broken up. He threatens to leave. Kate appeals to his pity for her (I can't be a single mom, blah blah blah) and he stays. Baze is depressed about this, since he figures out he loves Kate. He drinks some more. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

3) Ryan and Kate, being recently outed as a couple in their professional careers, have to discuss their upcoming nuptials on their radio show, which leads to Kate having some cold feet. So she makes out with Baze. Ryan leaves her. Everyone is happy his completely unnecessary character is gone. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

4) Lux makes some new misfit friends at her ultra preppy high school, and then her old preppy friends who hated her now hate her more and she becomes the target of some really lame jokes. She is miserable, and wishes she was back on the streets with her heroin dealer boyfriend Bug. Then she runs away for a night to Bug's apartment, and Kate flips out, and they have a discussion about boundaries. Bug once again tries to convince her to run away with him to Tijuana to start that pony show they always talked about. She says she can't leave with him, even though it will mean two holes in her heart (she had heart surgery as a kid). Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

5) Since Bug and Lux are on the outs, totally predictable because now she's all rich and fancy, Lux meets a new preppy boy at school, and totally crushes on him. Bug finds out and beats New Guys face into a bloody pulp by the bicycle racks. Lux tells Bug to run, and doesn't turn him into the cops, but is forever known as Bloody Mary at school. She cries in her room all the time and won't eat. Kate gets a large pitbull/boxer mix for protection. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

6) Lux's paternal grandfather takes her out to lunch, to get to know her. They discuss his true feelings about his son Baze, which are basically a combination of homophobia and disappointment. Lux bonds with her grandfather over these mutual feelings, and Baze gets very unhappy about this. Then Kate's mom wants in on the action, but no one pays attention to her, cause she's an alcoholic, which is secretly why Kate gave up Lux in the first place. Lux gets really sick with another hole in heart, and goes to the hospital for emergency surgery, which makes everyone realize they love her and should put up with all the other bullshit in order to make her life better. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.

7)Lux's grandfather takes her on a camping trip, because she's probably never seen a fish, even though she lives in Seattle. But actually he's testing her reflexes and cognitive abilities, because as it turns out, he had a daughter that died at her age, and then he created an avatar of her and planted that in a giant robot body. Which is why no one wanted her when she was little. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else. Also robots.

8) Lux somehow managed to skip three grades of high school, and has to pick a college. Kate gets all freaked out that she'll leave them, which Lux would do, only she's bound by the poison her grandfather has been administering her every day and has to get the antidote from him every week or she'll die. So she stays local, and gets an apartment with one of her misfit friends. Then Bug shows up and tries to get some crack money from her. When she won't let him in, he rapes her roommate and then gets the blame placed on Baze. Who it turns out has a record. He beats the crap out of Kate's alcoholic mother, and holds a hasty wedding with Kate before running for the border. Lux says some poignant adult words of wisdom which makes everyone realize foster children are smarter than everyone else.


See? They should just give this show to me now.

For Little Sister

Evidence

History makes sense of weekends.

On Saturday, we went to La Petit Triangle, my first time there. They sat us in the unfinished second half, which was a French garret, stacks of chairs and open wine bottles. We sat in the corner, drank coffee, then wine, then crepes. We sat for two hours looking out the blinds at the snow. Red wine was spilled on the tablecloth. Food trickery was railed against, toxic effects of echinacea (e china sea) and company operating systems discussed. St. Patricks stood immovable across the street, pretending to be a cathedral.

Then we went to a party. A pinata was killed, eventually, after a crisis of where to hang the condemned which almost ended in the demise of a ceiling fan. I met a group of people who taught at a Quaker boarding school, and spent their summers traveling to abandoned beaches on other continents. Early on in the evening, we smelled something burning, but couldn't find it amidst the clutter of salsa and bottles and candles. Later, I wondered how I got ash on myself. Later still, I noticed the entire side of my clutch was burnt to a crisp. Car accidents and trips to Peru were dissected. Boys tried to do flips in the living room, and several people fell down. Blinds and curtains were pulled down. One of the Quakers got yelled at to behave on the front porch. More red wine was spilled on a girl's baby blue dress. We were the first to show up, and the last to leave, the survivors slowly abandoning the wreckage to the front room, where a guy played a song on the piano and we stumbled into the snow to get ourselves home into safe clean beds. Other people may have woken up in more compromising positions that morning. I heard the sink was found torn away from the wall. We made sure to blow out the candles before leaving.

And then last night, back to civilization in the form of a living room and a baby, chili and the Superbowl. The Saints came marching in. The ads sucked. The Who proved that no one in America knows Who they are anymore, except as the maker of CSI theme songs, though it made me want to watch Tommy again. Corporate America won nothing. I went to bed tossing and turning, with a swollen ankle and too much coffee in my system, things not even a warm back against me could solve. The last thing I heard before trying to fall asleep was the History Channel telling me that nuns used to slit their noses, in order to be too unattractive to rape, hence the saying "cut off your nose to spite your face". History is a dirty thing. This morning, I met up with Jere at Starbucks, and he told me about the girl taped to the toilet, who didn't know how to chew, and would instead hold the food in her mouth until it dissolved enough to swallow. The present is a dirty thing as well.

I have watched my quota of Fox News for the year.

So last night we watched the two parts of John Stewarts interview on O'Reilly. Watching anything on Fox is something best not done alone, it's like a team sport. You have to support each other and rally the team on and occasionally dump cold drinks over each other. Also, it's particularly fun to watch anything political with someone you're newly dating, because then the actual talking about things starts. Like, do you vote in local elections? How did you feel about Kerry? Exactly how libertarian are you?

From the start, the Boy said that John Stewart always comes off looking like a loser from these sparring matches, because he looks diminutive. It's true that next to O'Reilly he looks smaller, and a little tired. But I think I only love him more for lack of sweeping gestures and spray tan. After all, Stewarts best interview skill is that he knows what he's fucking talking about, and he doesn't talk about what he doesn't know. O'Reilly kept trying to make the point that it was ridiculous for Stewart to be seen as a serious newsman, to which Stewart kept agreeing. But I think he should be taken seriously as a pundit. I like him more when he's talking seriously about a subject than when he's making Jewish jokes. He's articulate and reasonable and passionate. He always takes the high road in argument, like for instance when Beck was brought up. He could have gone off about so many apeshit things that man's done, but instead his only rebuttal was that Glenn Beck wasn't Everyman because he had a tv show. Short, sweet, dismissive and yet not insulting. O'Reilly, of course, was pretty much himself. His cameramen kept laughing the whole time, which was kind of nice. He DID look diminutive though, and kinda gray at the gills. I think the Fox News makeup artist did it on purpose, OR he wouldn't let them put makeup on him cause it might have been poisoned with narrative minded nanobots.

I wonder why Stewart did the interview in the first place. I imagine it was some sort of trade off agreement for guests that have been on his show, or maybe he just does it for himself, to have a chance to be serious.

Regardless of whether or not its a good thing, I agree Stewart is the Anchor of our generation. There's no one else I can think of who would even begin to qualify. I grew up with Gwen Ifill and Morley Safer, but I'm safely in the minority there, because I come from a weird family. And maybe the point is that within our generation, the news is so utterly ridiculous, it can't be stomached without a filter of incredulity and impotent rage. Also, the Daily Show is sort of like the accompaniment to your daily intake of internet news. You have to be prepared before you watch it, know the back stories, know the headlines, to really appreciate what they choose to comment on. So its News Cliffnotes, but also Destinos? It's not like we really get our news from the Daily Show. More like we get our fortitude to keep reading and watching news from the Daily Show.

In related thoughts, I'm trying to force myself to think of the internet differently. Specifically as not "the internet" cause I feel like I should be living in Seattle about to foreclose on my house every time I say that. It's archaic. It doesn't begin to encompass what the network actually is, and what it does for us, and what it should do for us. I really want us to recognize the extent of how much we changed in the past ten years, how all our internet growing pains resolved themselves into neater more maneageable adult neuroses. But instead it will be forgotten as people push past their iphones and kindles into the brightly lit LED future.

But seriously, fuck the term Social Media.

The Evil Sheep Man Took My Baby, and Buried It in the Permafrost

So, some cat news. Yippee.

1)We have finally consolidated litter boxes in my house. I was worried, because I had heard two cats should always have two boxes, and these particular two cats try to assassinate each other nightly. But then I observed both cats, on two separate occasions, DIVIDING UP THEIR WASTE between the boxes. Like, peeing in one, then going in the other to poop. And then going back to the first one, just to maybe pee some more, probably just seeing if there was anything to shake out. So I decided that instead of murdering my cats, which was the first impulse, I would just take one box away and they will learn to deal. Which they have, handily. They are lucky I am counting on them to dispose of my body when I die, because otherwise they are USELESS.

2) the picture below is what Nina has done to my shower curtain. And by curtain, I mean, the curtain for the window in the shower. Why are there always windows in showers in old houses? There is a whole wall without a window in my bathroom, why couldn't they have put the shower there? Now everytime I take a shower at night, I feel like my next door neighbors can see everything, even though I would only be a blurry blob thanks to the frosted glass. However that's MY blurry blob, and I don't think the lady next door needs to see it. Or wants to. Also, she now knows how often I shower and how much I hate the Earth. It's bad enough that I keep my garbage on my upstairs back porch, so the possum can't get to it. Now she thinks I'm a possum starver and a water waster. Nina's favorite game is to hide out in the shower and jump through the shower curtain to attack you when you sit down on the toilet. Or to try and climb up the shower curtain, a feat she has yet to succeed at, but I imagine her final purpose is aerial attack. Good for her. Points for determination. She is also very fond of trying to get in every kitchen cabinet I own, but exceedingly bad at it, so that really it's just her banging the damn cabinet door for an hour while I throw stuff at her from my computer.

I was terribly sick yesterday. Migraine, cold, nonstop phlegm, ect. It's because my "time" is coming up, and instead of getting cramps, I get terrible sensitivity to smells and mega-allergies and pizza face. Not to be crass, but lets just point out that being really sensitive to smells and bleeding from your nether regions do not really go together well. Hence my vendetta against our species fresh water supply. Luckily, by chance, I had an ample supply of alcohol. Does alcohol deaden allergies? Cause I feel like it does. Someone find out for me. Then keep it from me.

Buddy turned me on to these vegetable steamer packets at the grocery store, and now I'm in the habit of just eating a whole one for lunch every day. For instance, below is my lunch from yesterday. And listen, even though eating a bunch of broccoli and only broccoli, sounds super awesome healthy for you, it's not. As you can see, it's coated with processed cheese sauce. It's like Kraft box Mac and Cheese, only camouflaged. And the corn I'm going to eat today might as well be covered in movie theater butter. But it feels like I'm doing something good. That's what really counts, right?

Everything is pretty good though. It's all settled into a winter routine. Movies, and tv, and food, and bills, and stresslessness. I still itch for exploring, but no one will go with me because it's so cold (and they are all wussies), so I'm saving it all up for the first hint of Spring. It's snowing intermittently, the Boy is coming over tonight to watch a movie, and the groundhog apparently saw his shadow, so whatever, it will be Winter forever. It can't touch me. I have control over my inside crazies, I am storing them up in safe secure emotional bunkers to use as reserves when the grass starts to grow. God, I even vaccuum on a semi-regular basis now.

Now if only we could teach Carly to control her crazies, and use them for good, instead of this. Do not skip this. Watch it. All of you people who tell me you just don't pay attention to politics, because what's the use? THIS IS THE USE.

I fucking love people. You are all batshit insane.

P.S. I totally call that Halloween costume for next year.

The Internet Knows Me So Well. Almost, Too Well.

So I was bored today and looked myself up on Urban Dictionary, you know, for that incredibly simple and useless and not funny meme that was going around Facebook. A sidenote, right now I am kicking myself for not naming my cat Meme. It means I will probably name my firstborn that instead. I will tell her, your name could have been Nina, but Mommy didn't think long enough.

There was a brief moment of panic when I realized that I referenced Urban Outfitters more than Urban Dictionary in my browser bar. But then I remembered its because Urban Dictionary is a site for 13 yr olds who still think it's funny even when they don't use a last name. Hint: Last names make it funnier, guys.

So here are all 14 of the entries for Bridget from Urbandictionary.com

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1.	Bridget
	An amazingly happy, yet clumsy person, who is so nice and is always helpful to cheer up everyone else. I need a Bridget. (in example of needing the happiness) You pulled a Bridget. (in example of the clumsiness) cheerful helpful hugable happy clumsy by naturally happy drunken cow May 13, 2006 Naturally Happy Drunken Cow? I'd like to thank you for being so very very accurate.
2.	Bridget
	A woman more entrancing than the greatest laser show at a European Night Club and a woman who could make the darkest day brighter than the sun. Women who try to imitate this woman pitifully fail - mostly because its like trying to imitate the most beautiful celestial body in the universe with the personality of Princess Charming. Man, I tried to imitate Bridget today and I couldn't... wonderful beautiful gorgeous entrancing irish sun by DeClan Jackson May 9, 2006 Declan? I will go to a laser show with you anytime. Especially a European one. Where I can call myself Princess Charming.
3.	Bridget
	A shota icon, who is frequently featured in threads on image boards such as not4chan, 7chanfapped over. Due to his feminine appearance, he can cause sexual confusion for people of both genders, although tends to be a favourite of straight men. Bridget originates from the video game Guilty Gear XX, where he sought to prove his masculinity in a very short nun's habit, using a pink yoyo, and with the help of his teddy bear, Roger. and 12chan, where he can be Everyone is gay for Bridget. shota bridget yaoi guilty gear trap by Statuess Dec 1, 2006 I am a huge fan of Guilty Gear XX. And of Bridget. However, proving his masculinity is not exactly what I saw happening.
4.	bridget
	hottest girl alive. guys, you know you want her. the most beautiful, and a lovely dancer. she can act, she can sing, she is perfect all around, inside and out, but she is very down to earth and can brighten up anyones day. she is also, quite a prankster and can do many bad things without getting caught. she is amazing. bridget is very charmig and can get you do do what ever she wants through her charm has fairy-like qualities and is really good with animals. one of a kind. Wow, I cant stand it. I wish bridget liked me. but isnt she your best friend? i mean goh your so lucky! yeah but im in love with her. roses maiden pixie bella hotti by lucyhhhhhhjjjjjjjjkkkkkkkkikf See that little exchange at the bottom? That is what we call 14 yr old Think. Oh, but you're so lucky she talks to you! Yes, I know, but I'm in LURV with her, so Im actually the most pitiful worthless depressed piece of shit in the ninth grade. The good news is, I think you're in love with a Disney Princess. The bad news is, those bitches only care about bling.
5.	bridget
	One of the nicest people you will ever meet! Loved by all, unless envied because of their perfection. A Bridget is overwhelmed by friends, for they are too cool. But usually a Bridget's best friend is a Nicole, becuase of obvious reasons. A Bridget is fun, crazy, smart, pretty, and loves animals! A Bridget is the the ultimate cool! That girl just helped an old lady, what a Bridget! Damn, look at that grade, you're so a Bridget! I wish I could be cool like a Bridget! bridge bridgie bridgie bridge cakes brijotte britta by coolio girl Feb 27, 2007 I would like to add "A Bridget is the Ultimate High. Not available for shipment over borders. May cause nasal hemorrhaging" Apparently Coolio will never be forgotten.
6.	bridget
	another meaning for the hottest person in the world. wow your so hot, just like a bridget. bridget bridgid hot beautiful sexy. by totesdevo May 29, 2009 I may actually get a t-shirt of this one.
7.	Bridget
	A bitch, but a loveable and funny one. She can always brighten up your day with those funny remarks and insults. Bridget, you're so mean to him; I love it! bitch loveable funny careless nice by hahaha123iloveyou Jul 23, 2009 "God, you're such a loser." "Haha, you're so FUNNY Bridget!" "No, really, I think you are the most vapid dipshit in the history of Cuyahoga County's Lead Poisoning Program." "Oh Bridget, you're the best."

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8.	Bridget
	unique, small, outgoing, very very popular, hot, sweet, loving the most amazing girl you will ever meet, has a lot of friends that love her, long blond hair and aqua eyes. shes the california cutie. loves animals. all the guys are falling all over her. all the girls are trying to GET over her. shes the best. better then the rest. has amazing smile, eyes and personality. Kevin: OoOoh bridget straightend her hair!! Jason: And just when I thought she couldnt get any hotter Bethany: !! JASON!?!?! ARNT YOU MY BOYFRIEND!?!?! STP THIS TALK ABOUT BRIDGET! ARNT I GOOD ENOUGH!?!?! Jason: ... Kevin: ooh i better leave.. this is just what happend wth me and my ex_girlifriend clare. _________________________________________ Dear Diary, I wish i had bridgets body.. I wish i had her eyes I really like her gold hair I want to be her. sophisticated unique classy sassy beautiful by pimpdaddywanted Apr 29, 2009 This one is, for obvious reasons, my FAVORITE.
9.	Bridget
	my best friend :) the coolest the funnest the funniest the amazing-est the, overall, bestest <3 "hey look at bridget, she's awesome. so suck it" bomb izzle hehe teehee heh by lmfaoHAHAheheHAhehehe Jan 23, 2010 Even though I am blissfully unaware of any middle schoolers reading this, it's true. You can suck it.
10.	Bridget
	Someone Who Just Cant Get Anything Right. -Tosh Zombie "well slice my wrist and call me Bridget" bridget ew slut stupid not worth it by ToshZombie Jul 22, 2009 This is probably the most accurate. ToshZombie, you used to date me, didn't you?
11.	bridget
	A shota icon, who is frequently featured in threads on image boards such as not4chan, 7chanfapped over. Due to his feminine appearance, he can cause sexual confusion for people of both genders, although tends to be a favourite of straight men. Bridget originates from the video game Guilty Gear XX, where he sought to prove his masculinity in a very short nun's habit, using a pink yoyo, and with the help of his teddy bear, Roger. and 12chan, where he can be Everyone is gay for Bridget. bridget guilty gear shota yaoi trap yoyo by Statuess Nov 30, 2006 EVERYONE IS GAY FOR BRIDGET.
12.	bridget
	A character from Guilty gear that, despite his very feminine appearance and name, is male. He was raised as a girl because it was bad luck in his villiage to have two twin boys. Bridget is a common term used for any shota that features a young cross-dressing boy. Wow I found a lot of bridget on burichan. by Leonis Jun 6, 2005 I am not aware of anyplace in the world where it is bad luck to raise twin boys, and yet considered a better thing to raise one of the boys as a girl. I might go live there, if it existed anywhere except Leonis' WoW game. Also, Bridget is not also a common noun AND a plural. Or semen.
13.	Bridget
	n - someone who is retarded or foolish. Rhyming slang; derived from Brigitte Bardot / tardo. Chris and Toni are a couple of Bridgets. tardo retard tard bridgette brigitte by Shanier Jul 12, 2006 What?
14.	Bridget
	An offspring from the slang Breadrin, Or Brethrin - Means Brother or Comrade Yo Bridget, Whats up!? brother breadrin brethrin comrade friend by SteSpeak Oct 11, 2006 share this

What what?

Ryan Seacrest Dreams of the Blue Dolphins

why are emo kids so annoying? and why do they all dress alike? don't they know that non-conformity means not looking all the same? i mean, if you're going for that look, at least TRY a little, right?

First, I don't think we call kids "Emo" anymore. I mean, I admit, I still use it too. Because I am an aging bitter Cake fan. But I don't think we're supposed to. I think it dates us. Also, when I think about the music out there currently, I think Emotional Hardcore has been replaced by Stoic Plastic Nonsense. Emotions are determined by your shoe size.

But even if this trend still really does exist, in the closets of North Ridgeville and Euclid, I don't think the real issue is if they're annoying. The truth is EVERYONE IS ANNOYING. Everyone who actually thinks about non-conformity, thinks they are being a non-conformist. Nobody sits around strategizing how they can be more of a conformist. I mean, maybe a few really socially inept kids whose mothers home schooled them are doing that. And in that situation, not a bad idea. Survival is survival. But most people think they are unique and weird and wonder how anybody could really love them if only they knew the depths of depravity that erode the inner workings of their blue hole souls? Most people equal non-conformity with whatever social/artistic/musical group they ascribe to. Which is the funny part, being different because you're part of a group, no matter how small that group. It takes more of a toll to not belong to a group. And it's not as much fun on Saturday nights.

I don't think belonging to subcultures is a bad thing. We need community, ways to make friends and meet lovers, buy drugs, get free kittens, have dance parties in kitchens, define our social impacts. We need to have fun. Even fugly seventeen year olds who haven't learned the photogenic effects of black lipstick. Even they need to create memories of shame and sexual humiliation, that's what seventeen is about right?

I'm confused by the last part of your question? Logically, it should be impossible to create a "non-conformist look", right? And if you TRY to create that look, you're conforming to the 90s idea that we should all be individuals. So you fail automatically.

Leave the kids alone. The kids are alright. It's the fucking adults who can't get over it that need to be put down.

If you found yourself suddenly in possession of 10 extra cats, what would you name them?

Why do you hate me, do you think?

What nightmare scenario are you creating to torture me in your head, where I'm suddenly in a house with 12 cats?
Because it might work, I might actually want to kill myself. Or marry you, just to get the hell out of there. Are you an evil land baron? Or a wizard? Or a serial killer? It just seems like something those people might do.

This is all assuming those cats don't chew open my organs the first night I pass out drunk forgetting to feed them.

Olivia. I would name them all Olivia

What would you do if you had the chance to spend an evening with the ghost of JD Salinger?

I would hire a witch doctor to work a spell that sucks all the poison from his soul, so he could go to heaven. Then I would distill that poison into a liquid, a rarefied liquor to mix with champagne and cigarettes, and I would drink it all slowly over the course of nine months, so that in the end I might give birth to a thing, an unknown form, to keep me warm at night and give me reasons to smile in the morning, and add complexity to the taste of someone's mouth.

Masturbating out a window, funniest?

What exactly is the tier of humor we're working with here?

Is it like, what's funnier? A dog running in circles, a Miley Cyrus video, or masturbating out a window?

I don't really find masturbation all that funny, first off. Ha, get it? First off?
And windows are not inherently funny.
I think what you're missing is some set up. Who's masturbating? What kind of window are they masturbating out of? And why would you say masturbation, and not like, jacking off? Beating the weasel? Cleaning the pipes? I agree, I hate all those things. But your way sounds so medical correct. Or Catholic.

I submit for your approval: Ryan Seacrest masturbating out a moving limo window as he passes the Gucci store, remembering his childhood bedroom closet, where he sat for hours clipping ads out of his mother's magazines, vowing to escape the sprinkler wet streets of Dunwoody, to be fabulous and well clad, to smile with the intensity of 20,000 pearls farmed by 20,000 island boys in rags who dive to the bottom holding their breath for hours, like inhuman seals, creatures of life and dark shiny skin.

Ask me anything

We Are All Bullies

I appreciate animals that are selfish. Probably it makes me relate to them more as humans, and therefore as children. The dog that steals the other dogs' ball and then stalk around the yard with the ball in its mouth, daring anyone to come fight her for it? That's the dog who knows whats what.

I was faced with the eternal Sunday question of 30 yr olds everywhere yesterday. Where to go eat brunch, and also get a shitload of espresso in my weakened veins? I'm sick of brunch options in this town. Yes, I know, Taphouse, Flying Fig, Touch, Beachland, Luckys, omelets and chorizo and tater tots and skirt steak, mimosas and weak bloody marys and imported beers. I want to go back to that bar in Milwaukee with the corned beef sandwiches and Mary's with pickles and jerky, and off duty cops watching football. I want a place with hot chocolate, coffee, and croissants from that morning the size of my forearm. I want a hotel room with leftover vodka and two cigarettes left.

Saturday night and Sunday morning I played the "know someone in every place you go" game. I did my valiant best to not remember their names and blush and apologize for not remembering I was facebook friends with them, and keep the conversations short but well spoken. Ate at the Market Cafe finally, after scoping out the Sunday crowds. Took the animal to the Dog Park of Gravel, where everyone stood around in their scarfs while behind us the chemical plant belched and blanched. Then we watched the beginning of True Blood. Best opening theme song ever. Otherwise pretty much about Anna Paquin's lips. Drank my servings of vegetables in V8 Splash mixed with a dose of Russian restorative, then got sucked in District 9 and forced back to sober appreciative reality. Some movies are actually too good to be drunk for, it turns out. Woke up this morning, and the Boy and I had dreamed the same thing, the movie, all over again. Aliens that stick to your ribs, really. One eye blue, the other large and yellow. Eggs exploding. Terribleness and best emotional CGI ever, like isn't there an award for most meaningful alien encounter?

Between Alien refugee camps, Dollhouse, Caprica, Dune, and Lost tomorrow night, I'm living in a sci-fi daze. Beyonce's weird performance on the Grammy's last night did little to relieve that. Riot police and an Alanis cover? Too soon, B, too soon. Vowed to someday wear little gold booties though.