The Evil Sheep Man Took My Baby, and Buried It in the Permafrost

So, some cat news. Yippee.

1)We have finally consolidated litter boxes in my house. I was worried, because I had heard two cats should always have two boxes, and these particular two cats try to assassinate each other nightly. But then I observed both cats, on two separate occasions, DIVIDING UP THEIR WASTE between the boxes. Like, peeing in one, then going in the other to poop. And then going back to the first one, just to maybe pee some more, probably just seeing if there was anything to shake out. So I decided that instead of murdering my cats, which was the first impulse, I would just take one box away and they will learn to deal. Which they have, handily. They are lucky I am counting on them to dispose of my body when I die, because otherwise they are USELESS.

2) the picture below is what Nina has done to my shower curtain. And by curtain, I mean, the curtain for the window in the shower. Why are there always windows in showers in old houses? There is a whole wall without a window in my bathroom, why couldn't they have put the shower there? Now everytime I take a shower at night, I feel like my next door neighbors can see everything, even though I would only be a blurry blob thanks to the frosted glass. However that's MY blurry blob, and I don't think the lady next door needs to see it. Or wants to. Also, she now knows how often I shower and how much I hate the Earth. It's bad enough that I keep my garbage on my upstairs back porch, so the possum can't get to it. Now she thinks I'm a possum starver and a water waster. Nina's favorite game is to hide out in the shower and jump through the shower curtain to attack you when you sit down on the toilet. Or to try and climb up the shower curtain, a feat she has yet to succeed at, but I imagine her final purpose is aerial attack. Good for her. Points for determination. She is also very fond of trying to get in every kitchen cabinet I own, but exceedingly bad at it, so that really it's just her banging the damn cabinet door for an hour while I throw stuff at her from my computer.

I was terribly sick yesterday. Migraine, cold, nonstop phlegm, ect. It's because my "time" is coming up, and instead of getting cramps, I get terrible sensitivity to smells and mega-allergies and pizza face. Not to be crass, but lets just point out that being really sensitive to smells and bleeding from your nether regions do not really go together well. Hence my vendetta against our species fresh water supply. Luckily, by chance, I had an ample supply of alcohol. Does alcohol deaden allergies? Cause I feel like it does. Someone find out for me. Then keep it from me.

Buddy turned me on to these vegetable steamer packets at the grocery store, and now I'm in the habit of just eating a whole one for lunch every day. For instance, below is my lunch from yesterday. And listen, even though eating a bunch of broccoli and only broccoli, sounds super awesome healthy for you, it's not. As you can see, it's coated with processed cheese sauce. It's like Kraft box Mac and Cheese, only camouflaged. And the corn I'm going to eat today might as well be covered in movie theater butter. But it feels like I'm doing something good. That's what really counts, right?

Everything is pretty good though. It's all settled into a winter routine. Movies, and tv, and food, and bills, and stresslessness. I still itch for exploring, but no one will go with me because it's so cold (and they are all wussies), so I'm saving it all up for the first hint of Spring. It's snowing intermittently, the Boy is coming over tonight to watch a movie, and the groundhog apparently saw his shadow, so whatever, it will be Winter forever. It can't touch me. I have control over my inside crazies, I am storing them up in safe secure emotional bunkers to use as reserves when the grass starts to grow. God, I even vaccuum on a semi-regular basis now.

Now if only we could teach Carly to control her crazies, and use them for good, instead of this. Do not skip this. Watch it. All of you people who tell me you just don't pay attention to politics, because what's the use? THIS IS THE USE.

I fucking love people. You are all batshit insane.

P.S. I totally call that Halloween costume for next year.

Sandwiches! Honey!

So I woke up today with a horrible migraine. I don't normally get migraines (thank you whichever synapse controls that), but every once in a while they hit me and knock me over like a bag of potatoes. The pain in my head I can deal with, and the dizziness, but what really kills me are the smells. Absolutely everything smells terrible to me when I get this way, and then I start the serial vomiting. Two years ago I was in the throes of one of these, but also in training for work, and the girl next to me was chewing grape bubblegum? I ended up running out of the room like five times, before finally just leaving. I had to keep plastic bags in the car with me for the ride home. On the plus side, I am now incredibly adept at driving while throwing up, which seems like something that should come in handy at some point in my life.

I know, why am I discussing stomach nastiness in a post titled Sandwiches? Well, I didn't go anywhere today, and I couldn't eat anything till about an hour ago. When the pain finally went away, I was starving. I hadn't gone to the store recently, so there weren't a lot of options. But I had bread. Anytime you have bread, you are good.

What follows are some very ugly pictures of some very yummy things. On paper plates, yes. DO NOT JUDGE ME.

Peanut butter is something I always forget that I love until I run out of money, and then I'm really fucking thankful I have it in the fridge. Peanut butter is great on bread, crackers, celery, carrots, apples, pets' noses, even melted on ice cream. But my favorite thing is peanut butter and honey on white bread. Crunchy only please. What exactly is the point of that other kind?

THIS IS IMPORTANT: You have to toast the bread with the peanut butter on it already, so it gets all gooey, and then when the honey hits the toast and whole nuts it does this thing in your mouth where it tastes like brittle. Pair this with hot chocolate, and you're all set for watching reruns of the Fresh Prince of Belair and being sort of embarrassed that you know all the words to the theme song. I also had some pecans, so I crumbled those inside. It was so fucking good. All I was missing was celery on the side. I love celery. It's like crunchy water.

However, one peanut butter sandwich was not quite enough, so I scoured around my fridge for something else. As usual, I had about three open jars of pickles, 2 jars of olives (Marty, I've turned into you), lots of bread, jam, marmalade, and some deli turkey which had been in there for about a week. I love turkey sandwiches, but I can't buy it in more than 1/4 pd increments, cause I hate the slimy feeling it gets after two days in the fridge. I know its still good. But that's not the point, right? I end up buying way more salami than I want to because turkey betrays me.

So today I figured out how to get rid of that sliminess...fry it. Fry it in butter, with cumin, salt, pepper, paprika, ginger, ground mustard, garlic. Then pile it on some rye bread, with yellow mustard on one side and a good dollop of honey on the other side. Not only is it fantastic? Your house smells good and you sort of feel like you actually cooked something even though the total effort involved in this is five minutes of standing in the kitchen feeding the cat turkey scraps. It's like a lazy girls Cuban.

I suppose you could add things like tomato and stuff, but those are things that spoil, and therefore have no place in my fridge.

So I'm feeling better, I've been resourceful, I've got some Fred and Ginger movies saved, and Top Chef is tonight. I've also gone around my house and done everything I could to eliminate any smell of any sort, just in case. Cause it sucks to clean the kitty litter when you're vomiting in your mouth. I think I might just start mounting the litter box in the window. I wonder how hard it would be to build something like that?

And apparently I was not the only one trying to use up everything useful in the cupboards today.
Midwestgrrl gives you the pantry rundown.