Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The best TV show in the whole world

Alright, so now that I’m on a low-politics plan, I need to find other things to think about. This is hard. I have a long list of topics I no longer want to think about.

Sarah Palin
John McCain
Barack Obama
George Bush
Capitalism and God
Project Runway
my terrible soul rending will never stop being stressful breakup
Gas prices
myself and everything simultaneously awesome/horrific about me

Scanning the list, you can see that those are pretty much the topics we’ve been covering for the last, oh I don’t know, 9 months? You know what happens at the end of nine months? Something new gets born. Of course, in this metaphor, that something would be a conflagration of 2008’s worst most boring overworked crap. So see, not so good with the metaphors these days either. Also, spell check just told me to make that “good” a “well”. Today is really starting to pluck on every insecurity I’ve got locked away in my cold shriveled heart. I can’t spell, I can’t write, I can’t stop wanting approval from people who need to go…well, you know. Think monkeys.

So what we’re going to do here is start hitting random on Wiki and seeing what pops.
Today’s random Wiki article is:


(note: this is the real article)

This is a BBC Scotland kids show, and it’s just another reason why eventually the British Empire will rise again. Every week the show chooses six kids to compete as WARRIORS, and they get tunics, emblems, standards, and nine lives. Then they have to go through a bunch of challenges, and the losers get kicked off every day for a week until there are only 2 left standing. Those two then go on to a showdown. If you lose a life, you can regain it by collecting nine rings throughout a challenge, and there’s a bunch of other stuff I’m not mentioning. But already this show is like fifty times more complicated than any other reality show I’ve ever watched. Scottish kids have the best attention spans in the world. Probably ‘cause they can’t afford any video games. And they don’t have any electricity except for what Grandpa’s generating on a bike in the tool shed.

The kids’ show names are made up from letters in their real names. For example, one girl was named Emma Grace, so they renamed her Gredda. Here are my Raven names: Dallan, Tigaa, Gellab, Diran. You can tell I’m American, ‘cause those all strike me as suspiciously hooker sounding.

The host is the namesake of the program, an ancient immortal Scottish warlord named Raven. Which means the host of this program is the Highlander, who has changed his name for unknown reasons, and also now has the power to become a bird whenever he wants, specifically to frighten children. Curiously enough, there is also a Canadian spin-off of the Highlander series called The Raven, which featured a female immortal, who was of course a thief instead of a be-header guy, cause girls don’t behead people? What they don’t tell you is that if you get kicked off Raven, they figuratively “behead” you by cutting all your hair and selling it to wigmakers in London. Also, while we’re on this Highlander kick, did you know Duncan McLeod beheaded Lord Byron? I mean, WTF?

The villain on this show is even better than the host. HIS name is Nevar. Get it? He has red eyes and wears an Iron Mask because his skin resembles a character from the Hills Have Eyes (or just The Hills). Also, he’s got a magic staff of power but every time he uses it for EVEEL, half of his life force is sucked away by the power of the enchanted oak. I don’t understand this villain. Is this a subtle moral lesson about how doing evil causes more harm to you than anyone else? Or did they want a villain that kids wouldn’t really be scared of, knowing that any time they beat his evil task, they are one step closer to defeating the nemesis himself? Are they teaching a science lesson about half-life? It would seem that on this path, by the last season this guy would be susceptible to the smallest kick and down he tumbles, leaving the Portal unguarded for all warriors, ultimate or not.

Did I mention this show is in its 8th season?

The challenges on this show are constantly changing, but pretty much they involve dodging things – falling boulders, swinging swords, metal jaws, lava flows – without touching anything. Like the game you used to play in the school yard, where one person had to balance on the concrete parking barriers, while the other children played sharks, crocodiles, zombies, and lurked around waiting for you to become unbalanced and fall, so they could bite off your limbs. No one has won the series since Season 4. No one ever really wins that game. I wonder how many world leaders and athletes were good at that game?

Essentially this is Ninja Warrior for small pale British children. And considering that the British Isles are going to be the first casualties when the zombies come, and the dragons, and the plagues, and the proletariat, and the fall of the Western markets, I think these are incredibly valuable life skills for these tykes to be learning. Glide through life, without getting bitten. Be agile. Don’t pay attention to the bad man in the hood and mask, he’s powerless. Recognize that other people may be better physically than you, but if you gather enough rings, you can still outlive them.

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