Friday, December 10, 2010

Friday's Questions Are Simply Thrilled to Be Back at Their Regularly Scheduled Time

Raphael. Portrait of Pope Leo X with Cardinals Giulio de' Medici and Luigi de' Rossi. He will totally rape your face off.

Benedict or Florentine (which one of them is lying)?

I had no idea there was a Medici challenging Cardinal Ratzinger. I mean, always put your money on the Medici, because even if they are not right, they will poison you. In a really painful way. Then they will clone your DNA in order to integrate your biological advantages into their own bloodline.

I'm snowed in, kinda of literally and kind of just because I've decided that I don't particularly like leaving the house this winter. Any suggestions for things to do other than stare at a computer screen?

There is always staring at other screens. Or you could stare at a mirror for a few hours. You could become an amateur chemist and analyze exactly how polluted the snow outside is, and if it's safe, you could make snow ice cream like they did in Little House in the Prairie. While you're at it, you could pretend that somewhere out in the blizzard, your cattle's breath was freezing to their snouts and suffocating them, since that was the most horrific part of those books and there were a lot of horrific parts to choose from. You could become ambidextrous through lots and lots of practice I don't want to know about. You could throw everything in your house out, so when Spring comes and you can leave again, you can redecorate. And in the meantime you could tell people you were becoming Spartan. That's always kind of hot. It makes girls want to buy you things. And if you're a girl, your boyfriends will be impressed by your lack of nesting. You could always learn to cook, but unfortunately that also means going to the grocery store, which is not only leaving the house but leaving the house to go to one of the most annoying places on the planet. Oooh, you could get a live mouse and let it loose in the house so your cats could chase it. That's very heart of darkness.

What do you think it is?

I think it's bright, and shiny, and way too expensive to be for me. If I had to guess, I'd say planet.

How much wood can a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Also, what is chucking?

Chucking is vomiting, everyone knows that. What you're really asking is, if I trapped a woodchuck, strapped it down with some sort of restraint keeping its mouth open, and forced as much wood down the poor things throat as possible, at what point would it start to vomit woodchips and blood all over me as it died in horrible agony?

I happen to think woodchucks are cute, and you should never do this to them. But theoretically, I'm betting not much. A chair leg, maybe? They're small. The only logical way to answer this question would be to get a dead woodchuck stomach and measure it. Just grab the next one you see on the highway and we'll get started on this.

If [you were] a transformer what would you transform into. Would you be an Autobot or a Decepticon?

Neither. I am obviously Unicron.

Why would Wheeljack originally build the Dinobots w/ such little intelligence? sure they were suppose to represent Dinosaurs but giving them only enough to form rudimentary logic and possess broken language just seems like a poor choice.

If you are going to manufacture slaves and cannon fodder, you can't give them intelligence silly. They need to be dumb, or you won't feel probably superior to them, and you might feel bad a little when they get killed. It's not like Wheeljack was trying to create peers. They're not socialists for gods sakes. Except maybe they kind of are? It's all very group think, and they were originally the worker class. But I think the creation of the Dinobots shows them moving from socialist roots to a more imperialist and military mindset. Right? And then the cannon fodder/soldier Grimlock takes over and it's like "see, this is what abandoning the ideals of peaceable equality and community get you." This concludes the extent of what Bridget remembers about transformers, except that she really really loved the Constructicons, and she thought Beast Wars was underrated.

Who put the ram.. in the ram-a-lam-a-ding-dong?

I hate self referential rock songs that talk about how great rock n roll is. Old Time Rock and Roll, for one. That's like the worst song ever. This song isn't so bad, because it's like the beginning of that crap, like Fugazi is the beginning of Emo and therefore not it's strongest distilled form. But any excuse to post a Muppet video.

Ask Me Anything


  1. Unicrons AND muppets? I think I just spooged. I've found the magical holiday land and it's inside Bridget Callahan's head.

  2. Do you believe I did not realize ever not even once that Unicron was one letter away from unicorn?

  3. Um, no offense but UPchuck means vomit. to downchuck means nothing, but I hereby claim that means to gorge oneself. Hence, "to chuck" is to take part in the full cycle of gorge and vomiting, which means that this riddle asks how intense is the woodchuck's bulemia? And shame on you for laughing, it's a serious disease. Seriously adorable.

  4. Paul, you are so right. I'm so sorry for misreading this. Obviously this woodchuck needs some help. Or a reality show contract.


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