Saturday, February 12, 2011

Friday's Questions: Valentines Day Edition (alternatively titled Everyone is Depressed)

Before we get into this, here is my one Valentine's Day complaint. I am perfectly happy being single right now, because I don't currently know anyone I want to go out with, so it's cool. I like Valentine's Day, I think it's sweet, and I hope you all get lots of head. But what needs to stop is the avalanche of VDay spam I've been getting. Used to be it was just Christian Singles stalking me. Now it's 20 thousand messages about "Love by the Dozens" and "Covering Your Love With Chocolate" and "Someone Winked at You!" and "Engagement Rings for Your Fiancee!" (for the fiancee we know you don't have because we also sent you ads for Christian Singles). Even worse, some of the more intrepid spammers have been sending me emails from MY EX BOYFRIEND, or at least people with his same last name, WHICH IS JUST AWFUL. Hey, while we are reminding you how single you are, let's also remind you of the worst break up you ever had, and how you failed to be good enough for someone. THANKS INTERNET.

So what I want for Valentine's Day is not chocolate, or flowers, but instead for every asshole spammer using the last name Ayers to develop a horrible pustulating rash with no known cure. Thank you.

Why don't women my age (26) like body hair as much as the older set?

Since maybe technically I AM the older set here? I think you may be mistaken about that.

I mean, there's nothing inherently wrong with body hair.

I guess.

But it sucks getting rug burn from just making out.

So maybe it's because younger girls' skin is not calloused and over-tanned like a football left out in the backyard over the winter, and therefore more sensitive?

Or maybe younger girls still bother taking care of their body hair, so they expect you to too?

You know what all girls like? Guys who don't care about their body issues.

Why bother being productive? Nothing really matters anyway.

If there's absolutely nothing you care about doing or accomplishing in your life, like if you have no desire to travel or make friends or see cool shows or work at a job that doesn't kill your soul in hourly increments, then you are absolutely right. You should just give up now. But if you are going to give up completely, then make sure you are also not posting about it to FB or twitter or on your depressing tumblr, because if you do, you're not really giving up, and then on top of being a depressing and unproductive person, you are also a hypocrite.

Things that are worth trying to be productive for:

1) A sense of well being because your house is clean and doesn't remind your friends of an episode of hoarders.
2) sex
3) money
4) a group of friends that will hide your obvious alcohol issues under a blanket of being "social"
5) fame (see #4)
6) a sense of making the world a better place (see #2)
7) having developed and interesting hobbies so you aren't forced to think about yourself and your failure as a member of society, and maybe you have something else to do on a beautiful day rather than watching Law and Order reruns and eating microwaved fish sticks.

What should I get my significant other for Valentine's Day?

A car!
No, a pony!
No, a painting!
No, a necklace!
No, a gym membership!*
No, a month's paid utilities!
No, 3 acres on the moon!
No, a hotel room and a bottle of vodka!
No, a manifesto listing all of their closest friends, and why you would never sleep with them!
No, a food processor!
No, a gift certificate to a wine shop!
No, a video of you listing all the reasons you really hope they never stop sleeping with you!
No, a trip to the sex shop to buy anything she/he wants!

(that last one is a real one that one of my friends is doing, which is a pretty good one. Or seriously, a food processor.)

*actually, you really shouldn't do this one. You shouldn't probably even bring up the gym to them ever.

Are you coming to tango on Monday?

No. I am avoiding everything having to do with couples at all on Monday. I am very happy for all of you that are couples, there are some pretty good couples out there right now, but going out on Valentine's Day if you're single means you will only be around couples or desperate bitter singles who are looking for someone to validate their not by choice lifestyle. If you want to find me, I will be at the gym, singing under my breath to Vampire Weekend and watching muted Discovery Channel shows. If I'm not there, it means there's someone I'm not telling you about.

Who do I have to fuck to get a good blow job around here?

Someone who likes giving blow jobs. Duh.

How excited are you about the February 23 premiere of American's Next Top Model?!

Oh My God SO EXCITED. Jere told me the other day I sounded like I really needed ANTM to start again, didn't I? And I immediately got super happy that it was going to! Soon! And then I will have stuff to be mean about again! Oh man, I am just going to rip into them this season. This is going to be my best season of recaps ever in the history of me writing about tv shows that nobody but me and Sarah care about anymore. I think I might even post a greatest hits collection this week, to get us all psyched up for it.

I'm sorry, did you think this blog was about something worthwhile? Sucker.

Why don't people make any sense? Why do I have such self-loathing when the problem really does seem to be everybody else? At what point should one simply give up on society and become a total hermit?

People do nothing but make sense. They are always predictable in their responses, they do the same things over and over again, they are as easy to analyze as the back of the cereal box.

It's just that you probably don't like the answers. And you think things should be different. But they are not. They are always the same. That's what you have to work with. If you can't adapt, then
that's your decision.

Being a hermit isn't very appealing though. Hermits never get laid, and they dress very badly, and they are stuck with their own putrid thoughts all the time. I think the main purpose in interacting with other people is so you don't have to think about just yourself all the time.

If that's appealing to you though, then go for it. But don't go halfway. Do it all the way. Get rid of any pets you have, for starters. They lie to you.

How is this even fucking possible?

Well it's all a series of bells and whistles, like we all access it at different points, and enter information, and then that information gets coded and stored in a server, which then makes it accessible to millions of different networks, and there is a magician who sits on top of a frozen pyramid somewhere in Antartica and he sacrifices small goats, like twenty at a time, on the Ides of every month right at the peak of the moon's ascent, and then all that information that you translated from your misfiring neurons into arbitrary words and then arbitrary pixels get beamed to someone else's screen, and then sometimes they call you and you get laid and the whole thing is FUCKING INCREDIBLE.

As a card-carrying atheist, what is the best solution to getting your point of view across to a born again Christian? Is banging one's head repeatedly against a solid flat object for many hours more productive than attempting to illustrate the fallacy?

So the "right" answer is to point out that if a Born Again was constantly trying to argue you out of being an atheist, you would want to slap them silly and freeze their assets, maybe sell them to an Ukrainian slave trader.

But my actual answer is: Live a better life than them. It's usually not hard.

I'm ok with my decay.

Oh, me too. I like your decay a lot.

Ask Me Anything


  1. I mean, how is it even possible that it kept being so cold for days upon days.

  2. It's because we did not keep the Lake God satisfied this year. We are bad worshippers.


    Also, you guys didn't drown a firstborn male child? What is wrong with you. I leave & all our traditions go to hell.

  4. Nobody is having male children anymore, it's all useless females. I think it's rust poisoning.

  5. I am so glad to have caught your post today... you just could not believe how much I needed to 'visit' with you today...

    7) having developed and interesting hobbies so you aren't forced to think about yourself and your failure as a member of society, and maybe you have something else to do on a beautiful day rather than watching Law and Order reruns and eating microwaved fish sticks.

    I am so using this for something... anywho, I would think that the hotel room and vodka (preferably Ketel One, cause I like the name) and trip to the sex shop is more like a two for one deal...

    Since I am considering social hermitage, a cat is out..? That means I have to reconsider that plan then...

  6. My ex's mom would send us a card every Valentine's Day (she was a sweet, card-sending old lady -- I mean, she still is, and actually she still sends me cards sometimes, even though it's been more than two years since we broke up, which is terribly endearing, and it's okay because the ex and I are good friends now, but anyway that isn't the point of this story). She would send us a card. And every year, without fail, she would write "Happy VD-Day". Which still makes me snort-laugh. Enjoy your venereal diseases today! (We never told her. Because we are evil.)

  7. If you see me and I have pneumonia - it is because i had to carry this kicking and screaming kid the 4 miles to the effing lake and then hold him under long enough to get it done in the middle of february. Do you know how hard it is to cut a hole in the ice while holding down a hollering boy fighting for his life?

    It is not the easiest thing I did this week.

  8. Valentines Day is the most rediculous Hallmark day of them all. I never buy anybody anything to "celebrate" this day. Chocolate tastes just as good shaped in squares as it does shaped like hearts.

  9. Mark, you cannot have a cat and be a hermit because hermits are supposed to be holy men and cats are servants of the devil.

    B- This is why you don't make friends with moms.

    J - Hollering.

    Bill- oh c'mon, it's sweet. The idea is sweet.

  10. Well, I mean, he and I lived together for 7 years. And his family lives near here, and I haven't spoken to my family for 13 years. So...I had occasion to see his family a fair amount, during that time, because he's a 45-year-old who gets along with his family, so holidays and such were usually spent with them. That kind of thing. And I really like his parents. (I think they were more shattered by our break-up than he was, in a lot of ways, honestly.)

  11. I clicked on miss b's blog, read it, read it again, and again. i'm late for a meeting.

  12. Bill, you will make her blush and avoid eye contact. (But you should send her a random email, because she enjoys getting random email from strangers, except when it's all heart-tearingly confessional and advice-asking, because she doesn't know what to do with those, even though she still feels weirdly responsible and committed to respond in some way, though the ways she comes up with are never wholly adequate, either.)


Who wants to fuck the Editors?