Friday, December 17, 2010

Friday's Questions are Full of Grace and Eggnog

It still counts as Friday even if I haven't gone to sleep yet.

I have the chance to spend Christmas with my new boyfriend's family, whom I've never met. Do you think this is a good idea or not? I'm afraid it will be awkward.

Such a good idea. If you don't get along with the family, and he's close to his, it's not worth it. I know some of you say your families are awful and you hate them and try to separate yourself as much as possible. But except in some extreme cases, if he enjoys his family, then chances are his family is just like him. He is the distilled version of them, and when around them, is his purest most selfish most flawed self.

I know this is true about my family. If you don't like my family, then you don't really like me. If you can't carry on conversation with my family, you and I won't be able to hang, not long term. I learned this the hard way, and now I vow to never bring home someone who I don't think can do it, because it disrupts our valuable family flow. Every person in my family represents some important part of me. Nick is my geekiness, and desire to please. Carrie is my emotional instability and charm. Dad is my desire for action and meaning in a concrete way. Mom is my need for a home and history. I'm a compendium of all of their traits. I shudder to think what trait of theirs I can claim ownership for, but whatever. We are this thing that has been created.

The point is, you are afraid you will fail, and you should be, because if you do, you probably should break up.

What should I get my boyfriend for Christmas?

A xylophone. I don't think he has one. If he does, knit him a xylophone cozy. Guys like it when you knit, because it's like you're fake pregnant.

If you had a Top 5 checklist of imperative requirements for your next boyfriend, what would they be? Like, if he doesn't have these qualities then it's a deal-breaker.

So when I met Andrew for the first time, within five minutes he had broken out his amazing notebook, and was recounting to me his list. Then I got sort of obsessed with the idea, and asked my other friends for their lists. They were all SO specific, detailed and well thought out, and pre-question-posed-created. I had some idea I would write a post about it, but that never happened. I did try to make a list myself, it seemed like an adult and responsible thing to do, especially at my stage of life, with the whole single thing freshly minted. But it's hard and feels ultra judgey. So here's a try. I think these are probably deal breakers, but once upon a time I thought a home improvement salesman who hunted was a dealbreaker, and how wrong was I about that?

1) Reads. Not just websites. Actual books. Good books. I would prefer a writer, but I'll settle for reader.

2) Good with money. Not rich. Not "take care of me with your money". But financially more talented than me. Life partner wise, I would very much like to be able to just give my other my paycheck and have them figure it out, because god knows I am absolutely simply the worst person with money ever. I'm good at lots of other things, it's true. I think enough other things that it's a decent trade off. It's just important to find someone who will balance out your flaws, and this is a big one for me. It's also an easy one, cause trust me, your dog is better with money than me. I had to borrow 20 bucks off your dog just the other day. Now granted, I won't be handing you my paycheck after a few dates. But this is one area I think it's okay to think long term with. I am old after all.

3) Socially talented. I don't demand this from my friends, but it's at least 1/4 of anyones sex appeal for me. Polite. Inclusive. Charming. Able to fit in with any group, by the sheer skill of being interested in people he doesn't know. Which leads nicely into...

4) Curious. About everything. Even things I wish he wasn't. Willing to think things through, to figure them out not because he has to, but because he wants to.

5) Adventurous and Brave. Not just "hey let's go climb this mountain" but also "hey, let's go try this hole in the wall Creationism museum we just passed" or "hey, let's go to this lecture about gravity." Hey let's go walk around downtown for the entire day with this flask and see what happens. Hey, let's go to this other city we've never been in with no plans. Hey, let's just drive southwest for two days.Hey, let's try this concert for a band we've never heard of, and then maybe go to Chicago with the band, and then go to the aquarium and make fun of the sea creatures loudly. Hey yes, of course we can stop at this abandoned gas station and crawl around in it, just because.

rock, paper, or scissors?

I wish I could say paper, but it's almost always rock, though I hate the shape of my hand in a fist. It's babyish and revolting, too small to be taken seriously for any smashing.

Is it just me or would you rather root for the Queen of Hearts or Alice?

The Queen of Hearts, in the book anyway, has no redeeming qualities except power. Alice of course has no power, its her charm, her utter powerlessness in the face of lunacy and her ability to just coast along with it. I always wanted to root for the White Queen, poor daft thing, with the slipping and the pinning and the falling. But that's a different game and different book. If you root for the Queen of Hearts, you are rooting for the continued attempt to control the lunacy and dictate it's parameters. I think that's a lost cause. Alice's most despicable flaw is her lack of note taking. You shouldn't try to control the world, but you should at least document it.

No consequences: What is the most evil thing you would do?

First of all, there's a lot more stopping me from being evil than just consequences.
One of my friends remarked at a party recently, partially remarked, partially asked, if there was anything I hadn't done that I wouldn't try. The first thing I thought of was a certain sexual position I have little to no curiosity in, so I made some glib vague reference about inappropriate company, and left it at that. But driving home it occurred to me, I probably should have said murder. I mean, c'mon, murder? What kind of person am I if that's not the first obvious thing I think of? Also, you know, rape, espionage, theft from very poor people, various chemical environmental disasters, slavery. There's a lot of things I don't need to try. And a lot of very bad things I have tried anyway. But I guess the answer is I don't need to try something that I know is going to hurt other people.

The answer to your question is...I don't know? Evil isn't very well defined you know. But I don't think I could do something that would physically harm someone. I mean, I've thrown things at people, and hit people, but I wouldn't run someone over with a car, or stab them. I wouldn't help a married person cheat, and I wouldn't cheat on someone I was with. I wouldn't kill an endangered animal (really any animal except to put it out of its misery, which yes I know huge hypocrite so says us all). I've lied. So there's that. I've not shown up places I should have. I've talked about people behind their back. All the little evils we do to maintain a reality we like.

Probably the most evil thing I've ever done is a continuing act of not doing something to make the world a better place. Despite the consequences.

What are you procrastinating about right now?

Oh, going to bed. I hate going to bed after having a wonderful night. My bed is also super warm, it's been amped up to maximum wintery defense, with multiple blankets and pillows. I am loathe to get into the bed, because getting in admits the fact that in a few short hours I will have to get out again, and I hate getting out of bed so much more than I hate anything that comes after it. So yes, I don't want to go to bed. I am procrastinating the beginning of tomorrow.

I am also putting off everything else. Just ad lib here. Put in anything you want. Chances are I'm waiting for it to just disappear so I don't have to worry about it anymore. That does work, despite what people tell you. Everything dies eventually.

Now that you own the tiara, what is the next amazing thing you are going to buy for yourself?

A trip to Hoboken. Also a camera that weighs more than my wallet. Just kidding, like I carry a wallet. A passport, finally. No longer will the long steel tentacles of the law keep me from my future Canadian husband. Or Icelandic lover. Or Argentinian bookkeeper. Or Turkish prison guard.

Though it should be said, I don't "own" the tiara. The tiara belongs to all of us. It is a community tiara, and looks better when I put it on other people. It is the physical realization of your inner dirty laundry dirty dishes too many cats not enough biking princess. Feel free always to demand the tiara from me.

Ask Me Anything. Please Stop Asking Me About Relationships.


  1. Oh god, if I ever need another girlfriend, can you imagine the disaster? I don't have a list! Maybe: short hair, boss of me?

  2. Andrew is a lucky cat. This is great advice, and that is for real.

  3. M - you've graduated beyond lists! To...scripture?

    Mark - Andrew is a lucky cat, but not for the reasons you're implying. His list and my list are completely separate things. Also, I don't think any of these were his questions. I could be wrong, but usually his questions involve lyrics from art rap groups, or girls in other countries.

  4. Maybe Andrew asked ALL the boyfriend questions to trip you up.

  5. No, I mean, maybe. Who knows what you people do.

  6. First of all, I'm terrible with money, so sadly we shouldn't date. It'd be a disaster.

    Also, I have a question for next week already: why do guys like it when you're fake pregnant?

  7. I'm crushed now. You were my contingency plan. Only because you live so far away, you understand.

    Question noted, and saved.

  8. I demand the tiara!

    I dyed my hair last night.

  9. What color? Will it match the tiara? If it doesn't match, you can only have it for a day.

  10. Herbert needs a ukulele cozy STAT!

  11. Sadly, I am the opposite of knitting. Scientifically.

  12. It's reddish, but honestly if I hadn't mentioned it you probably wouldn't even notice next time you see me.

  13. Which will be when? January?
    Do you want to shoot for Sunday? Or actually really, I'm free tomorrow I think. I think. Someone's going to get mad at me for forgetting something, but really there's so much coming up I just want to stay home and watch Russian fantasy movies.

  14. OR, the point is, drink with you and make fun of your hair.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?