Saturday, April 30, 2011

Things to Say to the Next Old Lady Who Fucks with Me at the Grocery Store, Specifically Heinens

It’s important that you realize there is literally nothing you can do to stop me. This was a foregone conclusion the minute I woke up, and maybe in fact the minute I learned to walk, the second I took my first breath outside my mothers wet warm uterus. Your first mistake was existing in the same world I do. Your second mistake was allowing me to learn your name. You know the reason you can’t stop me? Because I believe I am better than you. Better looking, smarter, cunning and resourceful, more interesting at parties. Because I believe this, and because my mind is tuned to the frequency of the universe which allows everything I believe to come true, it is therefore true. A weaker individual cannot stop a stronger one. I am better at sex than you. I am also better at kissing. I handle my liquor better. I believe in my smile, and when I smile at people they believe in me, because I understand that’s how it works. My brain can conceive of five possible solutions before you’ve even figured out where your keys are. My genes are naturally resistant to stupidity. I never get a bad haircut. People like you see the world the way you do because people like me tell you how to. This is the way the world was designed, you cannot change that just because you are at a disadvantage.You may go home and scoff at me to your friends, you may mock my face or my words or the fact there are no hubcaps on my car, but your denial of the truth does not make it any less true. I have already won by sheer factual superiority. I will simply have a much better life than you. So give the fuck up and move your fucking cart.

PS I have a motherfucking dinosaur at home. It eats stars for the sugar and old ladies for the fiber.

14 comments:

  1. Your compassion and humility are impressive, indeed! Remember that scene in Fried Green Tomatoes?

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  2. To Wanda!

    love,

    Felicia Flagg

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  3. I read the book in high school? But never saw the movie. And have no idea what either of you are talking about.

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  4. Never have I wanted to plagiarize something as badly as I do right now. Callahan, you are a force of fucking nature.

    Hands down brilliant.

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  5. I don't so much like the cut of yer jib, as envy it.

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  6. you are so fucking right.
    perhaps the first run of the PJam (if that's what it turns out to be) will have to do with Other People.

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  7. this is brilliant. Can i put this on a T shirt or perhaps a canvas bag for my trips into Heinens?

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  8. You realize of course that now you have pre-ordained yourself to become the same old lady in your dotage. Karma is a bitch.

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  9. A mesmerising display of scathing verbal viruosity - my hat's off!

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  10. Solution to this mess:
    Old people should only be allowed to shop for groceries Mondays and Wednesdays from 9 to 11 A.M. Where I live they're all over the place on friday afternoon, and the whole weekend. Don't they have enough time during the week?

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  11. Becasue you're younger, because you're a facebooker & because you have all of your teeth.

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  12. I'm going to start telling everyone I should get what I want cause I'm a facebooker. That should go over well.

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Who wants to fuck the Editors?