Things to Say to the Next Old Lady Who Fucks with Me at the Grocery Store, Specifically Heinens

It’s important that you realize there is literally nothing you can do to stop me. This was a foregone conclusion the minute I woke up, and maybe in fact the minute I learned to walk, the second I took my first breath outside my mothers wet warm uterus. Your first mistake was existing in the same world I do. Your second mistake was allowing me to learn your name. You know the reason you can’t stop me? Because I believe I am better than you. Better looking, smarter, cunning and resourceful, more interesting at parties. Because I believe this, and because my mind is tuned to the frequency of the universe which allows everything I believe to come true, it is therefore true. A weaker individual cannot stop a stronger one. I am better at sex than you. I am also better at kissing. I handle my liquor better. I believe in my smile, and when I smile at people they believe in me, because I understand that’s how it works. My brain can conceive of five possible solutions before you’ve even figured out where your keys are. My genes are naturally resistant to stupidity. I never get a bad haircut. People like you see the world the way you do because people like me tell you how to. This is the way the world was designed, you cannot change that just because you are at a disadvantage.You may go home and scoff at me to your friends, you may mock my face or my words or the fact there are no hubcaps on my car, but your denial of the truth does not make it any less true. I have already won by sheer factual superiority. I will simply have a much better life than you. So give the fuck up and move your fucking cart.

PS I have a motherfucking dinosaur at home. It eats stars for the sugar and old ladies for the fiber.