Being Single and Being Sick

So I've been varying degrees of sickface for like, EVER. If March was my month of getting laid, April has proven to be my month of spontaneously producing whole new mucus universes in my lungs and then coughing them up chunk by chunk. Destroyer of worlds.

It started two weeks ago. I got really horrible sick for a few days, feverish and all that nonsense. Spent the day at Mommy's and called off work for a day. I got better, but I still had a cough. The cough got a little better. Then about a day after I got back from Pittsburgh it hit me hard. Another fever. I wanted to sleep constantly. A horrible cough that happened every five seconds, every time I took a breath or moved a muscle. Yesterday was the worst though. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't lay down. Every time I put my head in anything approximating a horizontal position, like lying on the couch or snuggled under covers, the coughing just got worse. Throw up anything you eat worse. Wear a pad because you might piss yourself coughing worse. Your neighbors are convinced you have lung cancer worse. I didn't go to sleep at all last night, except for about a hour's nap I caught after discovering that if you masturbate, it opens up your lungs, something to do with bloodflow I imagine. It didn't last though.

The worst part about being sick is that I get so emotionally needy. Like, this morning I got really really mad about a facebook post one of my friends had put up DAYS ago, about hanging out with the Toxic Ex, Ayers. And a bunch of my other friends had "liked" it, all people who said they didn't talk to Ayers anymore, and logically I know it is the dumbest thing to get mad about ever, and they were just "liking" the Big Lebowski video. I wouldn't have even thought about it twice if my stupid phone app hadn't thrown it up on the wall again. But this morning? Sleep deprived and crying every time I hacked a new piece of lung into the Cup for Pieces of Lung that I keep now by my bed? I almost called this friend and told him we couldn't be friends anymore if he was hanging out with him for this very long and involved reason I won't go into. I almost defriended him. It was, for about thirty minutes, the worst most painful thing in the whole world. Everyone was against me. I was going to cull my entire facebook list and get rid of anyone that might know him, or drink with him, or meet him in the future. Since this is Cleveland, I think that would work out to roughly a third of the people I know.

Then I ate some pudding and watched Inception, which quickly put it all out of my head. Because that kind of shit is crazy. Seriously, when I'm really sick? You might as well be dealing with a prepubescent girl. A paranoid weepy prepubescent girl. Also that movie needed to calm the fuck down.

It's a weird thing, living alone and being really really sick. On one hand, you just want someone to crawl into bed with you and hold you, and watch bad movies with you, and go get you vapor rub when you run out. On the other hand, you want another person to Want to do that, just so you can tell them to fucking go away and leave you alone to bleed out. The worst part about being sick when I lived with Ayers was that on top of the whole Dying thing, there was also a thick layer of guilt and disgust at the state of my own body, for keeping him awake or looking so nasty. So it's nice to be able to ferment in your own inevitable rot without any witnesses.

Nice being a relative term. I still wish I was dead. And I have to go to the store myself right now, to restock on tissues and look for some sort of miracle sedative that will allow me to fall asleep at some point in the next 48 hours. Like, wasp killer? What I would like most is for somebody with very large hands to squeeze my skull hard for about fifteen minutes, and then leave.

If another person tells me to get more vitamin C, I will fucking scream. Do you have any idea how much pineapple juice I drink? I mean seriously, OBVIOUSLY, I should quit smoking. But no, fine, go ahead and tell me how to avoid getting scurvy.

PS I think it's inevitable I am going to end watching a lot of Harry Potter tonight. Or Narnia. Really anything with CGI talking animals, right?