Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Movie Reviews from the Sickbed

The concept of a sickbed is so gross. The bed where you lie and wallow in your own germs. And it's so medieval sounding too, so it's not just conjuring images of sick people, but unwashed terrible dying peasants moaning in the corner of some one room hut, while the rest of the family works farming mud.

I don't know why it is that colds always wait until you have to work to be worse, but I really thought I was going to be okay today, and then I woke up and boom, it was like I was delirious. I mean, that really lost feeling where you can't seem to wake up even a little, and I couldn't stop coughing and I went back to bed for like 5 hours. When I sort of woke up, I pretty much just lay around dying and watching movies, sort of in and sort of out. So many of you assholes had this flu, I should have known it was going to get me. But I really thought I might avoid it. It was probably all that time at the film festival last week. Large crowded places. But Kawasawki Rose was pretty great. I'm putting that down now in type so tomorrow when I'm not hopped up on over the counter cough suppressant, I'll remember to look up the other two films by that director.

So anyway, here's what I watched today and what I thought about it.

The Switch

I don't know why I gravitate towards the most awful romantic comedies when I'm sick. It's the same instinct that caused me to only read Sweet Valley when I was sick in high school. The plot of this movie is that Jenn Aniston is some career woman who decides she's going to get pregnant and have a baby, and Jason Bateman plays her neurotic best friend who doesn't have the balls to tell Jenn he loves her, so INSTEAD he drunkenly switches her SPERM DONATION with HIS OWN. SPERM. Hilarity ensues.

Lessons learned from this movie: 1)If you force a woman unknowingly and against her will to have your child, even though she's already made it clear she's not interested in procreating with you, its okay. Because she'll just cry a little, and then totally be in love in with you. 2) Even if you are not in your child's life for the first six years of it, they will still totally grow up having your hand gestures and facial expressions and hypochondria. It will be obvious to everyone that this is your little seed all grown up because they are an asshole just like you, genetically!

Bye Bye Birdie

Oh Ann Margaret. Oh Jesse Pearson. Whatever, I don't need to defend shit to you.

Strangers on a Train

My very favorite part of this movie is when Guy is getting into a cab, and he sees Bruno standing on the building steps far away watching him, and he just stands there as they drive away, this small undefined silhouette against the white marble. Also Ruth Roman who plays Anne Morton, is one of those women who are handsome, not pretty. You forget that used to be a much more common thing, style, trend, whatever. You know, like she's honorable, not cheap. Weird funny America.

Dinner for Schmucks

Remember this one? With Steve Carrell and Paul Rudd. Oh Paul Rudd. Geez. Why for art thou Paul Rudd? Out of what cursed late 50s doo wop crooners loins did you spring? My personal theory is that deep within a South American communist research facility they were trying to clone John Cusack circa 1997, and Paul Rudd is the closest they got. If Jennifer Aniston had been the love interest in this movie, it would have totally been ruined for me.

My favorite part was when the vulture grabbed the finger and ran all the way down the table with it. Vultures are hilarious when they run. Also all the dead mice were adorable.

Tigers on Surfboards was the other thing I did all day.


  1. I still love Paul Rudd. Or at least I'd like to. All over his face. I blame Clueless.

  2. Oh, I love Paul Rudd too. I do. But he's just SO Paul Rudd it hurts.

  3. It will be obvious to everyone that this is your little seed all grown up because they are an asshole just like you, genetically!

    If this wasn't something that I experienced for nearly ever summer between 97 - 08, I would agree with you. But instead whenever I am in the company of my daughters I simply shake my head in shock.

  4. I sure hated Dinner for Schmucks. Except, oddly, Galifinakis, who I normally hate in everything else. Also, the mice! It didn't make me think Carrel was a loser, but a genius.


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