Thursday, April 21, 2011

Cracking the Mysteries of the Ages

This had better be my last day being sick. I feel like it is. My voice still sounds hauntingly like a 95 yr old asthmatic, and the stuff coming out of my lungs is this particular shade of sea foam green yellow, that I imagine Betty Draper will be painting her kitchen in about two seasons. But I'm so restless, and that's a good sign. Like, I just want to DO stuff. Only not anything that involves talking to people or being responsible for any fine motor functions. Later I'm going to eat the spiciest Thai food I can find, to try and jumpstart my senses into working. This morning, it took me till 1 in the afternoon to realize I hadn't brushed my teeth since yesterday.

Since I couldn't think of anything real to post about, but didn't want to leave that weed post up as my last entry cause I fear it leaves the wrong impression of me to newcomers (I may have already sabotaged this effort with that teeth confession), here's another no photo throw away post from the sickbed. Have I mentioned inhalers are like, the most amazing invention ever? After morning after pills, coffee liquor, and marshmallow eggs, of course.


If a tree falls in a forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?

This is a trick question. The real question is how no one could be around? What have you done to your forest to kill it so completely that there are no birds, or insects, or small woodland vermin? There is always someone around in the forest. You don't even need to be in the forest. There are like seven raccoons living in my garage. So the correct answer here is: always assume someone is listening. And recording. Or eating your garbage.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Eating eggs is gross. I mean, I still do it, but they are gross. You are eating undeveloped fetus juice, fried hard. Ugh. That dropped literally out of somethings uterus. (I'm generalizing here, I don't really think it's called a uterus, but same concept, someplace inside an animal that's a warm dark incubator for sex juice. Oh wait, I just looked it up and it's totally called a uterus.) Full grown chickens are gross too, they are mean carnivorous vicious tiny dinosaurs who will eat absolutely anything, including tape. I once had my finger bitten by a goose at the zoo, and geese are just chickens on steroids. Also I read that scene in Mama Day where the guy gets killed by the chickens, and I suspect that was a true story, which is just another reason why I will never whitewash anything ever.

The best phase of chickenhood is when they are just chicks. Sort of like how Pikachu was always cutest before he evolved. Chicks are adorable. They are fuzzy and skittish and impossibly crushable.

The correct answer here is: the egg. Duh.

What goes on four legs in the morning, on two legs at noon, and on three legs in the evening?

Sarah's mini-greyhound Maurice. Sometimes he uses no feet at all.

What is the room you leave without entering? The Maproom.
That's a bar downtown.

What is the room you enter without leaving? The kitchen at any house party ever.


  1. I agree with everything you said except for the part about the chickens. Chickens are the awesomest pets I've ever owned. And they lay eggs. You can't make a damn key lime pie without eggs. Trust me.

  2. I am willing to bet you probably can, but it probably sucks.

    Right? Maproom. Ha! This entire post was basically a frame for that line. I mean not really. But now it is.


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