1. To get into Ann Arbor, approaching from 75 North, you must pass the Dual Blind Swamis. They will ask you three questions. One will be about how much pickle you can fit in your mouth. Then the one with the beard will spank you, and let you pass peacefully. Do not resist, this is a time honored Michigan tradition.
2. Inside the pearly gates, Ann Arbor is an intricate maze of dark forbidden alleyways, ripped from screen shots of Xanadu and The Warriors. You can smell the burnt Starbucks in the air, along with the hopes and dreams of many lost Death Cab for Cutie fans.
3. Everyone in Ann Arbor is, or owns, a robot.
4. When eating in Ann Arbor, it is important to remember that your robot friends can only consume motor oil Yeager Bombs and English muffins. They were built this way to prevent their scourge from spreading across the Midwest, something you should be fucking grateful for, Indiana. Also, your robot may turn invisible at inconvenient times, like when you are trying to take their picture.
5. The Ann Arbor City Council. Councilman Chicken has been brought up on corruption charges, but has denied all wrong doing. When their terms are over, many councilmen find good homes in the rural farms surrounding their metropolis, and are in particular demand around hay ride season. Or the Pagan New Year.
6. The UM alumni president is cute and furry, and zealously opposed to bringing a Taco Bell on campus. Because of the tomato issue. Aww, look how fuzzy wuzzy UM Alumni are! Their degrees give them mega cuteness! (note, stay away from this llama after 7 PBRs, or he will tell you all about the book he's writing, a autobiographical biography, and the cuteness will give way to a void of condescension and developing beer belly rubbing.)
7. Outside Ann Arbor, in a haven called Holly, lives a small community of Luddites, who reject the city's robot-friendly policy, and live on the edge of a swamp with no electricity or heat. Though they have plenty of jerky, mead, and smallpox.
8. They arm themselves with small digit-eating demons that double as footstools. (Chris, this picture is here just for you man.)
9. Holly is run by a giant wishing turtle, that carries a replica of the Earth on its back, and will predict your future for a small sacrifice. A toddler, perhaps. Nothing older than 3rd grade though, they get tough, and the turtle's teeth are old.
Awww! I ♥ medieval pug!
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