The last couple weeks of this show, I have felt chained to my tv, and not in that good riveting sort of way. I kept telling myself I could stop anytime I wanted to, but the one night I missed it? I couldn't stop thinking about it the whole next week. I felt like I had a visible scar on my leg from those chains*, and I was ashamed to be in public.
Alright, not really. But this show did turn into a major drag. I wish I could say it was all worth it. Perhaps it was, if only to learn the hard lesson that ANTM is fucking fixed. It's true I wanted Allison to win all along, because I like robots a lot and I like them even more when they integrate themselves successfully in society, like Rihanna. But I never ever expected Allison to make it through the CG commercial, and why would anyone ever put her on a runway? Really. So I went into last night with the expectation that it would absolutely be Aminat vs. The Borg Queen. Or as Buddy corrected me, the charred remnants of the Borg Queen. Is that mean?
Last night, Aminat and Allison kicked Teyonna's ass. Aminat obviously did the best of the CoverGirl commercial. She knew her lines, she was personable, she was pretty. I have been against Aminat from the start. I think she's been ignorant, skanky, and I really think she might have lead poisoning. However yes, she should have won. And Allison, thought not as good, at least didn't break down crying and morph into a hysterical 12 yr old girl.
Tyra was determined to get her pet into the top two though. So she inexplicably sent home the obvious winner of the challenge, strategizing that Teyonna would have to win against Allison on the runway. Aminat was cheated.
A minor miracle occurred on the runway, Allison was good! She was, in fact, better than Teyonna. She showed personality, her walk was decent, and she looked better. Teyonna looked like a terrified stick bug. But yet again, even though the judges' critiques favored Allison, Tyra chose her favorite. And it was over and done with.
Why exactly did Tyra have such a hard on for Teyonna? Let's wildly speculate:
1. Teyonna is Tyra's love child.
2. Teyonna is the love child of Tyra's current boyfriend - wait, does Tyra have boyfriends?
3. Tyra is a lesbian, and really wants Teyonna cause she has a thing for weird freaky heads and doesn't like to have anyone in bed prettier than her.
4. Tyra just in general doesn't like girls prettier than her.
5. Tyra is biding her time until she is able to lure Teyonna into her domicile and eat her and suck on her bones, and then mount her Alien Queen forehead on the wall as a trophy.
6. This show sucks.
Whatever the reason, it's over now. Teyonna can look forward to a life of doing strange Top Model in Action commercials with a disenchanted, drugged up McKee. Allison will, I think, have no problem finding rich sci-fi geeks to fall in love with her. And Aminat should probably stay in Brazil and find plenty of work and eventually grow up into a cultured beautiful person...or a cokehead.
A list of all the bad recaps I have written for this season - all very good reasons for me to cancel my cable and never get sucked into something like this again. Oh, the memories...
Ep. 10. Beware of the Bird : Tyra wishes she had the soul of an artist, and the talons of a condor.
Ep. 9. Redonkalous : new favorite word.
Ep. 8. The Earth Day Episode : The ladies brazenly attack Brazil and WIN. Not really.
Ep. 7. The Taxman Only Knocks Once : I miss teabaggers already.
Ep. 6. Some Weird Russian Crap also known as the infamous "Is London pregnant?" recap, which has ironically produced the most hits to this page since I posted a pic of The Host.
Ep. 5. S-T-U-P-I-D Face Aminat shows off her first grade spelling skills.
Ep. 4. Seriously, Did the Producers Tell Her to Do That? Celia. What the hell?
Ep. 3. The Pink Limo of Doom takes the Girls to the Bus of Ill Repute Pink plaid. The man who painted this limo just shot himself in the head.
Ep. 2. The Changelings Emerge from the Laboratory Makeover. Yay.
Ep. 1. The Cycle Starts : My enslavement to this preferred Wedns night pasttime of almost yuppie girls in their late 20's begins.
*don't even talk to me about chains. LOST.
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