Wednesday, January 25, 2012

The 5 Most Appropriate Ways for Gossip Girl to End

Listen, if you don't know what Gossip Girl is, I can't help you. I don't know why or how, but this season is either the last or second to last one. I think it's the baby/wedding story arc that's throwing it into the final maneuvers. When you start marrying main characters off to the Prince of Monaco, what else is left really? Well, here's what I suggest.

1) I've argued for a while that what's going on in Gossip Girl is that Leighton Meester's character is actually stuck in a sensory dep tank deep within occupied territory, where the rebels are forcing her to live through manufactured nightmares in which she thinks she is Blair Waldorf. I don't know why they are doing this - maybe she is a new hybrid being and they are mining her adrenalin and tears for the recreational drugs of the new Manhattan's Elite.

2) Blair is actually a planted sleeper agent for an unknown dark force trying to assassinate the Prince of Monaco. On their wedding night, she plants a biological weapon in their suite, and flies out of the country as zombie apocalypse breaks out. Later, in the spin off, she redeems herself as a hostile but warmhearted leader of the Survivors.

3) In this season, Nate (who for no good reason just became the editor of a paper, at like 22) decided to start a war with Veronica Mars/Gossip Girl (I just learned today that Kristen Bell is the voiceover, XOXO wrongdoers), but then got immediately manipulated back into place by her. So obviously the next step is that  with Gossip Girl is under attack, she turns out to be a serial killer and starts quietly killing off all the main characters, episode by episode, as Blair and Chuck race to stop her before their numbers are up. Nate should be first, and it should involve a sex scandal with Drake (erotic asphyxiation I think) This would be great especially because nobody knows more about these dolls than the person who's been stalking them for 10 years. Maybe they could bring in the Mentalist to help catch her, thus giving me such a trash tv orgasm, I can never ever watch tv again.

4) Serena is a killer robot, planted by Cylons to infiltrate Earth's defense systems. No, not really. But she does become a tennis superstar, and then gets accidentally sold into the Ukrainian sex slave market. The end. Everybody hates Serena and when she's gone, they all live happily ever after. Last episode, we see the show end from the perspective of a small teen blonde girl in Louisana who is just crying and crying and crying in her shabby small bedroom plastered with posters of the cast members. She has 12 hairbows in her hair.

5) Jenny comes permanently back to town after being banished by Blair to Hudson (that actually happened), and becomes a reality show star. She spends every episode walking in some point in the middle of the show and randomly cursing or fighting or freaking out with whoever is available. These temper tantrums should have nothing to do with the actual show, it will be like a recurring joke we're all in on. But then at the season finale, she commits suicide, and everyone else has a revelation about the wanton wastefulness of their own lives. We then get an epilogue where we find out that each character has gone off to do something really awesome - like building schools in Africa, or studying global warming. Blair becomes a Doctor of Feminism, and writes a best selling book that changes how the country sees preteen girls. Chuck moves to Cleveland revitalizes the Slavic Village neighborhood. Serena gets fat and joins a knitting circle, where she finally finds happiness with a bearded bikester. The entire last episode is soundtracked by Fleet Foxes.

Update - #6 Jenny is often referred to as Raccoon Eyes, because of her generous use of eyeliner. In the last episode, she is played by an actual raccoon. Nobody notices. Turns out she's been a real raccoon this whole time. Plus, urban wildlife awareness!


  1. Oh man I like raccoon eyes, I want her back! Also, Serena as a cylon is strangely perfect.


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