Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Let's Pretend My Sister Wrote This Entry

You know, cause her blog is all, introspective. And I write about photos.

I had another fight with the guy I always have another fight with, see prior post.
That's not a surprise, because we always have the exact same fight every time summer hits: he wants to date other girls AND me, and I don't do that. Winter we're fine, summer I'm in his way. It's not a big deal this time, because we haven't been actually "going out", and I'm leaving, so mostly I'm pissed off he doesn't want to see me for the remaining three months I have in Cleveland, because I won't be around this Fall for us to make up. I feel rejected even though I'm the one moving away.  

But the fact I threw wine on him bothers me. Not because he doesn't deserve me being angry at him (at the time of incident, he had just said to me "Fine, why don't I just buy you a car now and we'll never talk again", so fuck you). What bothers me is that it's been 2 years since he trashed my heart with that 19yr old, and I really thought I had worked through enough pain since then that I was beyond alcohol throwing outbursts. I thought I was an adult. I thought I didn't have outbursts anymore. 

But there's a theme in my life this past month, and it's "Your Current Life is Not A Viable Option."

 In the past month, the universe has seen fit to strip me of every coping device I have. First it took away my laptop. Then it killed my car. Then it lost my camera. And now no Boy. So no beach whenever I feel like it, no independence, no urban exploring. Anything I want to do besides sit around my house, I have to do WITH someone. And the person I've depended on for being there when I have emergencies is gone, again, so a)no sex b)no dates and c) a shit ton of unresolved love/anger that I can't use any of the aforementioned coping techniques to deal with. So of course I'm throwing glasses of wine. I'm about to have a breakdown.

I'm not really, I can feel that I'm not, but you know how not having a breakdown is like a muscle? And you practice and stretch it so it gets stronger, but then you still have the times when you feel you might rip your tendons apart? If it hadn't been for my actual breakdown two years ago, I think this might all be beyond me. As it is, I'm just getting severe cramps, and I need a water break bad.

As a result, I haven't left my property line in three days. And I don't want to. I'm not really the type to think the Universe is intervening, but I think in this case it's better I buy into the narrative. Because truthfully, I've just been plodding along in my filthy house, drinking and going out with friends and eating fast food at 2am and spending every bit of free time I have out, and in the meantime my life has disintegrated, rotted away. It's like I had a lease on this particular lifestyle, and the lease is up, I waited too long to buy a new one when I knew I needed to, and now everything is broken. All that's left is for me to throw everything out and start from scratch. Which is what I told myself I wanted to do in November when I started applying to schools, but somewhere along the way I failed to make myself actually prepare for that and Now I Have No Choice. I have to throw everything in my apartment out and clean it. I have to ride my bike. I have to eat only grocery store food and plan ahead for things like laundry and doctors visits. I have to learn to be by myself mostly. These are all things I'm going to need to learn properly before I move, or moving will be a failure.

I was cleaning out my car today (of course, I can't find the title, so until someone drives me to a title office to get another copy, it's going to sit in my driveway) and while the car was at the shop somebody had apparently decided to box everything in my glove box and center console up for me. They also threw my peacock feather headband in there, and today I found it, completely ruined and falling apart. And I realized the next few weeks are going to feel exactly like that, finding beautiful things I'd forgotten about and forcing myself to throw them out. It's going to feel incredibly crappy, and it's physically going to be really hard and boring, and I actually need to look forward to an end goal where I'm done with it and free. I'm not good at picturing end goals and believing in them. In fact, I can't do it at all. I live entirely in the present. I can't even remember the past and I certainly can't imagine the future. Even as I say that, I don't want to change that about me, I like living in the present. Of course, so do junkies. 

My sister just turned 30 yesterday, and she got a jump start on all of this crap because it happened to her in another city, so she was forced into action faster. But maybe the lesson for her is this: It can still happen to you all over again. So stretch. She already knows this.

1 comment:

  1. I hate absolutely everything and everyone right now. I vote that I come pick you up, and we go and retreat to the abandoned Mike Tyson mansion until shit blows over. Deal?


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