Thursday, May 31, 2012
1) For Charlize's role as the Evil Queen in the Charlize Plays An Evil Queen movie, they didn't have to use any special effects.
2) In Prometheus, she is both the Hive Queen, The Sentient Computer, and Buffy.
3) In Snow White and the Huntsman, Charlize controlled Kristin Stewart with her mind, while playing her own part as well.
4) When Charlize reaches up to touch the sun, it turns into the moon just to get closer to her.
5) For young Adult, they crafted Patton Oswalt out of Charlize's body fat, which she usually burns every night before bed.
6) Charlize was in Mighty Joe Young. I hope the apes remember we gave them that, when they rise up.
7) There's going to be a new Mad Max movie and Charlize is going to be in it and you all just came in your pants a little.
8) In prep for her character in Mad Max: Fury Road, Charlize is going to tear down the world banks and turn the rivers to sin.
9) Charlize once said she was keeping 7 children in a cave, where they could see Russia from their house. I believe her.
10) Charlize is Leo. No, not a leo. The Leo, the Constellation.
11) There are seven types of dragons, and Charlize has killed six of them. (she is the seventh)
12) Charlize is actually the Tooth Fairy. If you're not nice to small animals, she comes and steals your teeth. Then eats them.
13) In 2030, on the 18th birthday of Snooki's son, Charlize will challenge him to a duel, and in defeating him, save the world.
14) There is a black crow that follows Charlize around constantly. She reads him Wordsworth, and he brings her diamonds.
15) She once taught high school Spanish, until a brutal episode of Destinos caused her to strip naked in class and start quoting Neruda.
16) Charlize actually had a small scene in the 2006 BBC series Planet Earth
17) If Charlize was a flavor of ice cream, she would be raspberry sprinkled with the All Knowing Female Spirit of the Universe.
18) She is Kamadhenu, the wish fulfilling sacred cow, "from whom all that is desired is drawn". Her credit rating is 800.
19) I once borrowed a dime from her. Overnight, in my purse, it multiplied into a 1000 snow white mice with bright silver eyes.
20) She does not get yeast infections. Instead, she breeds new disease resistant species of delicious algae to feed the world.
21) She once bested Zooey Deschanel in a ukulele contest. She won with a cover of Dolly Parton's Jolene.
22) She covers every Robyn song better than Robyn, but will refuse to do so out of respect.
23) When the human brain falls asleep, it converts memories into permanent forms. Charlize is a Permanent Form.
24) She was the first human to discover ants were edible. Later, she gave birth to the first of the polar bears.
25) When she cried over her first love, she restored the Yangtze River to it's former dolphin filled glory.
26) When she drinks tea, it is a special tea from Burma that lets her see into the future and repel ScarJo's psychic attacks.
27) Charlize designed the game of soccer with one goal in mind, winning her game of Risk with God. #SouthAmericaAlwaysWins
28) She believes cupcakes to be an inferior form of dessert, preferring the liver of a fully grown Burmese python.
29) Charlize took over for Santa Claus in 2006, which is why we now have iPhones.
30) Having sex with her is like going back in time and knowing absolutely your parents really loved you.
31) She does not believe in ink, she fills her pens instead with elephant tears and her writing can only be read by starlight.
32) Charlize is a vegan. If by vegan you mean Inhaler of Universes.
33) Her blood is hotter than the core temp of the sun, a brush of her fingertips could power an entire city, but at what cost?
34) She was born in a South African laboratory, commissioned by Phillip Glass to be the first organic string instrument.
35) Her eyes are not actually green, but Neil Degrasse Tyson fashioned her a pair of powerful lenses, so she would not inadvertently kill us all.
36) Her Afrikaner ancestors were kicked out of Germany for being witches and alchemists. She was only 5 at the time.
37) When asked to endorse a 2012 presidential candidate, she answered in a flawless French accent "Marie Curie".
38) She spends her weekends kissing coma patients awake. When they wake up, their eyes are black with flecks of gold.
39) Charlize does not eat fish, she talks to them.
40) When you turn off the lights, she glows in the dark and hisses.