Monday, May 21, 2012

It's like Fascism without the Eugenics part

Let's pretend, just for a lark (or a pigeon or a hen), that by a terrible and insane chain of events, I became the president. On my facebook page, I have my political affiliation listed as "I should just be the leader", let's pretend the Great Squid Who Holds the World in It's Loving Tentacles sees that, and make it so. Here's what I would do:

1. First and foremost - have someone design a kill switch I would wear all the time, so that killing me would detonate a complete records crash of all major American banks. Which isn't as good as a nuclear bomb, but a nice "fuck you" for killing me nonetheless. 

2.  Arrest (or abduct, however you want to say it) every member of Congress that does not sign a loyalty pledge to me forfeiting all their personal wealth if they are discovered speaking out against me or my policies. I should kill them, but I don't think I could. That will probably be my downfall. 

3. Put an end to lifetime appointments for Supreme Court judges.

3. Immediately raise the income tax for any person making more than 250,000 a year. Rewrite and simplify the tax code, no loopholes or exemptions for any businesses. Private universities will count as businesses. No tax exemptions for religious institutions.  

4. Marriage no longer qualifies you for tax breaks or even counts as a legal status, instead you can apply for certification as a Household. 

5. Offer an annual tax forgiveness prize for one winning business who invents a product or creates a process that arguably improves the human condition the most, as decided by a collection of judges, one from each public university. 

4. Make abortions and birth control a paid for government service. 

5. Legalize euthanasia. 

6. Make having more than one child per person illegal. 

7. Increase the boundaries of welfare, in recognition of the fact that increasing technology can only inevitably decrease jobs. 

8. End all federal funding to states that refuse to comply. 

9. Make it illegal to import meat.

10. Let's be realistic, I'm probably dead by now, but if by some miracle I'm not, here's where I step down and let Neil Degrasse Tyson take over. 


  1. I can't remember just now if it was Marius or Sulla - but one of those Ur-Caesars - they brought their army to Roma, convened the Senate and then put forth their reforms. Once the reform had been voted down, they took everyone who had voted against it outside and had them killed and then put forth a whole raft of new legislation.

    That's how you get things done.

  2. That seems about right. I never said I would have a long reign.

  3. Dear President Callahan,

    I humbly put forth a request to legalize marijuana, not for my personal benefit per say, but just to piss off the righties.



    ps: If you need a marijuana czar, call me.


Who wants to fuck the Editors?