Tuesday, February 1, 2011

The Winter Nothings: Give Me More Things To Hate Please

This song is like, the only thing keeping me going today so thanks Elly, I owe you.

It started last week, and has crept into my bones like some sort of evil nasty dinosaur skull eating parasite - The Winter Blues. Not even Blues, cause I like the color blue, and I have blue eyes, so technically I always have the Blues. Didn't you know that's what that means? People who are so full of the Blues it shines from inside their head out their corneas? So, not the Blues, the WINTER NOTHINGS.

Also, let's be honest. This blog has sucked the last week, possibly much longer. I need to be outside exploring things, not answering questions and writing long suck things about personal thought SUCK. My last good post was the one about the babies, and for god sakes, they're babies. Like, I couldn't have fucked that up if I tried.

I did do some cooking. I made a tomato tart, and a chicken/rice/mushroom thing, and an oatmeal loaf. But I also ate a lot of cold cereal. I am uncharacteristically bored with television and mad I can't go to the gym because of the ice. GRUMP. I am a big lurking troll grump right now. Also, did you know going to the gym every day makes you hate yourself? A lot? All the time? It makes you feel ugly and awful and not fit to go in public. My face has broken out badly. My body is swollen and painful and exhausted all the time. I sort of want to cry constantly. I do cry, a little. I can't even imagine having sex with anyone ever again. Whatever fucking endorphins you people are on about all the time are apparently hormonal poison to me. I mean, has anyone thought about that? That maybe the reason I've been fat all my life is because working out makes me feel awful, that my body is allergic to those particular chemicals? I feel like this could be a real thing. That guy was right about the butterflies after all.

I know logically that this is probably my hormones trying to balance themselves out, after such a long period of being one way, and then suddenly being forced to deal with new chemicals in amounts they're not used to. I know the blame probably lies in my thyroid or my estrogen levels or some horrible crap like that, because in reality I'm just a robot who should be getting regularly scheduled oil changes. I know I'm supposed to give it three months and it's supposed to get better.

Either that, or I should just put a salt lick in my kitchen. A salt lick and a sugar lick, right next to a water fountain. And I can stand there, next to my cats, licking until I feel better.

Please let the snow go away soon. Actually not the snow. I like the snow. It's the bone crunching cold I'm done with. The cold is trying to digest me. It's molars are grinding me to dust.

My Dad once told me that I was good when I was being mean to people. So I figured, let's try and do a whole post where I talk about things I hate. Maybe that will get the little impy spirits pumping, right? Only I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING TO HATE ON. This is how grudged and apathetic I am right now. I am seriously trying to think of things I want to make fun of, and NOTHING is coming to mind. I don't even feel hate towards any ridiculous politicians right now. That thing about the stunt gun law in South Dakota? I'm like FINE, require everyone to buy a gun, DO IT. I don't care. Maybe they will all kill themselves in the dead of winter, and I won't have to listen to their shit about how cold it is. They live in South Dakota, they might as well be dead already.

Oh, wait, there it is.

You know what else I hate? THIS FUCKING ARTICLE ABOUT HOW PEOPLE SHOULDN'T MAKE RUIN PORN. So because you think it makes a city look bad, I shouldn't take photos of the abandoned buildings there? Because it makes people think a city is dead? Are you serious? How about you thank your lucky stars that I have found a way to be happy in this city, and therefore haven't moved years ago, and taken my bar tabs and fucking taxes with me? If you want me to only take pictures of happy shiny pretty new things? Then maybe BUILD SOME. In case you haven't noticed, I like taking pictures of buildings. Not just old ones. Any ones.

I try to see my city as an organic thing, a breathing thing that lives on a timescale outside of people, something beyond our little plastic lives. A building itself is an art form, its a creature. It doesn't stop being a creature when the people go away. We make these animals that last beyond our uses and then they become landscape, like mountains or rivers. If I was trying to write commentary about unemployment and poverty, then I would take photos of people. But my hobby is making stories up, not telling ones. That's what journalists are for. And anyway, whatever, it's my city too. I'll live in it how I want to. This city existed before you and will exist after us, and denying its shedded skins are lying around isn't going to make them blink out of reality. There is a level to a city that is bigger than anyone in it at any given point in time. There's this thing called history that molts and drives forwards and knocks things down and doesn't stop to pick up its litter. We are all just little ants crawling around on rubble constantly, don't tell me it's wrong to look up every once in a while.

The best response to this story was one of the comments "The photography of contemporary ruins however, presents moments of understanding of cultural decay, change, architectural and archeological documentation, and the rediscovery of forgotten moments of cities in a state of constant change and not the static atmosphere we would perceive cities to be in." What that guy said. Only with some curse words added.

Let's see, other things that piss me off? Well, I just lost my power, just now. Fuck you winter.

How about instead of leaving me all that unwanted support about working out that I know you're just itching to do in the comments? How about instead you all just give me topics to hate on and I'll add them to this post as they come. This will be our Wednesday game.

First Hate: Swimsuit season. I love going to the beach. I will spend all day in the water if you let me. But it should be called beach season. It should be a celebration that everyone gets to be outside and warm and happy. Not this constant grind of "you are not pretty enough, you look ridiculous, you are a bad person" because you're not eating fucking Special K three times a day, or living off black forest cake flavored yogurt, which by the way is an abomination and a slap in the face to everything pure and good about yogurt. Special K reminds me of how cornflakes came to be, the whole history of cold cereal being this health food craze they tried to sell you in asylums for rich people at the turn of the century. I want to create an anti Special K campaign calling them hacks and kooks and witch doctors. Grape nuts. Eat some fucking grape nuts people.

Second hate: Toenails. Toenails and fingernails are gross because they are bones growing outside our bodies. Enough said. I love my feet because they work hard for me and get me places, but I refuse to expect them to look pretty, because by definition toes and fingers are ugly. They are ugly weird stumpy things growing out of the ends of our bodies. And toenails are like the useless soft shells that serve only to give voodoo doctors a way of cursing me.
Now if they were razor sharp claws, with some sort of use, for either killing or climbing, then I might bother to care about them.

Third hate: YES IT IS COLD ENOUGH FOR ME. Because if I buried your frozen body in the snow, nobody would smell it until April.

Fourth hates: Well, Laura had multiple hates, but since I am guilty of talking on my cell while driving (no texting though) and I understand why Pandora has to give me ads, and I would be even more creeped out if the internet was able to see I already had one insurance company and not show me those specific ads, we're going with the last one. People who wear cologne or perfume to the gym. WHY? WHY WOULD YOU WEAR ANYTHING? The only time you'll see makeup on me at the gym is when I'm forcing myself to go after hanging out with friends, before I go to sleep. I know I just bitched about how awful I feel from working out, but I do like my gym. Mostly because it's empty all the time, and when there are people there, they don't make eye contact. So luckily I have yet to run into the over-cologned guy. I don't think the classy old gay guys at mine would ever make that mistake. As someone who does get sick around too much perfume, and who one time had to run out of a room to vomit because this woman was chewing grape bubblegum when I had a migraine, I sympathize Laura. If it makes you feel better, I'm 99% sure that all those chemicals are soaking into that guys inflamed sweaty skin, and poisoning him from the inside out. Burning his organs into infected pussy black goo.

Fifth hate: Not being able to sing like Aloe Blacc, or wear white pants. Oh Vapid, I know. It's terrible unfair being a pretty talented blonde runner :P But yes, I also hate the fact I cannot sing like him. Or dress like him. Or have a recording contract like him.

Sixth hate: Hipsters who think too much of themselves and lack basic reading comprehension skills. This one comes from C., who ranted about this article that was posted on facebook recently, where the author mentioned the fact that Cleveland isn't known for it's music scene. The point of the article was to then post a mixtape of awesome older Cleveland music. But apparently he got a lot of haters, kids who were upset he dare insult their local bands this way. Well, first of all, the point of his statement was not to disparage the quality of local music, but that no one outside Cleveland knows who the bands are here. THIS IS TRUE. Point of fact, most of Cleveland is also completely unaware of your existence. Point of fact, there are a million people in this county, and probably only about 300 of them know who you are, and out of that there are probably 150 who give a shit. Stop bitching about something that is true. And if you are going to bitch, then at least bitch on topic. Don't be the vegan punk equivalent of those awful commentators on Cleveland.com.

Seventh hate: People who act as Cleveland Cheerleaders without thinking of actual Cleveland at all. There is this twitter thing going on called the #Cle20. Its supposed to foster discussion on twitter about Cleveland's development and issues. I am not faulting the concept here, and I'm not bitching about every person participating. But last night I made the mistake of reading it, and here were the suggestions for Cleveland's development: 1)Build a fancier airport. 2)Put a BSpot burgers in the airport 2)have winning sports teams. 4)Cleveland hasn't got a content problem, but an image problem.

Hey, guess what, Cleveland does have a content problem. It's called nobody with the money to get out wants to live in any of the actual Cleveland neighborhoods, because they are not as nice as Middleburgh Heights. Though some of us would rather die than live in MH. So shut the fuck up about sports teams and the dining scene, that most of the actual Cleveland residents don't use at all, and start talking about the fact that as soon as your wife gets pregnant, you move out to the suburbs because the school system sucks. And instead of trying to lure suburb yuppies back into the neighborhoods, (which sure, is nice, if they come, but hasn't exactly filled up any neighborhoods besides Ohio City), how about you talk about what efforts we could make as a city to try and keep the people who do live here employed, and able to make mortgage payments, and able to educate their children and have neighborhood resources and put new roofs on their aging houses, and not have to deal with their cars being broken into constantly or terrible public transportation that only takes them downtown and not to any of the suburbs where the actual jobs are. Talk about supporting the community development projects that matter, the ones who are working to help out actual Cleveland residents. I don't give a fuck about tourism, and I'm sick of this idea that all these people from the suburbs are going to revitalize my city with the money they spend on Friday nights. Those all have their place in the grand strategy, but what should matter is how many Cleveland residents are not able to pay their heating bills. Because when you bring up the people who actually live on a street, and make it easier for them to pay bills and live in nice looking houses, then people might actually want to move to that street someday. And the people who live there now might not just automatically move away as soon as they get some money.

And oh my god, if I hear one more suggestion to pour money into the airport, I am going to scream. It will be an epic scream, the kind that curdles flesh off your bones.

Eighth Hate: The Bachelor. The only way they could change the Bachelor to make me watch it would be if he turned out to be a parasitic alien, who implants these women with alien babies, who suck out all the marrow from their bones to gestate, live on television. OR even better, if at some point, all the women got to come back and beat the crap out of the producers and the bachelor, live on television. OR if they made a sequel show, chronicling all the contestants going through therapy.


  1. Your pictures are beautiful, so please continue to document the history others are ignoring.

    In conjunction with working out, I would like to hate on the dreaded swimsuit season ahead. The only thing that makes me like winter is that it's NOT swimsuit season. Hate away.

  2. I've listened to that song at least 57 times in the past 36 hours. It's like musical sunshine and warm sand. It's the jets in a hot tub that no creepy man ever nutted in. Also I want to rock white pants and move like that.

    How about toe nails? I hate toe nails. They don't do anything useful and insist on growing. Blech. Go.

  3. You can hate on people who say ridiculous things like "Cold enough for ya?" and people who expect you to do everything for them.

  4. I second the "COLD ENOUGH FER YA'? HEE-YUCK!!" Die. Just die. If you say that, you don't deserve those perfectly operating vital organs and need to hand them over to someone who does and doesn't have them.


    Also? Ads on my music playlist for an auto insurance company that I already use.

    And? People who drive ridiculously slow in only slightly inclement weather. Dude, you're in CLEVELAND. Grow some balls.

    And another thing? People who talk on their cell phones while driving. I've seriously been tempted to wait until the next red light to grab a large blunt object and direct its force into some babbling jackoff thundercuntrag's head because she's taking up 2 lanes and going 20 mph because she's arguing who's going to be the Next American Idol.

    And you know what else? Chachy assholes who bathe in a gallon of cheap cologne and get on the treadmill next to you. Thanks, Dickbag, I really wanted that when my lungs are breathing at their hardest.

    Damn. I'm full of hate. If you need more of it, I'm here.

  5. I hate that I can't sing like a polyester clad skinny black man. I got the moves, but not the pipes.


  6. Oh Bridget. If we don't both tumble into a glacial crevasse before Thursday, we can hate stuff over drinks. I am good at this, really I am. I have it in me, I promise.

    I hate Foursquare, I hate Cleveland love-fest circle jerks on Twitter, I hate terrifying under-30 girl bank vice presidents with shiny hair and sensible shoes, I hate The Bachelor and the fact that women watch and like and talk about The Bachelor...I could go on but I'll wait until we both have cocktails.

  7. I try not to hate. I dislike, a lot, the haters of things that inconvenience them. I dislike, a lot, talking heads on TV who make things up and call it news. I dislike, a lot, people who think everone else should act in a way that pleases them. Ever since I've tried to stop hating, my blood pressure has dropped significantly. Especdially the dystolic side. Oh. I love those under 30, girl, bank vice presidents with shiny hair, that Sarah hates.

  8. Sometimes you need some good old fashioned hate lancing though.

  9. I love the hate. I thought you should know.

  10. You always like the drunk and the hate :P

  11. Being born and raised in Detroit and yes, I draw a sense of pride from the Chrysler commercial, I think I understand why you are pissed off at those who complain about your pictures. There are folks who do the same in the Motor but either you like it or you don't. You don't bitch about people showing you the truth. That commercial does that.

    Are folks in Cleveland that pussified that they whine about the local talent being ignored and what kind of people the city needs to attract even when the likelyhood of that happening is slim and none? I am surprised at that. I had always thought Cleveland was a decent town... fought there a few times as a pro and amateur... liked it, but that is me...

    I wonder if you could condense all of these different hates into the famous 2-minute hate from '1984'... that is where the world is moving to, a world of a high elite with the masses scratching for the crumbs left by the rich...


Who wants to fuck the Editors?