Thaw Prayer

To Winter;

We are all very sorry. Even that asshole who didn't shovel their sidewalk for the last two months. Except that was my house. And you know why? Because I believe in the power of snow. I refuse to touch it's holy presence. I'm that devoted to you, Winter. That's called respect.

But your time is waning, and I have a few requests. Just to, you know, comfort me in your absence.


Please don't let all the animals be dead.
You can kill a few of them sure, but just not all of them.

We saw a whole flock of robins outside yesterday. Like, twenty of them. You know how robins are all cute and hopeful and iconic when you see the first one? Well it turns out in mobs, they are sort of sinister.


Please send lots of rain to wash that ice away, so I can walk like a normal person instead of penguin with vertigo. Also, I'm sorry about that time last week when I was bragging, and you saw fit to punish my hubris by sending me into a puddle of car slush ass first. I deserved that.

When I came outside today, and saw the first patches of clear dry asphalt? It was like seeing my first daffodil. I wanted to pet it, to make sure it felt the same.

Please be sure to return the color green to its original state. No substitutions please.
(seriously, wouldn't it be the worst thing if one spring, nothing grew back green at all? Like, it all grew back yellow or brown? I might kill myself.)

If there is no more water because you turned it all into ice, I will be very upset. I expect every drop of that lake to be where we left it. Omnipotent season or not, there's no reason to be greedy.

Yes, that includes Rocky River. Though if you wanna leave it half frozen a little bit longer than usual, I could spend some quality time down there laughing at the assholes standing in that shit fishing. It's called a supermarket, and you are not cool for giving yourself hypothermia. I wish a giant carp would mistake your finger for a piece of corn, and chews it right off. I also wish carp had teeth.



Also, maybe speed it up a little, because if I don't put this cat outside soon, I'm going to accidentally step on her head. Or her Tail of Unexplainable Vigor is going to knock a soda onto the computer, and she's going electrocute herself. Then I will be out a cat and a computer. And I will move to New Mexico and grow peyote. Because that's what people who don't own stupid cats get to do.

I'm not joking. I was looking at job boards there. It could happen. All I'm saying is...convince me.