Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The 10 Things You Should Buy Someone (who might be me) for Christmas

10. The Roald Dahl 16 Book Collection That Needs to be Shipped from the UK
Which, honestly, for the shipping costs, you might as well throw in some bottles of whiskey, and a couple pounds of cheese. Make it a regular party. I'll read to you.

9. One Whole Bone In Serrano Ham

295.00 for the leg of an animal that has more in common with Heidi than Babe. Ham holder not included. You have to buy your own ham holder.

8. A Penguin. (I'm pretty sure that's not legal. Or a real site. But I believe it can be done.)

7. Champagne of the Month Club. Duh. What else am I going to do with a penguin?

6. A Lippizaner Stallion

5. An Awesome 3 Headed Dragon Entryway
  • Buy A Dragon

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  • 4. A Trip to An Abandoned Russian Beach Resort.

    photo by TrTpTm

    3. The Head of King Henri IV

    "The scientific tests helped identify the late monarch's embalmed head, which was shuffled between private collections ever since it disappeared during the French Revolution in 1793."

    As Gawker pointed out, the key word in that sentence is collections. Plural. Awesome Plural. Whole rooms of weird creepy mummified shit and cursed shit and lethal sapphires and gay love letters from popes AWESOME. My family and friends are of course welcome to auction my dessicated body parts for money when I'm gone. But you are only allowed to take them off after I am really dead, not just mostly dead.

    2. The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living by Damien Hirst

    Look, for those of you who find this disrespectful, fine. But I'd like to point out this is higher on the list than the head of King Henry. That should say something. Also, if someone gave you a huge shark in resin for Christmas, you would never ever ever turn that down.

    1. The Number One Best Christmas Present Ever

    The Funktionide (Robot Blob Pillow)
    "since humans already spend days cocooned in in various electronics, it shouldn't be that much of a stretch for a mattress to be semi-sentient."

    I mean, yeah? Right? I would name mine Leviathan. And call it Levi. And probably talk to it a lot. Seriously, I want one of these more than I want a talking walking dinosaur cellphone. (Ask me about that one sometime. It's a bit awesome.)

    Funktionide Part II from eltopo on Vimeo.


    1. For the first few seconds I thought the blob was rather like my cat (if only it were black...), but then things got just a bit wierd.
      Nice pony!

    2. The blob is wild! That guy was weirdly loving towards it, though.

    3. I'm booking the airfare to Garga right now...

    4. The blob is like a cat, a large faceless hairless litterboxless cat. I would love it so much.

      Oh Garga, the place where certain very specific dreams come true.

    5. If you get the head of Henri IV, maybe the next item in your Pieces Of Dead French Monarchs collection could be the embalmed heart of Louis XVII, the boy king who died in prison during the Revolution. Logical next step.

    6. Once upon a time there were two old women, one dark and one fair, who lived in a stone manor, deep in the French countryside. For appearances, they sold homemade wine, fruitcakes, and lace shawls. But their real source of livelihood lay locked away in the wine cellars - the most extensive and complete collection of monarch body parts this side of MT. Everest.

      Right? Yes?

    7. That was the worst porn ever.

      Also? I went to Vienna and took in one of those horse shows. They smell like hamsters.

    8. True fact: I secretly love the smell of hamsters.

    9. Fair warning: If you get these things for Christmas I am moving into your house.

    10. I think it's funny you think that if I had all these things, I would live in a "house".

      But you are welcome in the "ship".

    11. I'm listening to static infused balalaika HOLD music while I'm waiting to order you that abandoned Russian beach resort... I hope it's still in stock.

    12. I had to look up what a balalaika was, and now I would like one of those too. The penguin will dance to it while I sip my champagne, lounging on my slave mattress.

    13. Would a roadrunner and penguin get along? I feel like the penguin would kill it.


    Who wants to fuck the Editors?