Thursday, December 9, 2010

This is a Listicle Week (lots of little lists, getting bigger and bigger, until they fall down and kill you)

Some things:

First, have you ever coughed so badly you peed yourself a little? I am currently wearing a pad just because of this. Well, also because of my period, but it's been useful in this respect. My mother, who hates that I smoke, thinks this is hilarious, and has not stopped making fun of me yet. She may stop when I cough a giant piece of lung into her coffee cup. We shall see.

Second, I am looking at recipes for vegan fudge, and I gotta say, most vegan recipes seem like something a 5 yr old would make with play-do. There was this one for vegan pineapple upside down cake, and the directions were to dump down the pineapple, dump a can of pie filling, then empty out a box of dry yellow cake mix, and sprinkle margarine on top of it. What? Really? That sounds horrible. It sounds like a bad babysitting accident, one where the end result is the baby being eaten by feral cats while you cower in the backyard waiting for the fire trucks. I don't even believe that's real, I think you made that up just to submit a recipe.

Third, my landlord had lent me some super duper space heaters last winter when the heat went out for a few days, and I just sort of kept them for a while, but then he took them back a month ago and I MISS THEM. So much. My heat works and all, but its not the same as having one under your desk so you can burn off your first dermal layer for hours. My skin is dying to be burned off.

Fourth, I am never going to be warm enough ever. And I've been all nostalgic today for boys, which I think is directly linked to not being warm enough. Maybe all of my relationships have just been about me sucking heat from another body? I could totally see that as true. I mean it's definitely true that some relationships only lasted the winter months because I live in Cleveland. I'm a lizard, and you are all rocks. South America, someday, you and me.

Fifth, why is your pot roast and apple pie never as good as your mother's pot roast and apple pie? I think it's because she has a bigger kitchen and a dishwasher.

Sixth, I want a brand new Agatha Christie novel to read. Someone make this happen. Preferably a Poirot one. No fakes please. There's got to be a lost one out there somewhere.

Also, I almost forgot, ask me questions for Saturday. Please do not ask me about my lung capacity. Trust me, it's incredible.


  1. Depositing lung chunks into Mom's coffee cup is very poor form, missy!

  2. And its not bad form to make fun of your poor sick hacking child, who could die of tubercolosis any day now, by offering her Depends?

  3. I've coughed so hard that I've passed out from lack of oxygen. When I did that and cracked my head on the nightstand, it wasn't a big deal. When I did it behind the wheel of the car, my wife seemed to have a problem with it.

    But at least I've never wet myself in the process. Sheesh.

  4. But see, you have different equipment down there. It doesn't work the same exactly.

    If I start passing out, I'm just going to donate my body to science.

  5. I thought tango was replacing boys. That's a direct quote, lady!

  6. You are right. But it's cold! No, you are right.


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