It's been a spectacularly bad holiday and week so far. It's one of the weeks where someone you care about suddenly becomes a jackass, and then when you tell him he's being a jackass, he becomes an asshole. So you tell him he's being an asshole, and he explodes into a thousand sharp motherfucker shards, which you keep stepping on. Like breaking a glass and finding a piece of it in your heel two months later.On top of that, it's murderously hot. I finally put the air conditioner in the bedroom, after much tortured contemplation. If you put it in the living room, you can't sleep but you can watch tv. If I put it in the office, I never leave the computer ever. So the bedroom won, but already I'm regretting it. Once you turn it on, you never turn it off you know. It ruins you for the rest of the summer. It turns your skin into delicate candle wax, which melts as soon as you leave it's cooling confines.
I'm turning 31 on Saturday, which is the most boring birthday ever. All the ones up to 30 were cool, cause they were so dangerous. And then 30 is momentous. 33 is the Jesus birthday. But 31 is like, eh, whatever, you're old but not that old. I have no plans, mostly due to the aforementioned asshole shards, and I may just drive somewhere by myself and never come back. I know at some point in my 30s this will happen. It may be this year. But probably not yet.
What I Want for My Birthday
1) A dome water fountain for the cats. That's for you Mom.
2) New tires for my car.
3) To successfully trend the renaming of "foodies" as "puffins".
4) An office water cooler for myself. So I can sit by it and drink ice cold water all day for the rest of my life until I BECOME water. I mean, more so.
5) Someone to come and thoroughly clean my apartment, who I never have to see again.
6) To go to Bethlehem PA.
7) a grant to go to Russia and document the ruins.
8) A tin heart. Not steel, but mendable weldable tin. Made of scraps. With blue LED lights that light up under my chest. To prove I still have one.
9) Lots of drugs. (no really, I'm just kidding. Just being funny. Totally don't mean it at all. Why would anyone be serious about that? Ha ha.) Like, a ton of them. And an igloo with a pool inside it.
10) Ownership of Lake Erie.
So why do I suddenly want to watch the Dark Crystal? You're messing with my head again, aren't you. Of course I'm swooning over the tin heart. Happy almost birthday, my little sweet monkey chaps.
ReplyDeleteI made that you know. I love that thing. I want to BE that thing.
ReplyDeleteDon't ya hate when jackasses go and try to change shit up? I think you should add 2 more air conditioners to that wish list! Nevertheless, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AND HOPE YOU GET SOMETHING GOOD! Like Bradley Cooper or the Old Spice Guy!!
ReplyDeleteI would be very happy with the Old Spice guy. The one on the horse. Though I wouldn't turn down Bruce Campbell. Or the Dos Equis man.
ReplyDeleteBut really I just want David Tennant.
Isn't the Dos Equis guy like 100? That's the guy old spice guy is talkin' about when he says "look at your man, now look at me" LMAO
ReplyDeleteBut he's the most interesting man in the world!
ReplyDeleteAlso he has money and will die before me.
OK Anna Nicole, ya got me there LOL
ReplyDeleteyou still haven't gotten new tires... I feel like this is a metaphor for your entire spring/summer. Somehow.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear about the tough week.
ReplyDeleteI feel your air conditioner dilemma, but you made the only choice possible. The only thing that comes of putting the ac in the living room is that you start sleeping there, turning it into a little animal's nest. Which is fun at first, but gets depressing. Much better to watch less tv, or move the set into the bedroom.
AC in the kitchen is the one that really gets me down. It just feels so wrong to be cooling a room that I'll then be tempted to heat up. Much better to let it stay hot and live on pop ice and sandwiches until the weather changes.
The downside of renaming "foodies" as "puffins" is that it's hard to bring the hate against puffins. Having just read this post at Serious Eats on what they (oh-so-adorably) style "OIAJ"--and do note that the post links to others already being insufferable on the topic--I have to say that this is a problem.
KT- the only thing the tires symbolize is my inability to budget. But if you want to be mean about it :P
ReplyDeleteJL - WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? I feel like I want to crawl into a peanut butter jar myself and never come out.
WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?
ReplyDeleteThe new bacon.
I feel like I want to crawl into a peanut butter jar myself and never come out.
Just hope no one pops the jar in the microwave.
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ReplyDeleteThe solution to the A/C issue is to buy a second and third A/C for your other rooms. Then your candlewax skin would never have to melt and you wouldn't have to sacrifice screen time for sleep comfort! Now just to FIND a stupid A/C for sale...
ReplyDeleteI'm ok with the general concept of mixing peanut butter and oatmeal. I eat oatmeal practically every day, and peanut butter only somewhat less often. But the acronym and general cutsiness of it all, blah.
ReplyDeleteOn a different topic: it's not Russia, but you might enjoy this website, especially the section on "Urban Decay." They've added a lot of stuff to the site that's of more local interest, but the general theme (photos of old buildings in various states of repair) is still there. Good stuff.
Casey - all the a/c have been kidnapped. I looked.
ReplyDeleteJL - Thanks!
Happy almost Birthday! Why do you want to go to Bethlehem? I was there around Christmas a couple of years ago (my in-laws live nearby) - not that exciting. Might be perfect for urban exploration though. Oh...
ReplyDeleteAlso, I feel you on the 31st birthday thing. Mine was this past February. I feel like I'm officially in my 30s now (30 was the gateway year), and I'm getting old faster. Frightening.
ReplyDeleteif you drank so much water you became water well then you can be sort of like hydro man er well you'd be hydro woman I suppose but you know...tho he was never very successful of a villain against Spider-Man
ReplyDeleteZannah: right....see, you got it.
ReplyDeleteCP: Hydrowoman though would be a force for good. I could repopulate the Sahara!