Friday, July 23, 2010

Friday's Questions wonder how girls possibly afford to look "pretty"

Since I haven't left the house in a week, I'm going to attempt to dress up a little tonight. I will probably look like a damn fool. Do you know how long it's been since I "did" something with my hair? My hair is like cardboard. It just wants to get wet, dry, and be left alone. Anyway, here's to everyone leaving the house tonight! It's the ending of summer, and people have sex on the brain apparently. What, did everyone just break up?

Why doesn't anyone talk about masturbation?

Well, I think we all know what it is. There's nothing really taboo about dildos or bunnies or whatever the fuck you use. And from my perspective, I get quite enough conversation about their dicks from the guys I know. Also, to be honest, I don't need anymore girls talking about it either. What are we going to talk about exactly? I'm sure as hell not telling anyone what I think about. You all would have me committed. And probably never ride in the same car with me again. Perhaps put me on a government watch list. I'm not a nice person.

Strangers are always starting conversations with me and I don't really like it. Should I avert my eyes and keep my head down more?

I think you should probably just not go into public places ever, since you're mean. Or just accept the fact that everybody is in fact very lonely, and as they get older, the desperation to connect with anyone outside their one bedroom apartment creeps into their brain, and they literally can't help themselves. This will happen to you someday, unless you get married or really into show ferrets.

On a less pessimistic note, perhaps you should just cover yourself in black spray on glitter. In any other city, that might work against you, but I'm willing to bet Cleveland leaves you alone. If they did ask, you could tell them you're a black hole. Or wear a t-shirt that says "if you talk to me I will ask you for money." Make sure you follow through on that one. And I have dibs on that copyright, so no making sweet t-shirt money off my idea dude.

If you opened a bar, what would you name it? What kinds of drinks would you serve? Would it have a jukebox or what? (You don't have to work at the just get to control all the variables.)

If I had a bar, it would be called The Museum, and on every table would be an exhibit like you see in science museums. You know, the ones that demonstrate centrifugal force by stealing your pennies, or how to bend light, or speak into this tube over here and the person on the other side of the room can hear you. I bet that one would be pretty popular.

All our drinks would be weirder than the average "martini" and most of them would involve dry ice or physics theory references. The music would be controlled by me, because no one is fucking playing Nickelback ever. But I would be more than willing to have some set up where you get to scroll through my own collection and pick songs from that.

Think of the lighting. The lighting would be insane.

Why are dirty ghetto boys so hot?

This is probably why I will never get approved as a commenter on Jezebel. But dirty ghetto boys are hot because they are usually not approaching you with anything resembling good manners, and sometimes girls want to be treated like sluts. Not all the time. But the ones who like sex? Sometimes. Culture has taught us we want a guy to want us so much, he can't help but be rude about it. So in the back of our little Barbie doll brains somewhere, it registers as "yes, someone is objectifying me!". I'm not saying it's right. But there is a reason that assholes keep getting laid. And its not all about our self-esteem issues. Sometimes it's just about getting fucked.

Or maybe you're just talking about the white wife beater look. That shit never gets old.

Ask Me Anything


  1. I'd be shocked if you weren't already on a Government list.

    your bar could be known as "Cleveland's Nickleback free bar"

  2. Which would probably make it "Ohio's Nickelback Free Bar".


Who wants to fuck the Editors?